Reality Check: Not What I Had Planned
by sugoichicken
Summary: Because we all wish this could happen to us. A college girl suddenly finds herself in Valdemar and inadvertently starts on a journey of self discovery. But she can't help wondering whether or not she's gone completely crazy. Some harsh language.
1. Life's Funny Idea of a Curve Ball

_Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, I by no means own the "Heralds of Valdemar" series. That belongs strictly to Mercedes Lackey until we meet and I get her to will it to me. I do however own the characters Nia, Jaysdin, and this version of Kris._

_A/N: This is my first fic, so please let me know if it's crap or if I should keep going. R&R!! _

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_Do you ever get those days when you wake up and you just know it's gonna be a bad day? Or no matter what you do, you always end up feeling like the butt end of a cruel joke? Or have you had one of those completely life changing events that comes outta nowhere and your life is suddenly the topic of a Lifetime movie? I have, and I'm not sure if it was the worst or best thing to happen to me. In roughly six years I lost everything and everyone I'd ever known, only to gain things I only thought possible in my wildest dreams. But I think the worst part is I'm not sure it really happened. I have evidence it did, but logic dictates the total opposite. But if it did, I know I'd give anything to gain it back. _

_Ch.1: Life's Funny Idea of a Curve Ball_

My name is Jennifer, and once upon a time I was normal. Well, a bit of a social outcast in my opinion. Most everyone I knew styled me as an independent, opinionated, loud-mouthed, anime watching freak of a bookworm. I didn't care about most of the other things the kids I went to high school with did, like the football team or what the latest fashion was. I was content to do my own thing and screw anyone who didn't like me. I had better things to do. But this story isn't about that. It's actually about my "college" years. My schooling was pretty unorthodox, but in the end I'd rather have the education I ended up with than what 'normal' society deemed I should have.

My story begins in September, the fall after I graduated from high school. A month shy of my 19th birthday. I was a freshman at the state college close to home and so far things were going swimmingly. My roommate and I got along famously, I liked my classes, and my older brother wasn't coming to bug me as often as I thought he would given we lived in the same dorm building. Like most freshman, however, since I was close to home that's where I spent most of my weekends. Or was planning on it, at least.

The day that's forever burned into my memory is Sept. 22nd, a Friday afternoon, and I had just gotten off the bus that took me to where my car was parked. I remember the crystal clear blue sky, lush green grass, and students talking while walking to the bus stop on their way back to campus. I started walking toward the parking lot with my keys in my hand, noticing nothing out of the ordinary. I had just reached the lot and had begun to look for my parked car, and then nothing. Whatever happened after that memory is gone, and I've had extensive treatment to see if anything remains. But I just don't remember.

My next memory is excruciatingly clear, though, and it's of pain. I was in a very comfortable and warm bed, but feeling as if I'd been hit by a Mac truck. My eyes were stinging and watering, head throbbing, ears ringing, and my body ached and felt as if it were on fire. It hurt to think, move, and even breathe. I must have passed out from the pain because when I woke again, I was still in pain but it was more bearable. I was able to open my eyes and what I saw would have freaked me out if my senses weren't already dulled.

I figured I was in the hospital after being hit by some dumbass who wasn't watching where they were driving, but I wasn't greeted with the typical hospital room. Light wood paneled and stone walls, a flagstone floor, and a bay window to my left showed a large field with pine trees off in the distance while the afternoon sun streamed in. The light was painful to my eyes so I turned my head and noticed a small wooden table with containers of various sizes and colors on it. There was a chair close to my bed as if someone had been sitting there, watching over me. I didn't have the energy to think due to the pain in my head and body, but I knew something was wrong. _Very wrong_.

I laid there for who knows how long before I heard footsteps and the door open. A young woman a little older than me entered. She had shoulder length blond hair, brown eyes, and was dressed in a cool green colored robe. The lady in green looked at me, saw I was awake, and smiled with relief. "You are finally awake. We were worried you might not come back. How are you feeling?"

"I hurt," I whispered weakly. She walked over and placed a hand on my head, causing the oddest sensation, as if a cooling ointment had been placed on a burn, but in my mind. What the hell?! When she pulled her hand away, I blurted out the first of many questions forming in my mind.

"What happened and how the hell did I get to England?" The young woman had a British accent, and if my surroundings didn't disturb me, her voice certainly did.

"England? Is that near your country? You were found five days ago near Exiles' Gate and are very lucky to have been found by one of the guards or Gods know what would have become of you. Can you sit up and take some medicine? It won't taste very good I'm afraid, but it will help ease the pain." She then went over to the table with the containers and mixed an envelope of powder she pulled from her pocket into a cup of water. She helped me sit up and I drank. The concoction tasted like mint and was gritty as hell; like drinking sand.

"Where am I?" I asked softly as I lay back down.

"You're at the House of Healing on the Palace grounds. To answer your earlier question of what happened, we were hoping you could tell us. One of the guards near the city wall heard a noise down an alley and found you unconscious when he went to investigate. What's your name? Where are you from? Are you a traveler from White Gryphon or their allies, the Haighlei Empire? That would explain your strange clothes and belongings. Your accent is quite unusual as well." She pulled the chair up to my bed and sat, all the time talking and looking at me with great concern.

"I'm Jennifer. I'm an American. What's Exiles' Gate? Or Healers? What palace? Why am I in England?" I asked groggily. The few answers she's given were leaving me more confused and frightened. Plus she hadn't even told me her name yet.

"Well, Jennifer, I'm Nia and I've been looking after you. But you have no idea where you are, do you?" she asked heavily.

"No."

"Right now you're in the city of Haven, capital city of the kingdom of Valdemar, on the Royal Palace grounds in the Healers' Collegium," she said bracingly, pausing for a moment before continuing. "The ruling monarch is Queen Selenay, and her son, Prince Kris, is the named heir. Does any of this sound familiar?" Her voice was thick with worry and her eyes desperate for a hint of recognition. I thought for a moment and then it hit me. Valdemar. Haven. Heralds. (Oh My!) The books. My mom had gotten me started on them only three years before and I instantly fell in love with the world Mercedes Lackey had created. There was no WAY this was happening.

"Valdemar, as in Heralds, Companions, and Heraldic Gifts?" I stiffened in my propped up position and asked in disbelief as I looked Nia straight in the eye. Holy Mother of God, this was _not_ possible.

"So you have heard of us! Thank the Gods, that makes things simpler. Well, if you know about the Heralds then you know you have nothing to fear here. We'll talk good care of you until we can figure out what was supposed to happen with you. But before we go any farther, let me find you something to eat." Nia rose happily from her chair after giving me a bright smile and left in search of some food. I tried to relax against the pillows but my head began to ache with such force as made that virtually impossible. If Nia was worried I didn't know where I was, I was scared shitless that I _did_.

After I finished the bowl of broth Nia brought back, I told her everything from my last memory to how I knew about Valdemar. The look on her face when I was finished was priceless as she digested the contents of my story.

"Oh my," was all she could say after a few moments of stunned silence. Not that I blamed her. She'd just had someone tell her she wasn't real. "Well, I will let you rest for today. I'm sure you're exhausted and need to sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow and see if we can't straighten a few things out, hmm?" Nia smiled warmly as she stood to leave but her eyes said 'this girl's nuts'. I closed my eyes and soon the darkness of sleep fell over me, casting me into an uneasy but deep slumber.

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Two weeks later when I was well enough to leave my bed, I was moved to the Guest Wing of the Palace and given a suite where the ambassadors and other dignitaries would stay when they came to town. In hindsight I was kind of the unofficial American ambassador and the move was at the request of the Queen, but it felt so weird to be treated like one.

It was also during those two weeks I met people I would have staked my life on never meeting. Talia, who was the second person I met after Nia, Lady Elspeth and Darkwind, Queen Selenay herself even came down one day. Every time someone came I had to re-tell my version of events, and each time I was given the "holy crap" look. Yet no one tried to refute my claim of being from another world. Elspeth and Darkwind had both said the day I came they felt _something_ like a Gate open, but they couldn't explain it to anyone's satisfaction. So news of my appearance was kept hush-hush from everyone except the Royals, select Healers, and the Queen's Council. But I felt like everybody knew.

I figured if I was going to be stuck here for a while, even though I still thought I was waking up to a bad dream every morning, I was going to learn as much as I could during my temporary stay. (Oh _please_ let it be temporary!!!) And I was bored. Talia lent me some books on Valdemarian history and religion and I dug in. Normally I'm not much of one for reading textbooks but I needed something to distract myself from the hysterical mental ramblings of 'Who, What, When, Why, How, Why Me'. Plus the headache I had when I woke up had not gone away yet and I fervently hoped it was connected to thinking too much.

A month went by and I was through the books Talia gave me and was on to more about the various cultures in the country. That was good and all, but my headache was still hanging around and was in fact getting worse. Nia, Talia, and I had been working to try and find the problem and some of what they were doing was helping. At first the pain would last for an hour or so then leave, but by then it was more of a manageable dull pain.

I hadn't spent much time outside because I didn't want anyone to see me and ask questions, but I was tired of the small garden outside my rooms and needed a change of outdoor scenery. I knew by then the large field I had seen from the room at the Healers was Companion's Field and in the trees beyond was a small river, so I decided to find it since water has always had a calming effect with me. Plus the walk might help my head. Kill two birds with one stone, no?

When I walked farther than my small garden for the first time I wasn't sure what to expect in terms of surroundings. What I found shocked me nonetheless. There were gardens everywhere, looking like something out of a Martha Stuart magazine. The grass was still a lush green and glittering fountains were seemingly everywhere. I found it a little odd there was no one around since it was a gorgeous fall day, but that was fine because then nobody could call attention to the fact they didn't know me.

Passing the gardens I entered the large field with long grass and scattered with white horses in the distance. I was about half way across when one of them came up to me and stared. Then I remembered _exactly_ what they were. Horses don't have crystal blue eyes that look through you and seem to know everything, leaving you shaking. Oh no, this wasn't a horse staring me down, it was a Companion. I stared back and it looked into my eyes, causing me to feel so open and vulnerable. Scared the bejesus and crap outta me. Before I could react It broke eye contact, snorted and nodded its head, and walked away.

Rooted to my spot, I wasn't sure what had just happened. Did the Companion see what it needed to and cleared me to pass? I didn't know and didn't wait for anything else to happen as I was completely unnerved. I quickened my steps across the field now really wanting to be alone, yet I could feel multiple pairs of eyes on me. They were watching. I tried to ignore the feeling as I walked but it felt like They were all assessing me, and approved of what They saw. Okay, liked by the strange horse-like creatures. 10 points for me.

As I reached the shade of the pines I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd held. I hadn't felt threatened but the Companions were kinda creepy. Shaking my head in an attempt to clear it, I closed my eyes and listened for the sound of rushing water. Not far, ahead to my left, the moist ting in the air giving it away. It was a fairly fast moving current, but shallow enough for the water to truly sing over the rocks. Just enough light was breaking though the pine boughs to cast everything in light shadow and the birds were chirping happily to each other. Best of all, I was the only one there. Now I'm not much of a believer in Heaven, but if there is one, I think it would look like that. I sat down on the bank and listened to everything, immediately feeling thirty times better than I had lately, all from staring out at the water. I guessed a couple hours had passed when I was scared out of my reverie.

"Beautiful, isn't it? It's a wonderful place to come and get away from the world," said a male voice, causing me to jump about a foot and turn to see who had interrupted my solitude. He was about 6' with wavy brown hair and big brown eyes that were looking around at the trees fondly, a slight smile playing at his lips. _Hmm, kinda cute._ Then I noticed he was wearing white. A Herald.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you, but I was told you might be here and I wanted to meet you," the man said turning his attention back to me and smiling sheepishly. "I'm Kris. May I join you?"

Even though I wasn't felling very social, not that I had been lately, I suddenly felt a loneliness I hadn't had a second ago and wanted the company. You know how sometimes you meet a person and you can't help but like them right away? One look and you think, 'this person's alright'. That was the impression Kris gave off.

I smiled slightly back and shrugged. "Jennifer. Sure, pull up some pine needles."

Kris grinned excitedly and sat next to me, his eyes never leaving me which I thought was a little weird. I looked at him sideways with an eyebrow raised and asked, "What are you so happy about? You look like a kid on Christmas morning."

"I finally get to meet you! I've heard so much about you the last few weeks and now I get to see if what I've heard is true. There are all sorts of rumors flying about how you talk differently and you come from a land so far away nobody has ever heard of it. My favorite is you have blue skin and can fly, but I never believed that one. None of the rumors said how pretty you are though." Kris looked away quickly and blushed a little at his last comment, like he couldn't believe he'd just said it.

"Uh…thanks. So guess that means the cat's outta the bag, hmm? Whole place knows I'm here?" I said grimly. So much for being left alone.

"Unfortunately so. As soon as you were moved to the Guest Wing I started hearing things. And because no one has seen you except for a select few, the Court has been demanding the Queen to introduce you. She won't acquiesce, however, because she doesn't believe you are currently capable of handling the stress." He again looked shocked at his words and tried to backpedal, which made me laugh silently. "Gods! I can't believe I just said that! It's not the Queen doesn't think you capable, but you seem to be so emotionally unstable and …Damn it!! I didn't mean that either!"

I looked at Kris torn between wanting to laugh and kick his ass for insulting me. But this guy was not an eloquent speaker and I kinda liked his honesty.

"You're pretty good at stickin' your foot in your mouth, aren't ya? She does have a point though. I'm in no way ready for that, not when I can't get rid of a stupid headache." Then the homesickness and depression I'd been fighting all month was threatening to rear its ugly head. I inadvertently let out a shaky sigh but immediately suppressed those feelings. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of a guy I didn't know, especially since I hadn't cried in front of Nia or Talia. Too late, he heard me.

"Don't do that. It will just make the pain worse, not help. I know."

"Don't preach to me, you don't know me! The hell do you know about what I'm going through?" I whispered staring fixed at the water.

"No, I don't. But I'm an Empath like Talia and you're Projecting enough for me to know. And I know many who have lost as much as you and they have survived with time. So will you," Kris replied gently.

"Sounds like you think I'll be here awhile?"

"In all honesty I think it's likely," he said gravely. "If we can't explain how you came or by what means, how do you expect to get home?"

"I don't know! But I'm not accepting the possibility I'm stuck just yet," I said fiercely and looking at him. I expected to see pity in his face but only saw the desire to help and to be a friend.

"Then don't shut us out. We know this has been a very hard time for you but we can help you emotionally as well as mentally if you let us. All I'm asking for is a chance." Kris took my hand and gave it what was supposed to be a gentle squeeze, but it was too much personal contact for me at that moment.

"Not today. Maybe some other time," I said getting up. By now the sun was starting to set and the sky was turning my favorite shade of blue and purple through the trees. I turned to leave but a question popped into my head so I stopped. "You said you were told I was here, but I didn't see anybody on my way over? How'd you know?"

"My Companion, Jaysdin," Kris said simply.

"Is he the one who stopped and looked at me?"

"No, that was Rolan. He then told Jays and Jays let me know."

"Talia's boy. I forgot you guys have your own mini spy-network with them."

Kris chuckled. "It has its good uses too. Oh no, not that I'm implying we _are_ spying on you or anything! Gods, I need to think before I speak," Kris added rather flustered. I sighed and rolled my eyes while shaking my head in disbelief. I was surprised he was still standing when both feet were in his mouth.

"Look, it's late so I'm gonna head back. It was nice meeting you, Kris," I said as nicely as I could. Something about the guy really endeared my to him and I hoped it wouldn't be the last time we'd meet.

"If I made you angry, I'm very sorry. It's a bad habit I picked up from my father that I know will come back to haunt me some day. If you should ever wish to talk or have questions you would like answered, please ask the Companions and they will pass the word along," Kris said hesitantly, like he was afraid I'd refuse.

"Okay, I will."


	2. Decisions, decisions

**A/N:** Hi everyone! I had finals last week and am now on Winter Break, so hopefully this story will be getting more off the ground in the next 3 1/2 weeks. But here's a big update of three chapters. A lot of you have read my first chapter but only one left a review, so now there should be more material to write a review on! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing of the Heralds of Valdemar series, so if you come to me looking for money on copyright infringement just know you're barking up the wrong tree.

_Ch. 2: Decisions, Decisions_

A couple more months passed and with the help of Nia and Kris I started to poke my head out of my turtle shell. They had introduced me to some of their friends they trusted to not gossip and Nia had taken me out to see Haven a couple times. _That _was a hell of a trip. It was slowly starting to sink in that Valdemar seemed to be a mix of Renaissance Europe and the Industrial Revolution, if what I remembered from the Mage Storms trilogy and Karal's description of the city still rang true. But actually seeing the city and architecture, and the way people talked and dressed and just _lived_, I felt like I was in Europe about 500 years ago. If Nia hadn't been there I would have crawled into the nearest back alley and cried, wanting nothing more than to hide myself away from the world I now inhabited. It was too much.

Kris had taken me to meet Jaysdin a few days after we met and the Companion gave me his seal of approval. Apparently that said quite a lot to the other Heralds (many of whom now knew about me but were staying silent), as if the opinions of Rolan and Queen Selenay's Companion Caryo didn't mean anything. No one told me why and I frankly didn't care. It was nice to have friends, even if I still wasn't sure they were real.

Just after Christmas, or Midwinter to them, the Court started to get restless and again petitioned the Queen to formally introduce me. According to Kris, Selenay still refused because she said my privacy was more important and the decision to present myself would be up to me, should I even want to.

"From what I understand, the Court is looking for something more like a formal inquiry than an introduction. They all have questions the Queen and Crown refuse to answer, and now some members on the Council are calling for an inquiry as well. The new rumor is because only a few high ranking people have seen you, the Queen, Talia, and Lady Elspeth to name a few, your goal is to take the throne and then kill everyone," Kris said one day while talking in my rooms. He'd taken to coming by almost every day just to check up on me, and tonight he'd even brought dinner. I was curled up in a chair by the fireplace, a hot mug of tea in my hands while Kris was stretched out on the floor, hands behind his head. His face showed utter distaste for what he'd just said.

"So what, they think I'm some kind of inter-dimensional assassin?" I asked in disbelief, hoping I was wrong. Yet the look Kris gave me said everything. "Great. Frickin' fantastic," I scoffed. "Apparently having the trust of the Companions means nothing."

He sighed again. "I don't know. But because it has been Rolan and Caryo speaking on your behalf, people have the notion you've somehow hoodwinked the Companions into being on your side," Kris said grimly.

"So I have powers now too? There anything else I should know about myself?" I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and sighed. The now ever-present pain of my headache gave a painful throb. I reached up and pinched the bridge of my nose, an action that was more a personal tick than an attempt to ease the throbbing. "Maybe I should introduce myself so everyone can get a look at the other-worldly freak and stop bitching."

"Jennifer, you don't answer to them," Kris said sharply and propping himself up on an elbow. "Should you decide to introduce yourself it should be because you want to, not because you are pressured into it. Giving into the demands of the Court and Council will only make them think they control you."

"Yeah, but I'm sick of these rumors making me out to be something other than what I am. I'm the only one who can even hope to set the record straight, and even if they don't believe me at least I can say I tried," I said firmly.

"I could speak for you..."

"I can speak for myself, thanks," I said more sharply than I intended as I cut Kris off. He looked hurt. "Look, I don't like others fighting my fights for me," I said more gently. "And it's not really that I feel pressured, it's more I'm getting sick of the gossip. I appreciate the gesture, but this is my problem."

Kris's face was full of worry and concern as he looked at me and thought about what I said. He gave a large sigh. "You're seriously considering this, aren't you? Do you really want to subject yourself to the onslaught of accusations and questions the Court and Council will undoubtedly have? And they won't be nice about it either."

I watched the dancing flames as they tickled the logs with their red and orange arms, slowly turning the wood from brown to black to white. Was I looking for guidance in the fire, like some kind of diviner or fortune teller?

"No, but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. I'm gonna have to say something sooner or later so it might as well be on my own terms. I'll talk to Talia tomorrow and see what she thinks," I said quietly. As I said those words I felt a small part of my heart harden in preparation of the trial, not introduction, that was to come.

"As long as you know what you're doing," Kris said, his voice still laced with worry.

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The next day during my therapy session for my head, I asked Talia what she thought about personally setting the record straight at Court. She didn't say anything at first, but when she did speak, her words echoed Kris from the night before.

"Are you sure you want to do that? It's true the Council wants answers, but because I've been keeping them informed about your progress, they are more willing to wait until you are ready. The Court is not as understanding and will tear you apart."

"Kris said something similar last night. But I think I need to do this," I said in defense.

"You two have been spending a lot of time together lately. Any particular reason?" Talia asked innocently, but I thought I detected a hint of something else hidden in it

I glared back. "He's a friend, just like Nia. So you can kiss my ass if you meant anything extra by that." As I'd become a little more comfortable around Talia, Nia, and Kris I'd started to let more of my personality show, which included a little more tartness and cursing. I've always thought being a little rough around the edges was part of my charm.

Talia apologized and again sounded like Kris by saying as long as I knew what I was getting into, she would support me. However there was something in her tone that made me think she wasn't telling be something. I brushed off the feeling as we were supposed to be dealing with the persistent, dull throbbing lump that was my head.

By the time we finished roughly a half-hour later, the pain had subsided some and I felt better than I had for a few weeks. Finally, progress! Having your head hurt almost continually for three months is no picnic. Yet I could have sworn some of the pain was now replaced with an ever so slight fuzziness, as if I was coming off a spinning ride at an amusement park. But I was happy I wasn't in so much pain, so it didn't concern me. I told myself I'd hurt for so long that the nerves were just over stimulated and left it at that.

I met with Queen Selenay and Consort Daren the next evening about my decision to 'come out'. When I had first met them both I was nervous about meeting royalty (even though I was convinced I was hallucinating the whole encounter) but I'd talked to both of them a couple more times since my appearance and found them wonderful. They reminded me a little of my parents and had total confidence I was a victim of some strange occurrence.

When I told them of what I was thinking they both became very apprehensive. But I'd though a lot about it since the previous evening and it just seemed right. I knew it was a gambit, but I had nothing left to loose but the rest of my self-resolve and pride and told them both as much.

"When would you like to introduce yourself then?" Selenay asked in a resigned tone. "It would be best if you did so soon. So many of the Courtiers already believe you are plotting against us, if you stay hidden much longer they will start to revolt. I wish there was something we could say to placate them, but so far we've had no luck," she said, looking hopelessly at her husband while he shook his head in resignation.

I shuddered at the thought. I could just see it as the next Fox special: _When Royal Courts Go Bad. _"God knows a revolt's the last thing I want."

"If I may make a suggestion, within the next week would be smart," Daren offered. "If you're really serious about this, the sooner the better and it gives you less of a chance to talk yourself out of it." He then looked right at me and his voice took a more stern tone.

"Jennifer, this is _not_ going to be easy. Lord Alastor, the one who has been making the most noise about bringing you out in public, has made it well known he intends to get you to talk one way or another. If you do this, he will undoubtedly be the one asking questions and he's ruthless. I've seen him bring people with an iron will to their knees. Are you certain you want to go through with this?"

I thought for a couple moments before answering._ Do I really want to do this? No. Do I really feel the need to? Not really. Am I gonna be stupid and do it anyway? Yes._ "No, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'll regret it if I don't. How does, like, in two days sound?"

Daren and Selenay gave each other a wary look. "Alright, if that is what you wish to do," he said.

"Also, I want a Herald I haven't met to be there to cast the Truth Spell. Ideally someone whose just come off a circuit because they haven't been 'tainted' or 'compromised' by me, unlike you guys," I added. "And nobody I've talked to is allowed to ask questions or stand up for me. If this Lord Alastor dude wants to grill me, let him grill me." I figured if I was going to attempt to try and fix my bad reputation, it should start right from the get-go.

"Grill you?" Daren asked, confused at my choice of adjectives.

"Interrogate me." He nodded his head in comprehension.

Selenay shook her head. "Absolutely not. I will administer the Truth Spell. If the Court does not have confidence in their Queen, then we have bigger problems. The rest I will agree with, however. But I reserve judgment to call a halt should I feel things have gone too far. You have had your entire world turned upside down these three months and I fear this may be too much for you to handle."

She took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly, giving me a smile full of admiration. "You have nothing to prove by this. You have already shown more strength of character than most people by accepting your predicament."

I squeezed her hand in return. "Thank you, Your Majesty, but that's where you're wrong. I haven't accepted anything yet and I have _everything_ to prove." _Least of all to myself,_ I thought.

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"Jenn, this has got to be the most stupid and asinine thing you have ever concocted in that lump three feet above your ass you call a head." I said to myself two days later.

It was Judgment Day, and I was half expecting Arnold Schwarzenegger to pop out of the wood work, ask if I was Sarah Connor, and blow me to bits. But instead I had to settle for having a last minute panic attack while sprawled out on the bed. My appearance at Court was to take place that evening, just after Selenay had her evening audiences. It was apparently a short list that day so the game plan was to let the Queen do her thing, then have me come out and be burned at the stake, then everyone goes off to dinner and can talk about the spectacle they just witnessed. Simple, straight forward, and completely painful on my part.

Kris had come by earlier to say hi and give me one last chance to back out. I'd refused but was now kicking myself for it. I was going to wear my own clothes to strengthen the shock and awe value I knew I'd have. I didn't want to hide in Valdemarian clothing anymore, like I had when I was going outside or leaving my rooms for a little while. After that day everyone would know what I looked like so hiding was pointless.

I found it amazing and funny all of the things I was bringing home that fateful (or would gut-wrenchingly horrible be the better term?) day had turned up with me, including the dirty laundry I was bringing home. It had all been washed and returned, so I picked out the pieces I thought I looked best in.

I looked in the full-length mirror and surveyed my work. I was wearing jeans, my favorite pumpkin orange t-shirt, a white cotton jacket, and my sneakers in case I had to run away from a screaming mob with torches and pitchforks. A little subtle make-up (which I rarely wore but had with me for some reason) to bring out my blue-green eyes, and my shoulder length brown hair was pulled back in a half tail with a few strands framing my face. I considered myself about average in the looks department and plumper than the average girl, but I had to admit, I looked _good._ Scared to death, but good.

_"None of the rumors said how pretty you are, though."_ Kris's words from when we first met rang suddenly in my mind. Did I rank fairly high on the scale of Valdemarian beauty, or was it more his personal preference? I banished the thought from my head. I was about to be skinned and flayed alive by the Royal Court and I was wondering if a guy thought I was cute. Jesus Christ.

So a couple hours went by and I was lying on the bed, uneagerly awaiting my demise, when there was a knock at the door. I got up to open it and was never so happy to see Nia. She'd agreed to come with me for moral support since we'd grown fairly close. Boy did I need a friend right then.

"They are ready for you." She gave me a once over look and seemed to be conflicted by what she saw. "Your clothing is…different, and it looks lovely on you, but you look horrible. Nervous?"

"I'm wondering why I decided to do this again."

"Because you're a bit thick in the head?"

"I was looking more for words of comfort, but brutal honesty works too."

She gave me a quick and much needed hug. "Come on, we don't want to keep them waiting."

Two guards were waiting outside the doors to my room to escort us to the audience chamber and Nia and I fell in step behind them. I reached up to touch my necklace, a dragon reared up on its hind legs with wings spread and breathing fire, hoping it would give me a boost of confidence I so desperately needed. It helped a little.

"I never noticed your necklace before. Is that something Kris gave you?" Nia asked in a low voice. She almost seemed afraid to raise her voice above a low murmur.

"No, it was a gift from my mother that she bought at a fair this summer." Tears threatened to form, but I fought them back. I couldn't loose my composure.

"What's it of?"

"It's a dragon," I said almost fondly. "Dragons are lizard-like mythical creatures with wings and breathe fire. Well, the European ones have wings, the Chinese dragons don't. Those are more serpentine in body and have this crazy lookin' mane. This is the European version. I've always liked dragons, it's one of the many things I get from my mom. Everything about them exudes power and courage, everything I don't feel right now," I sighed.

"Well, you will need the heart of a dragon for this, with all of it's power and courage to sustain you. You're braver than I, Jennifer. I could never imagine trying to do what you're about to." We were now outside a door to the audience chamber where Talia stood waiting. She looked scared for me as well, and slightly shocked at my appearance.

"You look lovely, Catling, but you also look horrible."

"Nia said the same thing."

"I know you don't want any help but I will try to ease the mood as much as possible to make this easier on you. Just because you are willing subjecting yourself to this does _not _give Lord Alastor the right to tear you apart. They all are very anxious, so do your best to stay calm." As Talia said this I felt my nervousness ease and I suddenly felt calmer.

"Thanks," I said smiling slightly, half for her words and half for her Soothing me. Talia nodded, opened the door and we walked through.


	3. Not a Jury of My Peers

_**Disclaimer:**_ I own no part of the Heralds of Valdemar series. I'm just playing with my own dolls in her dollhouse. And borrowing a few of hers as well. Maybe I'll put them back when I'm done. :)

_Ch. 3: Not a Jury of My Peers_

The first thing I saw was a sea of people in rich clothing. Women wearing dresses in every color of the rainbow and men decked out in breaches, hose, grand tunics and even a few doublets. It looked like the Tudor Court. I had stepped out onto the dais where Selenay and Daren were sitting and only saw them out of the corner of my eye; I was too transfixed on the people who were in front of me.

There was a collective gasp as the Court got their first look and immediately the whispering started. It was punctuated with disapproving glares and looks of awe.

"Why, she is actually quite pretty."

"Good Gods, she's dressed as a man! I think..."

"Horrible piece of swine, here to disrupt the peace we've held for so long."

"Taking advantage of Queen Selenay's good nature only to take the crown for itself. We'll all be dead by morning."

"Good Havens, she looks _normal!_ If it was not for the clothing you would never think she claimed to be from somewhere else." I scowled ever so slightly at that one. _Well what the _hell _did you expect? Five heads?_

"Silence!" rang Selenay's voice throughout the chamber and the talking ceased. "Lord Alastor, if you are ready, we shall begin."

A man dressed to the hilt in dark grey and a black robe stepped forward. He didn't appear to be any older than my dad, but his long hair was pulled back in a tail and was the same grey as his outfit. Tall and thin, he looked like a walking piece of iron. He fixed me with his black eyes in a hardened gaze and greeted me with a voice devoid of emotion.

"Hello, my dear. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. The Queen has already told us some preliminary details, but would you mind if I asked you a few more questions about youself?"

"No, My Lord, I do not mind. Please ask what you will." _Okay, here goes nothin'. _There was another gasp from the crowd as I assumed Selenay had envoked the _Vrondi_ and the blue haze of the Truth Spell was now visible.

Daren was right, this Alastor guy was relentless. He asked me about everything: where I came from, details about the American Government, and our history, to personal things about me like where in the States I came from, my family, my motives for being there (as if I had any), my knowledge about Valdemar and where I obtained it. And if Alastor didn't like the response I gave him to a question, he'd try to rephrase it in an attempt to trip me up, sometimes asking me the same question four or five times.

I didn't faulter or stumble over my words. Lord Alastor's iron cold gaze never left me and so I stared right back at him with a look that, I hoped, said "I'm not gonna let you break me down, asshole, so give it all you got." In fact, I was starting to get really pissed. _Dude, seriously. I'm under the Truth Spell, you're asking me the same questions five times and I'm _not_ giving you a different answer. _What_ the hell?! Just accept my answers and let it go! _

I had no idea how much time had passed. I was trying my damnedest to stay calm and keep my body composed even though I was seething with anger on the inside, but that was easier said than done. I could feel myself start to fidget where I stood and my breathing was becoming a little more heavy. I could feel Talia trying to ease my agitation but it wasn't helping. I silently hoped Selenay or Daren would call a stop to this before I did something _VERY_ stupid and rash, _VERY _soon.

" I am sure a lovely young lady such as yourself has her head filled with thoughts of marriage, and you came to Valdemar, and more specifically Haven, in search of a wealthy husband, have you not?" This was a sudden change of direction in Alastor's questioning as he'd been asking about my daily activities over the last couple months just a moment before.

"What?! Marriage? What the hell does that have to do with anything?" I asked incredulously, my composure cracking a little as I allowed my voice to rise half a pitch.

"Are you denying you have thoughts of marriage to the son of a wealthy man or someone of the noble classes?" Lord Alastor asked with a hint of malice in his words.

"Yes, I'm denying it! Marriage is the farthest and last thing on my mind right now! I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going _fucking_ insane just by being here!" Lord Alastor took an involuntary step back, like I'd just whipped him as the entire crowd gasped. _Oops. Dropped the F-bomb._

Alastor recovered quickly and shot back with his next question. "Then pray tell, Lady Jennifer, why you have been spending so much time with His Highness, Prince Kris, since your arrival."

"What are you talking about? I think I'd know if I was spending time with the Prince, don't you? That's not a detail one leaves out of polite conversation, ya know? So no, I have _not_ been spending time with the Prince."

"You have not spent time in the company of the man standing right behind you during your short stay in the Palace at the mercy of the queen, yes or no," Alastor said pointing behind me to where Selenay and Daren were sitting.

I rolled my eyes in exasperation and turned to look at who he was addressing. It took me a minute to find who he was talking about. There were Selenay and Daren, looking rather surprised at how events were turning out; Talia, standing to the left of the Queen and slightly behind looking like someone had hit her; and Elspeth was beside Talia. Interesting since she had abdicated and really didn't need to be there, but oh well, she's family.

Then I looked to the right, and the man standing there looked as if he would love nothing better than for the ground to open and swallow him whole. Tall, wavy brown hair, puppy dog brown eyes, and for the first time I noticed a hint of gold trimming to his Whites. He gave me half a sheepish smile and mouthed, "I'm sorry."

I couldn't believe it. I stood there for what felt like an eternity; silent and dumbfounded, eyes wide and mouth open as the realization slowly crept into my mind. No _way_ in Dante's nine levels of Hell. I couldn't help myself and blurted out the first words that came to mind.

"_You're the PRINCE?!?! _What the hell kind of _stupid, idiotic_, and _ludicrous_ male logic dictates you don't tell me this shit, Kris!! JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST!!" I turned quickly back to the Court and was not surprised to see a self-satisfied look on Lord Alastor's face. Like the bird just ate the canary.

"My Lords and Ladies, please," I pleaded, "I had absolutely no _inkling_ of His Highness's position when he introduced himself to me. I do not know how I would have acted differently had I known, but if my familiarity with him has caused any of you to get the wrong idea of me, I greatly apologize. I'm not here to marry anybody, or gain power or control or cause any type of trouble. I don't even know how the hell I got here in the first place."

I let out a weary sigh and hoped the Truth Spell was still active so I stood a chance of being believed. "I'm stuck in a world that by all means shouldn't exist except within the pages of a fictional storybook. None of you are real. Not you folks," as I waived my hand in general to the left, "or any of you," I addressed the people to my right. "And hell," I turned back to the Queen and Consort, "I'm not even entirely sold on you guys."

I turned back to the Court. "I don't know how I got here and all I want is to go home. That's _it!_ Being here, all this, it is _not_ what I had planned. It barely even registers as a wild dream." I hung my head and shook it. "And if none of you can take that and accept it at face value, then nothing I can say here now, or possibly do in the future, will change your mind. So please, just leave me the fuck alone."

The silence was deafening as no one said anything or moved. I just stood there, waiting for something to happen, _anything_. I knew I'd done it and my butt was gonna be packed off somewhere in about five minutes. I jumped a little as I felt an arm reach around my shoulders and start to pull me aside.

"Come on, let's get you out of here," Talia whispered as she led me back through the same side door we came in. Nia followed us and took my hands in hers. We walked in silence for a little ways until we heard rapid footsteps issuing from behind us, as if someone was running to catch up. Talia turned and said heavily, "No, this is not a good time…"

"Talia, please, I need to apologize…," I heard (His _Highness!!_) Kris say breathlessly.

"Apologize?" I half laughed, turning away from Taila's and Nia's grasps to look at him. His eyes were full of remorse and begged silently for me to listen. I could tell he felt guilty as hell but right then and there I didn't care. I took a couple steps towards him and his face grew hopeful and scared at the same time.

"Apologize? For what? For leaving out the _tiny, miniscule_, _ever so insignificant detail_ that you're FUCKIN' ROYALTY?!" I spat out angrily and on the verge of tears, further punctuating the royalty bit by pushing him slightly in the chest. "Why didn't you tell me?! Why did I have to wait and find out about this when I'm having accusations thrown at me left and right? Why?!?!"

Kris grabbed my shoulders to steady men and looked me straight in the eye. "Jennifer, I am SO incredibly sorry I didn't tell you. I…, I… guess somehow I thought you knew and…"

"KNEW? How the hell could I know? I'm not from here!" I stepped out of his hands and leveled him with the meanest look I could possibly muster. "Just because I've read some books on this place doesn't mean I know everything. Oh God, go, just go. I don't even want to see you right not." I turned away and stalked down the corridor back to my rooms, tears now freely falling.

Somehow I made it back to my suite without sobbing. I locked the doors, ran to the bathroom and started to draw a hot bath. I stripped down and got it, not caring if the water was too hot for my liking, and sobbed. All the walls and barriers I'd built up over the last couple months came crashing down in an instant and I sobbed. I missed home so much. I wanted my mom and dad; hell, I'd even take my older brother coming in to pick on me just so I could get mad at _him._ I was so confused I didn't want to think or even exist. Not in the suicidal sense, but where you can't stand to be in your own skin and would give anything to be anyone else.

I must have sat there for about two hours before I decided to get out. I dried myself off and put on some flannel pants and another of my favorite shirts. I had recently ordered it from one of my favorite websites, _Engrish. com, _that posts the funny misuses of English in Asia. It was a light blue shirt with a bulls-eye and CRAP written in the middle. Underneath it said, "What kind of world is this? It's kind of crap." _Ain't that the truth?,_ I thought as I flopped down of the bed and immediately fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: Well that was an emotional chapter, wasn't it? But I know if I was in Jennifer's place I would have been screaming and yelling long before now. The website I mention is real and is one of the funniest sites I've ever been to, so I highly recomend checking it out. Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! 


	4. Introductions

_**Disclaimer:**_ The only characters in this story I own are Jennifer, Nia, this Kris, Shayna, and Tashir. All others mentioned are the brain children of Mercedes Lackey. _  
_

_Ch 4 : Introductions  
_

After my exuberant display at Court, I holed myself up in my rooms again, too proud to apologize and too scared I'd be thrown out. I spent a couple days pouting, then decided I'd go sit by the stream, which I had learned was a small branch of the Terrilee. The cold air might do me some good and help me relax a little since my head had started getting worse again.

The fuzzy feeling had been getting stronger the past couple days and I could swear I heard whispering. It was like someone was going _psst, psst,_ in my ear and then tried to say something but I couldn't make it out. So I braved the cold, snowy morning and set out. And just like before, as I crossed Companions' Field I felt instantly better; the fuzziness was lifted and the whispering stopped. Grateful for the relief, I didn't even notice Kris was waiting for me at the stream

"I wasn't sure if you'd come here or not, but I'm glad you did. We need to talk and don't you dare walk away from me," he said as I made to turn, but he grabbed my gloved hand in his to prevent me from leaving. I still wasn't in the mood to face him.

"Let go of my hand," I said in an even voice yet laced with venom.

"Not until you listen to me."

"Or what, you'll exercise your royal authority and throw my ass in the dungeon? Go ahead. Right now I don't care and I don't want to listen to your excuses." I tried to pull away again but his grip was like a vice.

"Too bad! You're not going anywhere until I've had my say." I had never seen Kris angry and it was honestly kinda scary. His eyes were flashing and instead of the even but obviously pissed as hell tone to his voice, I was expecting him to snarl and growl. And that grip! I was starting to loose feeling in my hand a little bit.

"Then you better let go of my hand before it suffers blood loss."

"Will you stay and listen?"

"...Fine."

He immediately calmed and the blood came rushing back to my hand, but he didn't let go. I looked at my hand, then back at him and cocked my head to one side in question. He smirked and said, "Not until I've finished."

"Jennifer, I am so, _so_ sorry I didn't tell you right away who I was, but I didn't want to scare you off. I just wanted to get to know you without having to deal with rank. And yes, after a while I did think you knew or someone had told you and you didn't care. Surely you can understand what it's like to have people act differently around you due to preconceived notions?" He paused to let his words sink in before continuing.

"I wanted you to know me as Kris, not as Heir to the Throne, just as I want to know you for who you are, not as some poor, lost, exotic young woman who yells at anyone who makes her mad." Kris laughed a little at the last part, and brushed away a stray lock of hair the light breeze had blown in my face. By then he had drawn me close and let his hand linger on my cheek, stroking it slightly.

For the three months I'd known Kris, I'd never heard him sound so upset, and it hurt to know it was because of me, but it didn't change the fact I was still mad at him. Plus, he was too close for comfort at that moment and the way his hand rested on my cheek spoke of more than friendship. I shook my head and stepped out of his reach.

"You don't want to be seen with a nutcase. Just leave me alone." My felt a painful throb behind my left eye, causing me to hiss in pain as my hands shot up to cradle my head, which now felt as fuzzy as cotton. I suddenly felt sick and my knees felt weak.

Kris placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me close again. "It's that devil of a headache that won't go away, isn't it." I nodded into his chest. "You should be in bed lying down, not out here in the snow. Come, let's get you to bed.'

"No, I'm sick of being inside. Just leave me alone out here for a little bit and I'll be fine. It's just a headache."

_:Well I'm sorry Chosen, but it's not just a headache. And if he leaves you alone out here, I won't. Then I'll track him down and trample both him _and_ Jays. Then Lyra will have to come off circuit to take over the duties of her dead brother.:_

"Shit! Enough with the voices already!" I wrenched myself from Kris's hold and turned to see if I could find the source of the feminine voice I'd just heard. There was no one there except Kris and I, until I noticed two bright blue orbs that almost seemed to be floating in the air had they not been connected to the body of a horse. No, wait. Not horse, Companion. _Companion!?_

"Holy crap, Batman. I just heard you in my head. You just spoke to me," I said, completely thrown for a loop. What the hell was a Companion doing talking to me?

_:Yes I did. You know, you're quite hard to get to when you spend much of your time indoors, Chosen. You need to get out more.:_

"Chosen?" I looked around, almost expecting to see someone else had popped out from behind the trees, but saw nobody but Kris. He was clearly shocked, but also looked as if he knew what was going on. I turned back to the horse, no _Companion_, and said, "What do you mean, Chosen? There's no one else here." Then it hit me.

"Whoa, w...w...wait a minute. You don't mean ME, do you?" I said pointing to myself.

_:Yes, I do mean you. My name is Shayna, and I Choose you.:_

It then felt as if the world was wiped away as I found myself lost in a pair of bright blue eyes. After feeling like the butt end of a galactic joke for so long, I was now engulfed in the realization I would never have to suffer alone again. I had an anchor for my drifting boat, and was drowning in more love and reassurance then I'd ever known. As quickly as it left, "reality" came flying back and I found my arms around Shayna's neck and my face buried in her mane. Comprehension overtook me as I reluctantly let go and took a few steps back.

"Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, what just happened?"

_:A simple "Goodness" would have been sufficient:, _Shayna said in a laughing tone, before getting serious. _:Your headaches have caused you too much trouble to ignore anymore. The faint whispers you've been hearing are not your imagination, it's your Gift of Mindspeech starting to develop, and that's why you can hear me.:_

I just stood there, frozen to the ground, not even noticing the cold winter air or how the snow was freezing my feet in my boots. I was Chosen. That was one possibility that had never even occurred to me, but there it was. I had just been Chosen. I was going to be a Herald. _This can't be real. No way is it real,_ I thought to myself.

Shayna took a couple steps forward and nosed my chest, her gaze never leaving my face. _:This is real, Love; you are not dreaming and you are not hallucinating. Everything you have experienced over the last three months is real. I know it's a lot to absorb, but we need to get your issues straightened out before you become a danger to yourself and everyone else. Come, I'll take you two to the Healers so Nia can take a look at your head.:_

Shayna knelt in the snow so I could mount but I didn't move. I was still in too much shock.

"You heard her, come on," Kris said lightly, taking my hand again and leading me to her.

"You heard all that? But I thought…," I asked Kris, completely stunned.

"Companions only talk to their Chosen? Mostly, but they can talk to whomever they chose. And your dear lady was kind enough to include me in the conversation," he said laughing. He helped me on Shayna's back and sat down behind me, arms firmly around my waist. I swayed a little as Shayna rose and Kris tightened his arms so I wouldn't fall.

"Don't laugh at me, I knew that," I cried indignantly, "It's just…," I groaned, "Ah man. What the hell just happened again?"

He chuckled and I elbowed him in the stomach, which only made him laugh harder. "You have earned yourself a permanent room here as a Herald Trainee and a conscience who talks back. And I thought you made things interesting before. This changes everything."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Understandably I had quite a lot to get used to, what with my sudden Choosing and all. But that was nothing compared to what Nia told me when she Looked at my head. She was so surprised she had to have Kris check to make sure she was right. As Shayna said, a Mindspeech pathway was there and was about half way open, but there were two other Gifts as well: Fetching and Firestarting, and both of _them _were half open as well. I assumed while I'd been out for the count when I first arrived someone had tested me for Gifts but had turned up nothing. So the sudden appearance of three, one of which (Firestarting) being fairly rare, and all of them opening at the same time, baffled everyone to no end.

But the biggest of my problems, I felt at the time, was yet to come. I'd started to spend time with Shayna in the 'stable' for the Companions since it was indoors and warmer than the snowy grounds in early January. During our time together we would work on some rudimentary Shielding to keep me stable until I started formal classes.

I still wasn't sure about the whole Herald thing and had no idea what I was doing with Gifts, so the Heraldic Circle decided it was best to wait a little while until I felt more comfortable with things. Both my new occupation and new mind toys scared the crap outta me. Strange world + strange people + magic powers x girl freaking out equals nothing good. So if I needed anything Shayna couldn't do for me, I had half the Heralds at my beck and call.

One unusually warm day later that month I was sitting outside on a bench in one of the dormant gardens, enjoying the sun and working with Shayna on stabilizing my mental Shields, when an amused (and slightly smug?) male voice broke my concentration.

"So this is where you've been hiding, my fair one. Here I was searching for a pretty picture and yet stumbled upon a beautiful masterpiece!"

_Huh?_ I opened my eyes and was greeted with the sight of one of the most gorgeous men I'd ever seen. Roughly Kris's height, brown hair that fell _just so_ into glittering brown eyes, Johnny Depp good looks and dressed up all in red. Bard. Yet despite the stunning looks and smooth attempt at a pickup, his smile was raising red flags. Devastating as it was, it seemed to say, "I hit pay dirt." Whatever this guy though, he had another thing coming.

"There had been talk these past weeks you had been thrown from the grounds, while others said you had been Chosen. I have to say I'm delighted to see the former is false and the latter true," he said refering to my now grey attire. "Had you left, the Court would have been without its finest rose."

_Oh. My. God. Somebody shoot me._ I raised an eyebrow at him and said, "Contrary to what it may seem, Shayna and I are busy, so who are you and what the hell do ya want?" completely ignoring the supposedly flattering comments. I didn't even know the guy and he irritated the hell outta me.

"Please, forgive me. My name is Tashir Lafaldon and it is entirely my pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady Jennifer of Amrikca," he replied charmingly whilst bowing smoothly and placed a light kiss on my hand. By then I'd had enough and was resisting the urge to upchuck at his feet.

"Charmed," I replied irritably. "Now if you'll excuse me." I stood and had only taken a few steps before he stepped in front of me, blocking my path of escape. Could the guy not take a hint?

"May I escort you to your destination? A fine lady of your stature really should not be without one and I would relish the opportunity to speak with you. I've heard many fascinating rumors and an interested in their origins..." That was it; I'd had it with this ass.

"Alright, look buddy!" I nearly yelled, cutting him off in surprise. "I've already had one HELL of a fortnight, what with having a horse-like creature telling me I'm now her Chosen; plus coming to terms with the fact I now have abilities that in MY reality, 'cause I'm still not sure all this is happening, I shouldn't have. And one of said abilities is hearing voices! Do you have any idea how disconcerting it is when I've spent the last nearly four months wondering if I was going crazy, only to find out there might be a foundation of truth to it, when I'm now hearing God-_damned_ voices!"

By now all the last few weeks' pent up frustrations were pouring out and I didn't give a damn who the unlucky victim was. I was livid and desperate need of a punching bag.

"So it would please me greatly, my good sir," I said switching to a more formal tone in an attempt to mock him, "if you were to leave me be with my thoughts before they turn to you into a human torch and fantasy becomes reality!" I spat and stormed past.

That last comment must have made my point because he didn't follow. I headed back to my room, now in the dorm with the other Trainees, and flopped on my bed. I was so beyond angry that I threw my first tantrum in years on the feather mattress.

:_Your behavior with Tashir was rather uncalled for, but it may have done him some good: _Shayna stated simply after I'd calmed down. I also felt the barriers she'd placed around me in order to control my growing Gifts ebb a little.

"How so," I sighed with my face in the covers and still steaming. Why the hell did he make me so mad?

:_Mindspeech, love, you need to get used to it:_

_:Sorry. Just kinda awkward. You were saying?:_

_:As far as I know you're the first woman to turn his advances away, so hence you've punctured his rather lofty ego. Tashir is well known in Court for breaking the hearts of every new pretty thing who comes here. He came to Bardic at 15, late by average standards, and is about 4 years older than you. That should give you an idea how long his wake is : _

"A Valdemarian playboy, huh? Great. So let me guess, he saw the whole deal at Court and now I'm next on his hit-list?" Shayna sent a wordless agreement. "Peachy, a young George Clooney," I seethed aloud. A talking 'horse', magic powers, stuck in a world I was still excepting with no way to get home, a prince I was fairly certain wanted to be more than friends, and now I had the resident lady-killer on my case. Was it Karma finally biting me in the ass? And yet most other girls in my place would be thrilled.

:_Be careful, Chosen. You already have so much turmoil right now and Tashir is the last thing you need. He has the attention span of a two-year old regarding women, so just ignore him. His interest with you will pass.:_

:_Don't worry, Shayna. I have no intention of falling for anything he tries on me. You're right, I have WAY too many complications to deal with. Something about him just made me so angry that I blew. I'll be ok, eventually:_, I replied via Mindspeech without even thinking about it. Strange. I'd been so hesitant to use that Gift because of the 'hearing voices in my head' thing, the fact I'd just used it surprised me.

_:I hope so, for your sake. Now, is using Mindspeech so bad?:_ Shayna prodded, sending me a hint of amusement at my momentary startelment.

"I'll let ya know. Having you in my head is gonna take some _serious_ getting used to."

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	5. Why Do Things Have to be So Complicated?

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing and no one you haven't already read in a Mercedes Lackey book. If it's something or someone you haven't read in her books, then it's mine and you can't have it. But if you ask nicely I'll let you borrow it.

**A/N:** And now time for chapter 5. I feel like I've been having Jenn suffer from a sever case of PMS lately, so I'm going to try and tone her down some in the next chapters. But she's in for a few more surprises. Also, I'd like to give a huge shout out ot WolfMusic, Captian Kurt Hoffman, and Raggedygall for leaving reviews! Thanks a ton.

Raggedygal: I'm trying to give Jennifer a mouth a sailor would be proud of because that's just how I envision her. I'm glad you like that. As for how she got to Valdemar and the time setting, the first one I'm not sure I'm going to answer (leaves a little mystery) but I do like your idea. The second I will in Ch. 6 which I'm still tweaking.

Anywho, onward!

_Ch. 5: Why Do Things Have to be So Complicated? _

About 3 weeks later, mid to late February by my reckoning, I officially started my training and classes as a Herald Trainee. It was about what I expected from what I remembered of reading about Talia's time at the Collegium, but with some exceptions. I only had one chore, kitchen detail, and the rest of my time was filled with extra Shielding and Control classes.

I had some control of my Gifts on a subconscious level, but over the last two weeks my Fetching, Firestarting, and Mindspeech had opened to full strength, so nobody was taking any chances. Doubly so because it was the unspoken assessment of every Herald and Healer that I wasn't entirely stable, emotionally or mentally. And with full power Fetching and Firestarting, that wasn't a good combination.

All the Heralds were worried about me on a personal level as well. The only person I would really talk to anymore was Nia as I hadn't fully forgiven Kris, and I was having a major contextual problem with the Mindspeech and so rarely used it. Even to talk to Shay. It's one thing when _you_ respond to your own internal monologue. It is something completely different when _another_ disembodied voice _responds_ to said monologue. I don't care who you are or where you come from, that's just creepy.

And it wasn't just that I was avoiding people, they were also avoiding me as well. Nobody knew what to make of me. The entire Palace and all four Collegiums now agreed I'd been through more than the average person deserved, and were surprised I was still holding up. Thus I was dubbed "The Ice Queen", because I seemed so cold-hearted; nothing affected me. But since they were all afraid I'd suddenly go postal, people stayed clear of me.

My other problem was I had acquired three more Gifts, bringing my grand total to six, adding half opened Farsight, Projective Empathy, and ThoughtSensing to my repertoire. I felt like a God-damn ticking time-bomb. My Shielding sessions were pretty intense, as were my sessions to control the Firestarting and Empathy, so I had a fairly decent handle on things. But whenever I was around others I Felt Shayna snap up more protections. The question I always asked was were they for me or other people.

With classes and the extra sessions to keep myself controlled, I didn't even think about life. I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself centered and from falling apart. At that point, life in general seemed like way too much of a complication.

Another 2 weeks passed, and my temporary peace was broken. For early March, it was really warm outside (the weather-witches and other Mages said it was going to be a warm spring and summer) and I was tired of being cooped up. I was in one of the gardens near the dorms, sitting on a bench reading an assignment for my Religions class when _he _found me.

"Well hello! I didn't expect to find you here. I thought you ran away," Tashir grinned triumphantly. He was carrying a lute and seemed surprised to find me. His smile still had a hint of "jackpot" in it, causing me to roll my eyes in annoyance.

"Nor did I, and I did. Now go away, I'm reading," I said, returning my gaze to my book.

"May I ask what you're reading?" he asked as he sat next to me. My anger was rising and I felt my skin start to warm, a sign I was losing my fragile control on my Firestarting. Not good.

_:Deep breaths, Chosen, and try to ignore him. Either that or get up and walk away.:_

_:Easier said than done, Shay, but I'll try.:_

"Words, phrases, and sentences. All of which are strung together to make a subject topic you're interrupting. Go away, please." _Say 'Please'_, I told myself, _and give him a warning before you knock him through the wall. _

"Yes, I can see that. What topic? Maybe I could answer any of your questions." He leaned toward me and reached for my book, but I swatted his hand away like a fly and glared at him.

"I don't need your help or anything else you claim to offer. Please leave me alone already," I spat. Tashir was taken slightly aback but smirked.

"You, Lady Jennifer, have quite a temper and I'm not sure what I've done to offend you. If it was my actions upon our first encounter, I do apologize. I was merely being polite." He tried to take my hand to presumably kiss it but I moved it and leveled him with my patented "Leave me alone you piece of dog shit" glare. He bowed his head slightly and smiled.

"Then please, allow me to make it up to you by inviting you to dine with me this evening. I wasn't lying when I said I wished to speak with you and it would give us the time to straighten out our apparent misunderstanding." He smiled a winning smile that probably made other girls melt, but it just made me cold with indifference. _Damn, this guy is arrogant!_

"Did you not hear me tell you to go away?"

"Did you not hear my offer of dinner?"

Oh, Je-sus _CHRIST_!!!

"Ok, fine. I'll leave," I said irritably as I stood and tried again to walk away from him. And again, he followed, only this time walking in step with me.

"Am I to assume you're declining my offer?"

"Gee, what was your first clue?" the statement rich with sarcasm.

"Perhaps another time when you would be more inclined to accept?"

"And what makes you think there'll be a next time?" I scoffed.

"Surely this game cannot go on forever, thought I am finding it quite enjoyable." I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at Tashir incredulously while suppressing the overwhelming need to smack my head with my book, and then wallop him.

_:Jennifer, love, you're playing into his game. End the conversation now and walk away:_ Shayna warned, but I was too incensed to heed her.

"Is that what you think this is? Some courtly flirting game?" I all but shrieked. "Did it ever occur to you I may not want your company or anything to do with you?"

"I have yet to be wrong when reading a young lady such as yourself. Something tells me you are as interested in me as I am in you," Tashir stated simply, the smug smile playing on his lips once more.

"Well guess what, asswipe. You are this time. Now leave me the fuck alone," I retorted venomously and tried to leave but he stepped in front of me, keeping me right where I was.

"Such a foul temper and foul mouth! Two very unlikely traits from a _very_ unlikely lady. I'm well aware your intention is to be rid of me, but it is having the opposite effect. With each remark you prove yourself to be increasingly intriguing and much unlike anyone I've ever met." His eyes were dancing with excitement and his expression clearly said "Holy crap! This chick is something else!''

"And this unlikely lady is about 5 seconds away from kicking your ass through the wall if you don't stop following me," I hissed as menacingly as I could, hoping he'd take the hint. But if he didn't, at that moment I momentarily lost control of my Fetching, not Firestarting thankfully, and unintentionally threw a couple small rocks by his head so hard they made a ringing CLACK on the stones of the wall to our left.

I stormed away for a third time, and finally Tashir stayed behind and let me go. By then I had a monstrosity of a headache and wanted nothing more than to find Shayna and have her help me calm down. Unfortunately, that was impossible since I had my weapons lesson with Kerowyn and Jeri next. Instead I opted for dropping my book at my room and taking a few extra minutes to calm myself before heading for the salle, hoping Kero wouldn't chew my ass for showing up angry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

By dinner time my headache hadn't gone away, just gotten worse. It wasn't even the same kind of headache I had before I was Chosen. Those were annoying aches I could ignore for the most part and go on my slightly merry way. The worse this one got, the more I found myself fighting the urges to wretch and pass out. It was like someone was bashing my skull with a sledgehammer and punching me in the gut at the same time.

There was no way I could tolerate the dining hall with my head pounding so, which left the only other option of choking down a little bread in my room. I went outside and found Shayna waiting for me at the door closest to my room. The wind was starting to pick up and was rather cold, but right then I didn't care; I wanted my horsey. I sat down next to her and buried my face in her shoulder.

_:Why won't the pain stop? I drank that nasty-ass willow bark tea and it's not helping. And I don't think I can make it to the Healers.:_

_:I've already passed the word along for Nia and Talia to come take a look at you. You should go back to your room and rest while you wait. Being out here won't help, you'll catch cold:_

_:Being outside does help actually. It's like the walls make whatever's banging inside my head worse, like it's reverberating against the stone and is funneled back to me. What the hell's wrong now?:_ I wailed mentally. Other than the pounding head and upset stomach I felt fine, but I knew there was something seriously wrong and it wasn't one of my other Gifts doing something strange. Not that I'd know from experience, but I just knew they weren't the cause.

I didn't hear Talia and Nia show up but I did feel a sense of comfort and concern wash over me that could only come from Talia, mixed with a green tint I'd come to recognize as Nia. My headache eased a little, to the point where my stomach calmed, but I still hurt like hell. Then I received another nasty throb and I Felt my Shields all but collapse.

If they spoke to one another I didn't hear them, and soon I felt the Presence of two new people in my head, ones I'd never Felt. Whatever the new people did helped much more than Talia and Nia because the pain became much more manageable and I was able to listen to what Shayna was saying again.

_:Jennifer, sweet one. Darkwind, Elspeth, Talia, and Nia are going to take you back to your room. You're going to be in much more pain soon, but it's the only way for us to help you right now._

_:What's wrong with me?:_ I begged.

_:Not now, sweetling. Just relax as much as possible right now and let Nia put you to sleep.:_ I could tell Shayna was trying to keep from freaking out over my condition, for she knew what was wrong, but was afraid to tell me. I then heard Nia's voice somehow cut through the pain sounding slightly warped, like it was coming from an old record.

"Jenn, I need you to try and fully take down your shields. I know it's hard and you're in too much pain to really even think, but you need to do this for us so we can help." Since they were starting to fail anyway, I knew taking them down was not problem. In fact, they shattered at my Touch and even through the pain I could feel the wind pick up, a whiff of smoke (my Firestarting starting to go rouge), and hear everyone around me even though the words didn't make sense. Then one of the new Presences in my mind Touched a spot that made me scream out loud and caused my body to convulse in pain. Then I felt nothing more than soothing darkness.

------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up I felt like I'd been run through a meat grinder. Every single cell in my body hurt and burned. I didn't dare open my eyes for even through my lids the sun leaking through the drawn curtains was making my head throb. I tentatively tried to reach out to Shayna and was rewarded with the sensation of immense relief and soothing comfort.

_:Do I even need to ask how you feel right now?:_ she mentally whispered.

_:No. I feel like shit.:_

_:At least you haven't lost your upbeat sense of humor. You've been asleep for 2 days and we were starting to get worried. Darkwind knew when he Touched you he'd send you into even greater pain, but you frightened him when you screamed and passed out. I assume you know who Darkwind is, don't you?: _I had to search my memories for a few seconds before I was able to answer, but it was in the affirmative and Shayna continued.

_:This next part is going to be difficult to hear, but you have a new Gift. We're not sure how, but we missed this just like the rest. The pain you were experiencing was because it seemingly formed and opened fully all at once where your others had some time to open gradually. We don't know how this happened, Chosen, but we will do everything we can to make you whole again.:_

_:So which one is it?:_

_:Mage:_ Shayna said reluctantly.

_:I have, a fully opened, MageGift?:_ I asked slowly.

_:Right now we don't know how powerful it is, just that it's open. Gwena, Elspeth, and I have been throwing around the notion anger is your catalyst, but it is just a theory. Right now you need to try and get some rest. You need it more than anything else_.:

Once again I felt a wave of gentle comfort from her as an encouragement for sleep, but I had too many thoughts running around my head to sleep. How could I develop 6 Gifts in the rough span of a month and then develop a seventh without anyone who'd been in and out of my head noticing? I hadn't even come to terms with the concept I was stuck there, most likely permanently, and then to be Chosen and develop 7 Gifts suddenly...

It was too much. I hadn't really been given the time needed to assimilate the information and consequences of having a Companion and Gifts, and now I had just been told I was a Mage. The most rare Gift a Herald could possess and it decided to grow in my mind like a tumor and pop up outta nowhere. Tears of frustration and pain sprang up suddenly but I was too tired to wipe them away.

"What kind of freak show am I turning into?" I wondered aloud in a whisper. I heard a yelp come from the side of my bed and heard Nia's voice.

"Jennifer? You're awake? Bright Havens you scared me! How do you feel? I imagine horrible so I have some medicines here for you to help your head. I'm going to help you sit up, alright? I have powders if you feel you can drink anything or a new sort of vapor some of the other Healers have tried and said has worked wonders. I would like to try the vapor, but it would probably be best if you drank something since you've been asleep for 2 days. Do you feel hungry at all? I can call for some broth if you wish? And I..."

"Nia," I whispered weakly, "shut up." Even though I was in more pain than I could ever remember feeling in my short 19 years, I still found it amazing that a Healer could talk so much and run right over anything a patient might want to say. "Just something to drink."

"Alright, powder then. And no, they don't taste badly, I think." She helped me sit up and drink the slightly gritty concoction, but at least it tasted alright and didn't make me gag like some stuff I'd had. I laid back down on my pillows and was grateful to be horizontal again because the slight change in my orientation had caused my head to throb painfully.

Nia asked what I remembered and I told her of my small conversation with Shayna moments before. She seemed happy she wasn't the one to break the news to me, but I could still see the worry on her face through my half closed eyes.

"I really scared you guys, huh?"

"Yes. Master Darkwind and Lady Elspeth were dreadfully frightened. Kris, myself and they have been taking turns watching you incase you woke. The Queen herself has even been down. I had just sent Elspeth off to sleep when I heard you speak. Kris, however, has been the worst. He refused to leave your side until Lady Elspeth threatened to drop him in a manure pile," she said trying unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle.

"Where's he now?" I asked, rather wanting to see my other friend.

"Master Darkwind dragged him back to his quarters earlier today to rest as well, but Kris told Shayna to tell Jaysden as soon as you woke, so I suspect he'll be here shortly. But until then, you rest and try to sleep. Healer's and friend's orders," Nia said firmly with a relieved smile playing on her features. I couldn't have stayed awake much longer anyway, so I let sleep take me over and away.

* * *


	6. Breakdown

**_Disclaimer:_** Mercedes Lackey owns the inspiration for this story, I just had too much time on my hands and this is what my mind thought up in the process. Don't sue, 'cause I'm a college kid and have no money.

**A/N:** This chapter is kinda short compared to my previous ones, bit I feel it takes an important turn for what I have planned. It's a little angsty again and I tried to keep it to a minimum, but it's not called _Breakdown_ for nothing. Please remember to leave a review when you finish, even if it's to tell me to chill.

_Ch. 6: Breakdown_

Somewhere in the unwritten rulebook of fairy tales and fantasy stories, is the rule that something has to come along and utterly defy convention. Apparently in this case, that responsibility landed on me. And I didn't know if I liked it.

Valdemar had had its fair share of strange-ass stuff occurring in the last half century; ranging from the whole Hulda and Ancar thing, to Elspeth returning from the Vales as a Mage with Darkwind, Firesong, Nyara, and Gryphons in tow, and then dealing with the Mage Storms. But that was roughly 25 years ago, and because magic had been so messed up no one thought anything huge would happen again for a _very_ long time.

Then I got dropped in their laps and scared the shit outta people. Even though I had been Chosen, was I _really_ on Valdemar's side? Was I the innocent victim in some unknown event as I claimed, or was I the new enemy signaling the beginning of a new war?

I was mulling over these thoughts and others about a week and a half later out at my spot by the stream. I had made a fast recovery and so earlier that day had been my first Mage 101 lesson with Elspeth. I was a little taken back when she said she and Darkwind would be handling my lessons, yet it made sense. These were two of the most powerful and experienced Mages this side of the Pelagiris, and if they couldn't handle me my other option was probably getting shipped off to the Vales and dealing with Firesong. I wasn't too sure about that one.

For my first lesson, it was mostly a Q and A session with me explaining what I knew about magic and magery and how it was perceived at Home. (Elspeth had a good laugh when I tried to explain Harry Potter. Damn near had to pick her off the floor.) We then did a little more work on Shielding since that was a little different when working with magic. It had been an easy lesson by any standards, but it left me severely shaken. (Not stirred.)

That's why I was at the river. My Mage lesson had been my last of the day and I immediately ran off in search of the blessed comfort only water and Shay could bring me. So there we were, laying in silence and listening to the water running over the rocks. That was the closest I came to really being at peace anymore, with Shayna acting as my pillow and not hearing anything but the sounds of nature.

I Felt a gentle Mindtouch and acknowledged it, recognizing it as Kris. He walked up and sat beside us, resting his arms on his knees. The three of us sat there for a while before he broke the silence.

"So, how was the lesson with my lovely elder sister?" he asked.

I closed my eyes and took a few breaths in attempt to steady my nerves, but to no avail. I let out one more breath, more shakily than intended, before responding in a thick voice. "I'm not sure I can do this."

Kris shifted his weight as he turned to look at me. "Not sure you can do what?'

"This. All of it," I said, motioning at nothing in particular. "I thought I could but I don't know. Something about the lesson this afternoon just…I'm having serious doubts." I was on the verge of tears yet a large part of me refused to let Kris see me cry. I took a second to compose myself before I continued.

"My other Gifts, okay, those I could deal with. They seem more manageable, more… _normal_, if you will. But the Mage Gift…I just don't know if I can do this. I'm trying _so hard_, to take things in stride and just go with things but…but…it's been nearly six months and I can't and now I've got this and…." I wailed as a solitary tear rolled down my cheek. Hastily I brushed it away.

_:Chosen, it's alright to let go and cry. Kris won't think any less of you.:_ Shayna replied comfortingly.

_:I know, but I cried enough when I came out here.:_ I felt her place imaginary arms around me, accompanied by the sensations of compassion and slight disapproval.

_:Bottling up your emotions won't help. _Especially _as a Projective Empath.:_

_:I know and I'm sorry.:_

Kris reached for one of my hands and squeezed it gently. "What if you're trying _too_ hard? You said you're trying to take things in stride, but what if you're unconsciously preventing yourself from properly adjusting? Maybe if you _consciously_ accept you're here and not in some wonder tale…"

"Yeah, well it's a little hard to _unlearn_ what you have _learned_, Yoda. You should try it some time. God, Kris! For being an Empath sometimes you really _suck_ at giving advice," I spat and got up to leave. I liked Kris, I really did. But like with all guys, at times it was like talking to a brick wall.

"Well what do you want me to say?" he cried indignantly as he followed me back towards the Palace. "Tomorrow you can drop everything and go home? Gods, Jenn, we've had this conversation before. We Heralds have no idea how you came to be here and thus no way to get you home! Like it or not, you're stuck here and as a Herald-Mage trainee you now have a job to do! It's best if you start warming to the idea of having a life here!"

"Well maybe I just want you to listen to me and not say anything! You always seem to have an answer for everything…"

"Because you don't have any yourself! If you're not going to make decisions about your life then someone has to!"

I spun on a dime and slapped him so hard the echo pounded in my ears. We'd been having that argument a lot lately. I was getting frustrated with everything and he said I should just accept it all and get on with my life. But acceptance right then felt too much like giving up. And if there's one thing I'm not, it's a quitter.

"I am _not_ someone you can push around and make decisions for! You're not the King yet and technically I'm not one of your subjects. So don't you _ever_ say that to me again," I growled and stalked away. He tried to call out and apology and something about saying it wrong but his words fell on deaf ears.

By the time I reached the Palace gardens my pent up tears were freely flowing. I was so angry I couldn't even see where I was walking until I walked right _into_ someone. I muttered an apology and tried to walk away, but whoever I ran into grabbed my arms and steered me to a nearby bench and sat me down. They pulled out a handkerchief and started to wipe away the tears.

"You certainly are a mess. Whatever has you upset must be serious if it's cracked that icy exterior of yours," said Tashir seriously. It took me a few moments to register his voice, but when I did I tried to jerk my arms out of his grasp. He held firm. I opened my mouth to yell at him but again he stopped me.

"Before you say anything, know this. _You_ ran into me in obvious distress and I cannot let that be. I have done nothing nor said anything to offend you, so in this instance I don't deserve to be yelled at." He had placed a finger under my chin and raised my head to look him in the eye. Concern was the one emotion I hadn't expected to see from him, yet it clearly poured from every aspect of his face. There was also worry. _Is this guy _actually_ worried about me?_

"Sorry," I whispered as I buried my face in my hands. "Rough afternoon."

"May I ask what's wrong?" he inquired gravely.

For some reason that did it. My emotional dams broke and I became a blubbering puddle right there in front of him. I told him all about how frustrated I'd been feeling over the last few weeks, how scared I was about my Gifts, how no one seemed to really understand how alone I felt, and how tired I was of trying.

And the whole time Tashir didn't say anything. He just placed his arms around me and pulled me into a comforting embrace I'd so far only felt from Shayna. He sat there and held me, lightly stroking my hair as I cried myself out.

After a while I stopped but didn't pull away from his embrace. Even though the two times I'd met the guy I'd blown up at him, it felt good to have someone just _be there_. Finally I pulled away and he let me. Tashir took up the handkerchief again and started to dry my face with a slight smile.

"So _that's _what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a Projective Empath?" He sighed heavily and sadly shook his head. "I never would have guessed you were so torn up inside. You truly are amazing to have kept it together for this long. Anyone else I know would have gone completely mad from the strain, but you…you make it look so easy."

"It's not," was all I could think to say.

"Do you at least feel a little better?" he asked gently.

I simply nodded, my throat too sore to really talk.

"Good, I'm glad. Let's get you to your room," Tashir said as he helped me stand. My knees shook a little and he had to place an arm around my waist to steady me.

"No, thanks, I'll be fine. I can get there myself," I said, but he wasn't buying it.

"Like hell you will. Now you either let me walk you back to your room or I'll carry you. Your choice," he said sternly.

"Fine, you can walk with me," I whispered.

We walked the rest of the way back to the Heraldic wing of the Palace side by side, far enough apart to where I didn't feel uncomfortable but close enough to where he could grab me if he thought I was going to fall. I didn't realize how exhausted yelling at Kris and crying on Tashir's shoulder had made me, and I was silently glad he was there in case I fell over.

He deposited me at my room and went in search of some dinner for me, as it was just after the supper bell. He came back with a tray of beef stew, fresh bread, some cheese, and a couple fruit pastries.

"Comfort food," Tashir said, gesturing to the pastries. "Something sweet always helps me when I'm having a difficult time composing or writing. I thought they might make you feel less like the business end of a horse." He smiled sweetly and I allowed myself a small amount of appreciation for how handsome he really was. Even more so now that he wasn't blatantly hitting on me.

"Hey," I said softly as Tashir closed the door to leave. He stopped and looked at me curiously. "Thanks, for lettin' me cry that out. I guess I needed it more than I thought."

Tashir's eyes shone with surprise and gratitude at my thanks.

"You are very welcome, My Lady," he nodded and closed the door.

* * *


	7. The Immortal Words of Pat Benatar

**_Disclaimer: _** If the world and characters of Velgarth and Valdemar were mine, do you think I'd be posting this story here? I only own the characters you haven't read about before. Also, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" belongs to Pat Benatar and whoever wrote it. I'm not that creative.

**A/N:** Happy Holidays everybody! Not only am I greatly enjoying the fact the story is almost writing itself right now, but it's also the cheapest gift I've gotten anyone this year. So here are two new chapters in time for whatever you're celebrating. And a great big thanks to everyone leaving reviews. Enjoy!

_Ch. 7: The Immortal Words of Pat Benatar_

And so that was the song and dance for the remainder of my first year. Kris and I would argue about stuff (though I got better at keeping my temper and he didn't stick his foot in his mouth as much), Nia took me with her on a week trip to Lake Evendim to see her family, and I became really good friends with a fellow Herald and childhood friend of hers named Trine.

Trine had been out on his internship circuit when I came and was just as fascinated to meet me as everyone else had been at first. I liked him instantly as he reminded me a lot of some of my older brother's friends. He was short and squat, easy-going, warm, and had a flaming personality to match his red hair. What I liked most was he and I could banter bull-shit back and forth for hours, since we had matching dry and sarcastic senses of humor. It was something I hadn't realized I'd missed.

As time went on I slowly became a little more used to the idea of where I was and started to let myself enjoy it. There were still plenty of mornings I expected to wake up at Home in my bed to find it all had been a bad dream, but they were becoming less frequent.

The fact I missed home was still painfully obvious, but I wasn't talking, not even to Talia. So far, the only one who knew much of anything about me was Shayna; partly because of our bond, but also because she'd outright ask where no one else did. Some nights I'd fall asleep telling her stories of Home. Other times I'd do the same crying. Most of me still saw her as a horse, but the rest that saw her as a _person_ was beginning to take over, slowly but surely.

I also began to throw myself into my studies and mage work. My Mage Gift was an incredibly high level Adept status; not quite as powerful as Firesong or Vanyel Ashkevron, but certainly close, and I wanted to control it as soon as possible. I thought if I kept busy I wouldn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I'd spent the first half of the year doing that, and I was done. Self-pity only left me feeling depressed and if I was going to survive in that medieval time-warp, I had to keep my wits. So no more crying or frustrated outbursts. Take it one day at a time.

The biggest change I saw during that time, however, was in Tashir. He tried the charming and sweet-talk routine a couple more times after I used him as a towel in the garden, but it earned him nothing but more scathing remarks. I was certain a one-time showing of actual compassion didn't mean anything and told him as much.

Apparently I was wrong, cause soon after Palace gossip said he'd dumped his girl of the moment and had only one target in sight: me. Supposedly I'd hit a nerve when I told him (in a completely calm and rational voice, mind you) chauvinistic pig was a compliment and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. So Tashir set out to prove me wrong. And Kris did _not_ like this.

Since Tashir had elicited a non-hostile response from me by being a nice guy and ditching the charm, that was the approach he took. He sent me flowers a couple times, would try and start a civil conversation with me if he found me reading in the garden, or would go out of his way to find me in the day just to say "hello". The last bit usually happened in the evening since he was busy teaching Creativity and Instrument Instruction classes. (I was shocked when I found out he actually had a day job there.)

When Kris heard what Tashir was up to, he made every available effort to be around me so as to ward off my offending pursuer. In a way it was kinda nice to have two men so blatantly fighting over me and my selfish, vain side would preen uncontrollably. But more often than not it drove me mad.

One early fall morning, just after my year in Valdemar anniversary, I received a most unexpected piece of mail. Kris had started to drag my butt out of bed at an ungodly hour for a morning ride a few weeks back and we were just returning for breakfast. Well, _Kris_ intended for us to go to breakfast as he preferred to eat with the Heralds than the Court. _I_ was in half a mind to say screw it and go back to bed for a couple hours. A morning person, I am not.

Anyway, we reached my door and Kris was ever the gentleman and opened it for me as I attempted and failed to stifle a yawn. I threw my cloak over my desk chair and went for a glass of water (was it possible for me to somehow change it into orange juice?) when Kris held up a rolled piece of parchment.

"This was on the desk," he said, handing me the note.

"Who the hell's sending me mail this early in the morning?" I yawned, earning a laugh from Kris. "Hey, it's your fault I'm still tired. How did I let you talk me into these again?"

_:You mean you don't like watching the sunrise with me? But I thought you loved me?:_ Shay mock pouted.

"Shut up, Mr. Ed. Sunrise, no. Sun_set_, yes because it's prettier. It brings out the blue in your eyes," I said to her aloud causing Kris to laugh again. He was used to me telling Shay off out loud instead of via Mindspeech.

_:I thought I asked you not to call me that. Anyway, open it. I want to know who it's from.:_

_:You just want fodder for gossip.: _I snorted mentally. She blew a mental raspberry at me. I didn't know Companions could do that.

"So who's it from?" Kris asked curiously.

"Well, let's find out."

I opened the note and was met with and elaborate and beautifully scrawled poem. The further down the page I read, the more my jaw dropped and eyes bugged out of their sockets. It was a love poem, and there was only one person who had the balls big enough to write something like that. It was sweet without being "clean up in aisle 7" sappy and, dare I say, seemed genuine in meaning. Neverthless, I was floored.

_:Oh Jennifer. He's…:_

_:Outdone himself?:_

_:Most definitely, yes.:_

"What is it? May I read it?" Kris asked worriedly. I handed him the poem and shook my head in disbelief. I'd been pretty well ignoring Tashir for ages. I didn't acknowledge the flowers (though I did keep them; they were pretty), I'd pretend he wasn't there most of the time in the hall and would walk away from him in the gardens. This was obviously a last ditch effort on his part to get my attention. Well it worked, but not in the way Tashir thought.

"Bloody hell! I'll kill him!" roared Kris. His eyes had bugged out as much as mine as he read the poem and his face showed he was _livid. _"I've lost count how many times you've told him to leave you alone and he refuses to listen! This is harassment and Jennifer, you do _not_ have to put up with it! I'll talk to the Dean of Bardic and…"

"Kris!" I yelled and snapped my fingers in front of his face to get his attention before he could continue on that tangent. "No, you're not. I appreciate the spaz out on my behalf but it's my problem, not yours. I'll deal with it," I stated calmly. The idea I had forming in my head was slightly evil and I knew Shay would hate it, but I thought it was _too good_ to pass up.

"No, Jennifer, you will not deal with this! You've been letting him do whatever he pleases and one day…" Kris stopped his tirade as I gave him an icy glare.

"Do you want me to yell at you?"

"No. I apologize. I went too far."

"Yes, you did, and apology accepted. Now dude, I don't care if you're fuckin' Gandhi, Tashir is my problem and this is what I'm going to do about it."

I had to explain who Gandhi was first, then I let him in on my developing plot. When I was done the look Kris gave me let me know he saw me in a whole new light. What really made me proud was I couldn't tell if it was a small amount of disgust or admiration that was shining in his eyes.

"Oh that's mean," he said in awe.

I just shrugged as I felt an evil grin slide into place. "Just a small dose of his own medicine via the immortal words of Pat Benatar. It'll be interesting to see how he responds, no?"

Kris sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "What is that phrase I've heard you use before? 'You have gone hads the size of Koka nuts?'"

I laughed my specialized 'ultimate evil villain' laugh. "The word's 'gonads'. I have gonads the size of coconuts."

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When I saw Trine at lunch (he was assigned to teaching detail for a while), I showed him the poem and told him my plan, knowing he'd get a kick out of it. Sure enough, he gave a roaring laugh which made me grin even wider than I had that morning. The more I thought about the plan, the more I liked it.

"Hells Bells, you are one vindictive bitch! I'll have to remember not to make you mad. As if being mage Gifted wasn't incentive enough!" Trine laughed.

I smiled wickedly at his words. "Ya know, it's _really_ not that evil. If I wanted to I _could_ make it a lot worse. However, I'm feeling charitable today and I kinda wanna see how this plays out. Tashir's not _quite_ getting as good as he's given, but close enough I say."

Trine gave another hearty laugh and reached for another large chunk of bread. "Jenn, if all Americans are like you, I never want to see your country. Because sometimes you're scary as hell."

"You think I'm scary?" I scoffed. "Dude, I'm the least of your worries. If you're gonna fear Americans, be scared of Congress."

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That evening when I finally had some time to myself, I sat down at my desk and pulled out some stationary I'd found in the city the last time I went out. It had cost me a pretty penny, a couple weeks' stipend, but the powder blue paper with silver embossing was worth it. The store keeper had told me it was a new style and he'd only sold a few sets, so I had little doubt Tashir would know who sent it. As if the contents of the response wouldn't be clue enough.

_I've always wanted to do something like this but never had the chance. First time for everything,_ I thought to myself.

_:As I'm sure you're aware, I by no means condone this childish behavior.:_ Shay said tartly.

"Yes, I know you don't. You think I should give him a chance," I replied back.

_"I've been telling you that for how long and you still haven't listened?:_

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it you who told me to stay away from Tashir in the first place?"

_:Chosen, is using Mindspeech really that uncomfortable after so long?:_

"Don't change the subject, Shayna."

_:Yes, I did, but that was _before_ he stopped chasing every skirt in the Palace to focus solely on you for half a year. I've answered yours, now will you answer mine?:_

_:Honey, talkin' to you in my head is one thing I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to.:_

_:You'll never know unless you try, hmm?:_ she harrumphed and blocked me out completely.

"And she doesn't approve of _my_ behavior. Pot, kettle, black," I muttered under my breath. I turned my attention back to the stationary and smirked. I could hear the words clearly, as if I had turned on a radio in my room. Picking up my pen and dipping it in the ink, I began to write.

_Well you're a real tough cookie with a long history  
Of breaking little hearts like the one in me  
That's okay, let's see how ya do it  
Put up your dukes, let's get down to it_

_Hit me with your best shot  
Why don't you hit me with your best shot  
Hit me with your best shot, fire away_

_You come on with a come-on, you don't fight fair  
That's okay, see if I care  
Knock me down, it's all in vain  
I'll get back on my feet again_

_Hit me with your best shot  
Why don't you hit me with your best shot  
Hit me with your best shot, fire away_

_You're a real tough cookie with a long history  
Of breaking little hearts like the one in me  
Before I put another notch in my lipstick case  
You better make sure you put me in my place_

_Hit me with your best shot  
Hit me with your best shot  
Why don't you hit me with your best shot, fire away  
_

_Now Tashir, did you really think poetry would win me over so easily?_

I leaned back in my chair and looked the words over. I always thought Pat Benatar was one of the few great things to come out of the 80's, aside from the cartoon _Jem_ and Molly Ringwald, and I was pleased I was getting the chance to spread my love of her to someone who could appreciate her as a musician.

I rolled the paper and tied it off, then went in search of a page to take it to Bardic. It didn't take me long, and as I crawled into bed not too long after I did feel some guilt about what I wrote. I wasn't a mean person, but I don't do poetry. So Tashir's attempt at flattery was just that: flat. _Oh well, I'll see what happens in the morning._

* * *

**A/N: ** I've been wanting to use a song to speak for Jennifer for a while now, and I love how "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" fit perfectly here. So how do y'all think Tashir will react? Leave a review and then continue on to find out! 


	8. Late Night Conversations

**_Disclaimer:_** It's really early in the morning and I'm running out of witty things to say. Mercedes Lackey owns 99 percent of this, I'm just playing with some of my own characters in her world.

_Ch. 8: Late Night Conversations_

The next day I received no reply from Tashir to my little message. Was it too good to be true? He'd finally taken the hint after I'd all but shoved it up his ass 'til it came out his nose? Or had he just not gotten around to it yet? Unlucky for me, it was the latter.

A while back I had found a small fiction section of the Heraldic library on the third floor. From the asking around I did, it was the equivalent of the _New York Times Bestseller_ section and I was gradually working my way through it. I'd had a rough day with Elspeth and Darkwind running me through some defensive exercises and then getting my ass handed to me in weapons practice, so I needed some book chill time. I loved to read and had precious little time to do so anymore.

I was curled up in one of the comfy chairs in front of a fireplace reading a story that sounded similar to _Tom Sawyer_ when the book was yanked from my hands. I yelped in surprise and disgust as I was getting to a really good part; how dare someone deprive me of a good book! I looked up to see who had the tenacity to rip a book from my hands, and felt the blood drain rapidly from my face. _Oh shit._ _I'm in trouble now. _

To say Tashir was furious and livid was an understatement. His features and stance indicated he could take on Godzilla, Mothra, _and_ Chuck Norris and win just by the sheer force of his rage. He thumped the book down on the table next to me, grabbed my arm and flung me over his shoulder, carrying me out of the room. Down the stairs we went to the first floor classrooms, with me yelling the whole time to be put down and being completely ignored.

Tashir opened the door to the first room we came to, closed it with his foot, and placed me down on a desk. It was a full moon that night with enough light flooding through the windows for him to see where he put me. Tashir then stood right in front of me, arms crossed. We stayed like that for a few moments while I got over the shock of what he'd done. _Jesus Christ! He literally threw me over his shoulder and carried me off! Oh yeah, I'm dead. _

"What, in the Twelve Hells, is this?" he asked in a deathly calm tone, brandishing a familiar piece of blue paper he'd taken from his pocket.

"My reply to your poem," I said honestly. I may be a smart-ass, but I do know when a smart mouthed comment is going too far. This was one of those times.

"Are you fey?" he asked without missing a beat.

_"What?!"_

"Are you fey?" he repeated slowly. "_Shaych, she'chorne, _prefer the romantic company of women? Because your actions towards me these last few moon turns have me thinking you are. Why else would you refuse my advances when every other woman in the complex would have given in ages ago?" Tashir's voice was growing louder with every word allowing his frustration with me to show. He was proving to be a real piece of work.

"Okay, hold up. So you think just because I don't fit your cookie cutter notion of how a woman should act around you, I'm automatically a lesbo? Wow," I replied in utter disbelief. I didn't know what else to say. I knew Tashir had one hell of an over-inflated ego, but I had no idea it was this bad.

"Yes, or no, Jennifer," he responded angrily.

"No, I'm not."

"In America, are men restricted from courting a woman until she reaches a certain age?" was his next question.

"Technically, yes, but it depends on a few external factors, like the maturity of the girl and guy and if both sets of parents are okay with it. And if your next question is 'am I considered old enough', yes; I have for a few years now," I replied calmly. I was getting irritated with the cross-examination but I'd be damned if I was going to say anything about it.

"Then please _explain yourself by this!_" Tashir roared, making me jump as he threw the paper on the desk beside me.

"Will you please stop yelling at me first?" I requested as I reached up and touched my dragon necklace. I could feel my courage waning a little.

"NO! You have been just as rude to me in the past when all I've wanted is a simple conversation, so I feel it is long overdue for someone to be rude to you! (_Point one in his favor.)_ Hiding behind a yellow uniform and the Heir will not protect you forever. Now explain what you meant by this!" Tashir yelled again, pointing at the note.

I gulped. "It's a small taste of your own medicine. From almost the moment I entered the Collegium I've heard nothing but how you'd chase and catch anything in a skirt. I refuse to be that next skirt and _have_ been sort of relishing denying you victory. It takes more than a few sweet words to win me over," I stated simply.

Tashir didn't say anything for a few minutes as he was clearly trying to come up with some answer. We both knew the other was right: I was overdue for a bitching out and he was too much of a player. We were both used to getting what we wanted and were pissed we weren't getting it. Tashir and I were two of a kind, that was for sure.

Where his face had been taunt with rage moments before, it was now relaxed, almost weary. His shoulders slumped and arms fell limply at his side. Tashir hung his head for a few moments before turning his eyes back to me, now with such a doleful expression pouring out of them I felt my heart lurch in sympathy. Tashir's next words, however, damn near knocked me off the desk I was still sitting on.

"Then what do I have to do in order _to_ win you? This spring when we ran into each other in the garden, I saw a breath-taking young woman so frightened by her surroundings she couldn't think straight. I _know_," he said staring deep in my eyes, "you are a bold, stubborn, fiercely independent woman who thinks she can carry the weight of the world on her own. And I admire you more than you will ever know.

"But that day in the gardens I saw _you_, the real you who is hiding deep beneath so many walls you're afraid to show yourself. You are loud, sarcastic, and have a demon-may-care attitude, but it's also a mask to avoid showing how vulnerable and helpless you feel. How do I get to know the woman who doesn't want to be seen as a Herald or Mage trainee or as from some far off land, but just as herself? The woman who only wants someone to find her when she's lost and say everything will be alright?"

I was stunned speechless. I felt as if a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped over me and the air had been sucked from the room. As Tashir's words sunk in, I realized for the first time how true they were. I knew Selenay, Daren, Elspeth, Nia, Kris, and everyone meant well and wanted me to feel comfortable, but there was no denying they all saw someone other than me: a victim and even possibly a threat, an incredibly powerful Adept-status Mage, a constant patient, someone who had to be sheltered and protected.

Tashir apparently saw different. He thought I was capable of taking care of myself. After all, what had I essentially been doing the past year? I had quickly shown (most) people even thought my situation was out of my hands, I was trying to make the best of it and I would be okay. Tashir seemed more concerned with what I _wasn't _allowing others to see, which was how homesick, lonely, and lost I truly felt. Somehow in that one afternoon, he saw through me as if I were made of glass.

When I finally spoke, I was holding back tears I hadn't realized were close to surfacing.

"You say I'm lost. Well you're right, I am lost. I have Shayna, yes, but sometimes it's like I'm staring at her from across a huge black canyon and I don't know how to make a bridge. I'm aware I need someone to help guide me, but I don't think that person is you." Tashir was taken aback by my sudden honesty and bluntness, but he stayed silent and so I continued.

"I can see you're trying, and believe me, that speaks volumes. But it's not enough. The person who guides me has to be stable and be there for the long haul. And with your reputation of flitting from one girl to another, I don't think you can do that."

Tashir looked as if I had punched him in the gut. "But you're not letting me try. I want to show you I _can_ be that person, that I can be there for you," he insisted. Tashir had closed the small gap between us and rested his hands on mine, his eyes one again boring into my soul.

"Yet every time you try I can't help but get the feeling you have an ulterior motive," I said quietly. _Why does my heart feel like it's about to break?_

"At one time I did, I admit, but not now," Tashir pleaded fervently. "Yes, at one point you were just another girl, one I thought I could take advantage of. But now I only want to know how one woman can be so confident and strong, yet at the same time so insecure and fragile. I just want to know you."

I broke eye contact by closing mine and sighed. Part of me believed him without constraint, but the other half was screaming bloody murder. I wanted to trust him, but should I run the risk of having my pride shattered by some womanizing ass?

"I'll have to think about it, okay? This isn't a decision I can make lightly," I said sadly, noticing how completely Tashir's eyes were communicating the truth of his heart. He really meant everything he'd said.

He smiled weakly. "Please do, my Dragonheart," he whispered, lightly touching my pendant, eyes never leaving mine. "I am on my knees, _begging_ you for a chance." I only nodded.

Tashir smiled a bit more warmly before placing a light kiss on my forehead. He left quickly, leaving me alone in the moonlit room. I sat there a few minutes to regain my composure, then left the building and went looking for Shay.

She was on her way to me and I flung my arms around her neck, burying my face in her mane in effort to stop the tears.

_:Chosen, are you going to be alright?:_ Shayna asked hesitantly.

_:I don't know. I didn't know he felt that strongly. Part of me wants to trust him, but part of me is screaming "_Hell no!"_ Shayna, what should I do?:_

_:I don't know what to tell you. He came down to talk to me this afternoon and told me exactly what he told you now. Tashir means it with all his heart, Love, but you have to decide to let him in. I don't feel he will deliberately hurt you, but because of his history he may.:_

_:Why me? Why did I have to become the heroine in the fantasy story of some deranged fan-girl with way too much time on her hands? This kind of shit doesn't happen in real life, so why did it have to be me?:_ I mentally sobbed.

_:You came here for a reason though we have no idea what it is yet. Hopefully someday we'll know the answer. But I Chose you because even though you _are_ petrified and feel alone, you have a strength unequaled by many and a determination not to fail. Do you know how many of the Heralds, Healers, and even some courtiers admire and respect you? Everyday you surpass expectations, Sweetone. You should be proud you've come so far.:_ Shay's words were like a balm on a burning wound.

We sat down in the damp grass as I cried myself into exhaustion. I was tired of trying to carry all the weight of my worries on my own. Shayna was a much needed outlet, but a person needs human compassion as well. I could seek it from Nia and Trine, and depending on the matter, Kris. But maybe I did want something more. Maybe I was more ready than I realized to take a relationship one step further. Question was, could Tashir prove his worth?

* * *

**  
**


	9. And The Plot Thickens

_**Disclaimer:** _Last night I had a dream I was an ax-murderer and went on a killing spree, but I refuse to write a book about it. Mercedes Lackey had a dream about Valdemar and did write a book about it. Several in fact. But since she had the dream and I didn't, the world and characters in it belong to her. Most of the characters in this particular story, however, belong to me.

**A/N:** A couple days before Christmas I finally found a copy of _The Valdemar Companion_ and picked it up for myself, and while reading through it I found that the Mage trainees wear yellow uniforms, not gray like the Heralds. So that little editing problem should be fixed now, and if no one noticed it before, just continue to ignore it. Anywho, here's Ch. 9, and there will be more of an all-encompassing plot starting to form shortly.

_Ch. 9: And The Plot Thickens…_

I thought long and hard for a few days, weighing the pros and cons of the choice I now had to make. If I agreed to let Tashir close to me it would have to be as a friend first and then build my trust up from there. If he rose to the challenge and I found I actually was attracted to him, then _maybe_ I would consider taking the relationship further. But if he failed, I would go down as another unofficial notch in his bedpost. Not a tantalizing option.

I didn't dare tell Kris. Not yet anyway because he'd freak out and then I'd have an even bigger problem of the Heir committing murder. And since I already knew what Shayna thought, the next place to go for valued confidence was Nia and Trine. Oh, how wrong I was.

Trine thought the whole thing was funny as hell and as for Nia (who had been briefed by Trine on current events), well, hopeless romantic didn't even begin to describe her. Bring up the subject and she'd damn near crap candied hearts.

A couple nights after Tashir and I had talked, the three of us were holed up in Trine's room as it was the biggest. I had been trying to get their input on what I should do, but they thought it was funnier to laugh at me. Happy, I was not.

"Ha!" Trine laughed exuberantly. "It's finally official! You have the Heir and Bardic Bed Saint after your tail and before long you're going to be wedded to either one of them."

"Whoa, back up a sec, what's official? I haven't made a decision over Tashir yet and I only suspect Kris has more than a friendly interest in me. For all _you_ know," I said jabbing a finger at him from my place on a cushion on the floor, "Kris's actions could be nothing more than that of an over-protective big brother. Hell, with one married and the other on circuit all the time, it's not like he's got anyone else to fuss over."

Trine was sitting in a chair by the fire and gave me a look that begged me to be serious.

"Jenn, all the blind on the southern-most border of Seejay can see Kris is attracted to you and has been since you showed up. And when His Highness finds out about your little talk with Tashir, it wouldn't surprise me if they end up at dagger points over you."

"Jennifer, this is just like something out of a Bardic tale!" Nia chimed in from her place on the couch. "It's _sooo_ romantic! I really don't see what you're complaining about. Any normal girl here would do anything to have Kris and Tashir fawning over them. I wish it was me," she sighed theatrically, placing a hand on her chest. I rolled my eyes as Trine snickered.

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence on the normal part," I shot back disgustedly. "This isn't some character in a fairy tale we're talking about here, it's me. How am I supposed to handle this shit? I haven't had any time to really sit back and absorb everything because it's been one thing after another," I said snapping my fingers for emphasis. "And _you _can stop laughing like an idiot over there!" I cried and threw my pillow at Trine, who started laughing hysterically.

He caught it deftly and grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Nia, do you hear an echo?"

"Why, yes I do. It's faint, but I can certainly hear it," said Nia as she matched Trine's grin. I glared back at them in turn.

Nia shook her head, still laughing. "Jenn, darling, you've been saying the same thing for months, 'I'm not used to this!'. Well, you better start getting used to it because you know Tashir won't give up without a fight and Kris will be waiting to sweep you up and away the first chance he gets."

"And regardless of what you think, it _is_ funny listening to you bellyache," Trine added with a superior smirk. "I may not know you as well as Nia, but I do know under that Ice Queen exterior is a person who finds this whole situation horribly amusing. And I'll call your bluff if you say I'm wrong."

"I know, I sound like a broken record, but damn it all to hell," I moaned as I placed my head in my hands.

Nia removed herself from the couch, joining me on the floor and placed an arm around my shoulders. "My dear, you need to relax. Or as you'd say, chill out. We understand your dilemma but you're acting like it's the end of the world and it's not. Yes, this is a big decision but fretting over it will not help. So calm down before you worry yourself sick and I have to take care of you again."

She thought for a moment more and added, "Honest opinion, give Tashir a chance. He may very well do you some good. And I've known the fool sitting in that chair far too long to know he thinks the same as I." I looked to Trine to see him nodding in agreement.

"Wish Gregg and Shannon were here," I sighed dejectedly.

"Who are they?" Nia asked after a pause.

"My older brother and best friend. Gregg would chase off the boys and I could commiserate with Shannon over it all." I thought for a moment and changed my mind. "On second thought, scratch Shannon. She'd be laughing at my ass along with you two." This was the first time Trine had heard me talk of anyone specific from Home, and the first Nia had since a year ago at Court. Surprisingly, the mention of my brother and friend didn't bring the soul-crushing hurt I'd expected. It ached painfully, but it was progress.

"You just took a very large step forward, you know," Nia said smiling. I nodded slightly.

"Thank the Gods," Trine said matter of factly. "At this rate we'll learn everything about you in…50 years." He looked to the ceiling and called pleadingly, "Gods, please give us the strength to put up with her for that long. Or at _least_ get her to let someone into her bed, because she desperately needs to have a man between her legs."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later I'd made my decision. The morning I decided it felt as if a thousand layers had been peeled away from me, leaving me fully exposed for the first time. When I'd gone to Court almost a year before, I had been trying to act much more confidently than I felt. This time, however, was different because I was laying it all out on the line.

I had a free hour before going to weapons practice so I decided to attempt to catch Tashir in between his classes then. That way I knew the encounter would have to be kept short so we both wouldn't be late for our next appointments. The last thing I wanted was to drag it out in front of a butt-load of Bards who would no doubt seize the chance to write twenty million songs or poems about it.

Like the Heraldic and Mage Collegiums, the first floor of Bardic was entirely classrooms, so all I had to do was wait in the hall and try not to look too out of place in my yellow uniform. After saying 'hello' to a couple of the Bardic students I knew, I spotted Tashir walking towards me, reading over something and concentrating hard.

"Hey," I called when he was within hearing distance.

Tashir and a couple others looked around to see who had called before his eyes landed on me. He broke into a genuine smile and continued toward me. "Heyla to you as well. This is an unexpected surprise. May I ask what brings you to the lair of poets and song-singers?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled a little which caused Tashir to smile wider and stand a little straighter. I took a breath, crossed my arms, and said it.

"Okay."

"Okay?" he repeated in confusion a moment later.

"Alright."

Tashir stared at me for a few seconds before he got what I was saying. "Alright! Alright! Gods, she said 'Alright'," the last one more to himself than me. I was trying not to grin with amusement so I settled for a small smile.

"Jennifer, are you sure? If I seemed forceful the other night, please let me assure you it was never my intention to push you into a decision," he asked slightly on edge.

"Honestly, not really, but how am I really going to know unless I give you a shot? All I ask is you don't make me regret it," I responded softly. Tashir still looked a little doubtful, so for the first time, I exercised a little of my Projective Empathy to let him see I did mean it.

Again, it took him a moment to realize what I was doing, but when Tashir did the look on his face was priceless. He placed my hands over his heart, covering mine in his, allowing me to feel his heart rate quicken. "Never," he whispered.

Moments later I was heading towards the Salle and feeling rather out of breath. It wasn't so much the chilly weather and I sure as hell wasn't out of shape anymore, but I couldn't help but feel as if Tashir had sucked all the air out of my lungs. Then a question that scared the crap out of me popped into mind.

_:Shayna, please tell me there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that Tashir and I are Lifebonded.:_

_:No, if you two were, you'd both be a mess. You especially would be in worse condition.:_

_:I'm not that bad anymore, am I?:_

_:No, except for when you're claiming you're still not used to something, which is quite often.:_

_:Horse.:_

_:Sexually frustrated human.:_

_"SHAYNA!!!_" I screamed.

_:In those books you read about us, didn't they mention the signs of a Lifebonding?:_ she asked innocently and changing the subject. I decided to let her comment slide. For now.

_:Yeah, they did, but I don't really remember what was said.:_

_:Rest assured the connection between you and Tashir is not one. It is well on its way to becoming a love-bond on his part, and I'm wondering if possibly for you as well.:_

_:Well, that's what I'm giving him a chance for, right? To figure that out.:_

_:So you admit you may feel something for him?:_

"The hell if I know."

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"Come in," I responded to a knock on my door later that night. I was trying to finish my latest round of Valdemaran math when Kris rushed in, nearly slammed the door shut and locked it. He all but ran to the side of my bed nearest the far wall and ducked. I watched all this in shocked confusion.

"Hide me," was all he said.

"Kris...what the hell?"

"If someone comes looking for me, I'm not here."

"Dude, seriously, what the hell?" I asked while looking down at him from my place on my bed. Kris had curled himself into a ball and was trying his damnedest to press his body into the stone wall. "I know you've had Council sessions virtually non-stop this whole week, but if you're acting like this as soon as you pass through those doors, somethin' ain't right. So what the hell's got you crappin' your pants?"

"Everything. I'm sick of attending the meetings and having nothing really accomplished. I'm tired of talking politics, and right now I would love to do nothing more than rip Lord Alastor's face off and feed it to him," Kris exclaimed. "So I came here knowing I would get a good dose of none of that and normalcy."

"The first I can give, but the second…" I trailed off and scoffed. "So Alastor's pissing you off too, huh? I forgot the crotchety old bastard made Council."

"He did. Now he and the Ambassador from Hardorn are trying to pressure the Council into sending troops to their eastern border in attempt to prevent…oh hell! I shouldn't have told you that!" Kris then started banging his head against his knees in frustration.

"The remains of the Eastern Empire trying to start something again, huh?" I asked calmly.

"I guess you'll find out sooner or later, so why not now. Yes, Emperor Melles's army has been sitting at Hardorn's border for some time. They're not doing _anything_, just sitting. Hardorn has no idea what to make of it as the border's been silent for years, but the size of the army present there right now almost looks like an invading force."

"So Melles is gonna try and absorb Hardorn into the empire again, and probably take out his ol' army buddy in the process? Joy," I said.

"And the Ambassador is asking for Mages."

"Ah."

"Before you get too worried, it doesn't look like Mother is going to do anything for some time. We all recognize the threat the Empire poses but until they make a move we really can't do anything," Kris told me bracingly. "Ambassador Karal said Solaris has already sent some aid to the border, as has Iftel, but we are the only ones who haven't. I don't know how much my sister and Darkwind will tell you and the other Mage students, but try to act surprised when they do, alright? I wasn't supposed to tell."

I laughed a little. "Right now I'd say it's a pretty safe bet I'll forget in a day or two. That's one thing I know I can put out of mind right now."

"Yes, forget about it! No more talk of politics, I want to hear about you," he said as he fixed me with the _look_ that let me know he wasn't happy with me. _Gulp. And now the shit hits the fan._

"Is it true?" Kris asked.

"I'm giving him an inch. Tashir's got to earn the rest."

"Damn it, Jennifer, that's all he's going to need to break you! I don't know what he said to swing you over to him but I'm telling you it's a mistake!" Kris was on his feet now, pacing. "What did he tell you for that matter?"

"He called my bluff. He said he knew part of the face I show around here is real, but it's also a mask to keep people at a distance. And he was right."

"Did Shayna put you up to this?"

"No, but she does support it."

"And you're listening to her?!"

"You listen to Jays, right?" Kris threw his hands up in defeat.

"I assume you asked Nia and Trine about it, so why didn't you ask me?" he inquired wearily.

I sighed in exasperation. "Kris, this is the first time I've seen you all week because the Council _finally_ decided to cough your ass up, so when was I supposed to ask you? Plus I already knew the answer would be a 'No, Hell No, and _Hell No!'_ Obviously I was right because you're standing there having a cow. If you listen close you may hear a 'Moo'."

"Damn it, Jenn! For once be serious!"

"I am!" I was on my feet now too, glaring at him with the same ferocity he was yelling at me. At 5"6', I'm not an imposing height compared to Kris's 6-foot frame, but I noticed he backed up a little. _Well what do ya know, I scare him._

"I know you're trying to look out for me but it's getting a little tiring. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. I'm giving Tashir one shot, just one, and if he screws up then I'm kicking his ass into next year, okay? I'll even let you help. Now maybe I am finally cracking to his persistence and I'll end up hurt like all the rest, but the School of Hard Knocks is a better teacher than sitting back and letting others shelter you, isn't it? So I'm gonna find out."

Kris stood eyeing me for what felt like minutes, as if he was trying to read my soul. I didn't need to Show him I was serious 'cause he knew; it was more like he was trying to decide something for himself. Kris then did the unexpected.

He grasped the sides of my face lightly and pulled me close for a kiss. I was overcome with a flood of emotions: longing, desire, and yes, love, and felt myself weaken a little as he deepened it. His lips expertly parted mine, allowing just a hint of our tongues to meet. Kris was by no means forceful. The feelings he Sent me showed he wanted nothing more than to continue like that forever.

He pulled away, leaving only millimeters between us and I was left breathless. I couldn't even string together a coherent thought. I opened my eyes, which I hadn't been aware I'd closed, to meet his brown. They were so full of love, so full of hope, and his words echoed.

"It's no secret I'm in love with you and have been for sometime. I hoped by now you would be able to return it, but it seems I'll have to wait a little longer. You've told me before how much of a cliché you feel your life has become: the presence of Royalty, being a girl from some other world, the feeling there's a prophesy or task only you can fulfill or perform, magic and talking animals. But for once, can't you let fantasy become your reality?" Kris whispered against my lips before briefly taking them in his again.

"But if you feel you need to give Tashir a chance first, then know I will be there to catch you when he does tire of you." He gave me one last long, lingering kiss before departing. As if on cue, when the door closed my knees gave out and I thumped on the bed.

"Shay…" I said aloud. All I got in response was a wordless sensation of incredible shock and pleasant surprise. She obviously didn't expect Kris to kiss me either.

I lay back on my bed, homework long since forgotten, and stared blankly at the ceiling. A few moments later I said the only thing seemingly appropriate: "Jesus Tap-dancing Christ."


	10. Hey Teach, Look What I Can Do!

_**Disclaimer: **_I started writing this because it was a way to procrastinate from studying and because I read the "Heralds of Valdemar" series by Mercedes Lackey too much. I have no life and no money. I'm a rather sad excuse for a human. :(

**A/N:** Happy New Year, everyone! Hopefully none of you suffered/are suffering from hangovers too bad and had a good time. This chapter you may need to be a little on the sober side for because I actually tired my hand at writing about MAGIC! That's right people, all the talk about Jennifer being a mage and now I finally do something with it. 'Bout damn time. And with that, let the reading begin!  
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_Ch. 10: Hey Teach, Look What I Can Do!_

Within the next few weeks word about the actions of the Eastern Empire had started to leak out. The spies King Tremane had within the Empire said men from all over were being amassed in the central capital, but either nobody knew why, or they weren't telling. Rumor was the force that was within site of the Hardorn border was just the tip of the iceberg, which didn't bode well. The border with Hardorn was long and the Empire had far more resources to draw on. Things out there were starting to get dicey.

Yet because nothing was happening and information was sketchy at best, the countries in the Alliance could only sit, watch, and wait. There was still a call for mages and many were being sent out, including the gryphon twins Jerven and Lytha. I wasn't anywhere near ready for combat according to Elspeth and Darkwind, though I would certainly be needed since my Gift was so strong, my training sessions were doubled and lengthened so I could be ready ASAP. Unfortunately that left little time for friends anymore.

I was able to score an hour with Kris three days after our last argument and we hashed things out. He didn't apologize for what he said or for kissing me, and I didn't expect him too. Kris never lied to me (but the bastard wasn't above omitting certain_ royal_ truths), and even when he stuck his foot in it his words were true. But I made it clear to him that while I did love him, it was in a brother/sister fashion and nothing more.

Things with Tashir, however, were progressing. I wasn't fully sure if giving him an inch was a good idea, but so far it was okay. All we had done (or had time for on my part) was to sit and talk. Either he would join me for an evening ride with Shayna (and she'd amazingly include him in the conversations) when I had the energy, or we'd talk in his rooms in Bardic. Tashir's reason was if I felt too uncomfortable with a topic I could leave anytime and not have my personal space threatened. Fine by me.

Tashir would ask me all sorts of things: what life was like in the States and how it compared to Valdemar, questions about culture, history, music, tv shows and movies, yet nothing ever personal. Trine and Nia had tried to ask questions from time to time but I could never bring myself to answer them. Yet when Tashir did I wasn't hesitant in the slightest in giving up the information. For some reason around him, it was okay.

The more the two of us talked, the more I found myself liking the guy. Okay, so he was still arrogant and had one hell of an ego problem, but he wasn't that bad. Daresay, pretty likeable. We had some similar interests for what it was worth and he was an excellent conversationalist. I also discovered that while there might be an intellectual attraction emerging, there was most _definitely_ a physical one brewing. Tashir couldn't help it. He was smokin' hot and bending over backwards to impress me.

But I had more pressing matters. As the most powerful mage Valdemar had at the moment, it was imperative to get me up to snuff and prepared for a possible war. That meant training up the wazoo.

One day around mid-January during my second year in Valdemar I was equally dreading and excited about my impending workroom session. Treyvan would be joining Darkwind and I for extra concert work because I was having problems linking with some of the other mage students in the main class with Hydona. I'd never worked with Treyvan, just his mate, so I was nervous about that. But I also had a surprise that was gonna get me yelled at for sure.

I knocked twice on the door of the largest workroom and entered, but the first thing I saw was Treyvan and I gave a sudden yelp.

"Sorry, man. One of these days you'd think I'd get used to seeing you," I apologized with remorse. Even though everyone in the complex knew the Gryphons were harmless, they still either startled or scared the crap out of people by their sheer size.

Treyvan parted his beak in a gryphonic smile and laughed. "You werrre warrrned I would be herre and yet you werrre ssstill ssstartled. And I am told my mind isss not asss sssharrp asss it once wasss due to age." His retort was good humored and was one of the things I really loved about him and Hydona. I could back talk to them as much as I did with Trine.

"Oh, stow it, bird brain. I know you get a perverse pleasure out of seeing me scream. I still think the reason you scared me the first time we met was deliberate, swooping down in front of Kris and I screeching your head off. I'd never seen a gryphon before so what else was I supposed to scream besides "Holy shit!" I shot back with a smile.

"It isss not my fault yourrr people do not have birrrdsss orrr otherrr crrreaturrresss asss beautiful orrr magnificent asss Grrryphonsss. You have learrrned the conceptsss of magic well enough ssso I ssshould be no different."

"Well I'm sorry if the only bird my mind allows to be as big as you is taller, yellow, and lives on Sesame Street."

Darkwind chimed in with a small laugh before Treyvan could say anything else. "That is enough you two, we need to get to work. You can banter all you want afterwards."

An hour and a half later I was beat. I knew Treyvan was a tough teacher and so was Darkwind, but those two together was no picnic. By the end of the exercise we had ironed out my issues for the most part; the rest would be practice. I felt exhausted but not enough to put off the showing of my new parlor trick.

"Before we go, I've got something to show you guys, if that's okay?" I asked nervously.

"Of course, though I am not sure what you would be able to show us," Darkwind replied with a hint of arrogance seeping into his voice.

I felt a little hot under the collar at his response but quickly calmed. _Chill out, he didn't mean it like that. Remember in the books Elspeth would have to chew his ass about it when they first met. Old habits die hard, I guess. _"Well, I think I learned a new trick and was wondering if you guys had heard of anything like it before. I never came across it when I read the Books so as far as _I_ know nobody has ever done it before, but then again I'm still new at this and could be blowing smoke out my ass."

Treyvan tilled his head sideways and his eyes gleamed with interest. "A new trrrick, you sssay. Interrresssting."

"Alright. Explain," Darkwind replied curiously, crossing his arms over his chest.

I nodded and took a deep breath. _They are so gonna kill me._

"Ok, first off, I know I shouldn't have done this without the supervision of a mage. Shay has already yelled at me for it and I fully expect to receive an ear-full. But a couple weeks ago I got to talking with Dirk about what substances were the most difficult to burn, and this somehow got me thinking about physical shields. Now I know pretty much anything with substance can be burned, with the exceptions of water and air, but the proverbial light bulb turned on.

"I started to think: as mages, we can project our energy into different kinds of physical shields to protect us from an attack. And because a physical shield does in a sense have substance and is thus made of matter, then is it possible to burn? So Dirk and I got to playing around a little bit and discovered I _could._ I can burn physical shields."

Treyvan and Darkwind said nothing for what felt like an eternity. Darkwind had sat down on the wooden stool in a corner earlier, which was good, because he looked about ready to pass out. Treyvan just sat on his haunches and gaped at me. It was he who finally broke the silence.

"You can do _what?!_"

I bit my lip and looked down at the stone floor before answering. "Yeah. Apparently I can quite literally burn energy," I said hesitantly. "And I'm gonna assume by the looks on your faces this is a new concept to ya." I got nothing but silence from both of them.

"Wanna see?"

"Please," they said in unison.

"Okay, umm, outside would be safer. Just to be sure, if you don't mind." They agreed and we left the room for the courtyard outside. Though there was snow on the ground it didn't feel that cold which was good. I'd need all my concentration for this and the cold would be an extra hazard.

I explained the process and began. I quickly made four snowballs and cast a shield around them to act as a barrier. In order to prove my point I had to have proof what I was burning was the shield and the object underneath would remain unharmed. Then I cast a larger, thicker shield around _that_ one. Next I imagined the outermost shield to be as hard as possible and focused deep within it to See the tiny atoms of pure energy. Then, the trick was to treat those atoms like any other hard substance I wanted to burn, moving them as rapidly as possible and setting it alight.

The snowballs erupted into flames and the surrounding snow immediately melted from the intense heat being given out. This caused my two teachers to respectively squawk and yell. Keeping myself focused, lest I loose control, I ventured an eye to my left where they stood. Both Darkwind and Treyvan looked like someone had hit them with a sledgehammer. Mouths gapped, eyes wide, and totally stunned.

I extinguished the flames with a thought and banished the two shields. Because I was burning my own energy I was left even more drained than I had been. My knees felt a little shaky and I was a little light-headed, but otherwise I didn't feel too bad. The first couple times with Dirk I'd almost passed out.

Darkwind walked over to the snowballs and stared in wonder. They were perfectly sound, like nothing had happened, yet the brown grass underneath was visible in a wide circle. He looked over at me and asked, "You put a second shield around these and under the one you burned?"

"Yup. I can control how much of the shield I burn, how fast and hot, and keep things protected from the burning one with another layered underneath."

"And how long did you sssay you had been trrying thisss experrriment?" Treyvan inquired.

"I asked Dirk about it about three weeks ago and we tried it roughly two."

"And he agreed to let you try this, knowing full well how _dangerous_ this could have been?" Darkwind all but yelled.

"He figured I could handle it," I stated meekly. "Remember, my Firestarting Gift is insanely strong as well, probably stronger than Lavan Firestorm's was, and Dirk's the one who trained me to use it. He knows what I can and can't handle as well as me. Yes, we both knew going in it was stupid and could have been disastrous, but felt it was worth a shot."

"Jennifer, if you had lost control for even a _second_, the flames could have back lashed on you and then you would be _dead!_ You are too valuable to loose if the Eastern Empire _does _decide to invade sometime soon! This is _not something you should be playing around with!!"_ Darkwind bellowed.

I stood my ground."I know, but it could be beneficial. Say if there's a shield around a target we would need to take out, but if not even Firesong was able to breech it, then normally we'd be screwed. But if I had a crack at it, I could burn the shield and weaken it and send the flames back on the mage. Problem solved. Yes, it is very high risk, but sometimes isn't the risk worth it?" I defended and shivered. _Am I cold or is DW just really, really scary right now?_

"Come, let usss go inssside beforrre you frrreeze to death, young one and featherrrlesss ssson," Treyvan recommended irritably.

As we entered the building again I couldn't help but think I was about to be verbally ripped to shreds. Once back inside, I was. They asked me every single question they could think of, yelled at me for being stupid, and then asked more questions. I did the best I could since I didn't really understand the whys and thought it was just a way for my Mage and Firestarting Gifts to work together. I actually thought it was kinda cool.

When Darkwind and Treyvan finally let me go I was starving. Even though working magic at first was excruciatingly difficult for me, once I got past my mental blocks and started to do stuff it was _loads_ of fun. Plus it was proving to be the best diet ever. I had lost maybe close to 50 pounds in the last year, dropping from a size 14 to maybe a 6, and could eat like a pig without constraint. And with all the energy I'd used that evening, I just wanted to stuff my face.

On the way to the common room for dinner I ran into Kris, who for a change had been let loose by the Council and was eating with the rest of us. He looked whipped and brightened considerably when I hailed him. We sat in a far corner of the room as far away from others as we could, so as not to be overheard, and I quietly gave him the details of my session.

_"_You can do _WHAT?!_" he shrieked.

"_Kris! _Keep it down! But yup, sure as I'm breathing. I have a new toy."

"I don't believe it!"

"Treyvan and Darkwind didn't either until I showed them outside. I'm not sure if _they _believe it yet. But if you want other proof, ask Dirk. He's the one who helped me figure it out."

"Talia's Dirk?"

"Umm hmm. But Kris, listen to me." I lowered my voice to barely a whisper and brought my head closer to his. "Don't tell anyone yet because if things do start to escalate even more out east this could be an ace up our sleeve. The other mages are probably gonna want to see this first, so until they do, _don't say anything,_ or I'll take you out behind the shed and shoot you myself. I don't care if you are my friend and the Heir," I warned.

Kris just stared at his half finished meal and shook his head. "Jenn, whether you like it or not, with an ability like that you could be well on you're way to becoming one of the greatest Herald-Mages in history. And I don't envy you in the least. You truly are absolutely amazing," he said gravely.

I sighed. "It's not by choice, I'll tell you that. I'm just too stupid to know when to stop playing around."


	11. Sweet Music Man

_**Disclaimer:**_ As a history major in college, I lack the true originality of an accomplished writer. I'm more inclined to read the works of others and comment on them. The same applies to this story. Some of the characters and the attempt at a plot are mine, but the rest belongs to Mercedes Lackey.

**A/N:** Hello again everyone, and time for Ch. 11. Unfortunately I'm not really happy with the first scene of the chapter but I couldn't think of a way to improve it, so your all stuck with what's here. I also have a favor to ask of everyone. Please, please, please leave a review at the end and let me know what you think so far. The wonderful WolfMusic (I tip my hat to you) has been leaving them after every chapter and I love her for it, but I have over 1100 hits so far and only 13 reviews. I don't like to beg, but the review party WolfMusic is throwing is off the hook so please join in the fun!

_Ch. 11: Sweet Music Man_

A week after I showed off my new trick I received one of my biggest shocks to date. I was heading to a workroom for my third session that week and found three people waiting for me instead of the usual two of Darkwind and Elspeth. The third person was dressed in hues of light blue and green and a dash of bright red, garb that normally would have been considered tacky and overly flamboyant, but looked beautiful instead of like rainbow puke. What was more incredible was the feathered mask of bright green and red, accenting his waist-long white hair and covering his entire face.

Recovering from the initial shock of this person's clothes, I smiled wryly and laughed. "I didn't know Valdemar celebrated Fat Tuesday. It's too bad I don't have any beads 'cause, dude, you could seriously use some with that outfit."

The mask laughed heartedly while Elspeth and Darkwind were torn between laughter themselves and confusion at what I'd said. The masked person leveled me with an appraising gaze and directed a comment at my two teachers.

"I do believe your student is making fun of me! So this is the brash experimenter Darkwind told me about who can seemingly burn mage energy. If I had your Gift of Firestarting, Lady Jennifer, I would have tried that trick myself. You were right, Elspeth, she's as powerful as I and her Gift is growing. You did right by calling for my help."

You know in the old Road Runner cartoons how Wile. E. Coyote runs off a cliff and hangs in the air for a few seconds before landing with a splat? That was me when my memory caught up and I realized _who _this guy was. The Big Kahuna of the Tayledras mages; the one Healing Adept they had. I had just made fun of Firesong k'Treva.

I involuntarily backed up against the wall as my eyes bugged out and jaw dropped. A Companion, Gifts, a book world, okay. I could deal with that now even though I still didn't accept anything. But just like when my Mage Gift manifested, meeting Firesong was _never _in the mental cards. I never dreamed I'd meet this guy, much less be trained by him if I understood him correctly. Hell, he had to be coerced into training Darian at the k'Valdemar Vale!

Firesong laughed again at my reaction, and this time so did Elspeth and Darkwind.

"Yes, I would venture she knows me now," Firesong grinned.

It took me a few moments to regain my composure, but when I did Elspeth informed me the bulk of my training was over and I was being handed over to Firesong for the rest. It wasn't that there was nothing more she and Darkwind could teach me and they would be helping Firesong, but I had forced their hand with my discovery. If I was starting to experiment on my own, then it was best to put me in the hands of someone experienced in that area and who had the benefit of learning many of the magics the Kaled'a'in.

It basically boiled down to Firesong could teach me more than they and I was ready to move on.

Firesong kicked Darkwind and Elspeth out after that and kicked my lesson into high gear. It was the strangest lesson in magic I'd had simply because his style was so different. It didn't even match up to what I remembered from the Books, partly because we discussed magical theory and its applications instead of mostly working. Lessons had just gotten much more interesting.

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Later on that day when I was cleaning up my room before dinner, Tashir came by.

"Hey," I greeted him at the door.

"Good evening, my lovely flower," he said suavely as he took my hand and graced it with a soft kiss. I rolled my eyes at this old gag, but felt my cheeks heat up none the less. "I have a surprise for you," he said pulling a long piece of blue silk out of his pocket.

I stared at the cloth, not quite sure what to say. "It's very pretty, thank you," I finally decided.

Tashir laughed. "This is not your surprise."

"Holy crap, Batman, you're gonna blindfold me."

His smile widened. "Yes I am. If you'll allow me, that is."

I eyed the silk warily for a while before giving in. "Okay, I guess."

With that he turned me around and lightly tied the cool cloth around my eyes, temporarily blinding me. Tashir then opened my door a little more and reached around me for something.

"It's a bit of a walk to our destination," he explained as I felt my heavy winter cloak drop onto my shoulders.

I smiled and laughed nervously but allowed him to lead me by the hand out of the building and into the cold night air. I shivered some as some air leaked through my cloak, but even more so when I felt Tashir place an arm securely around my shoulders and pulled me close. I wasn't so cold afterwards. A little too warm actually.

We walked for what seemed like forever across the snow. Eventually my nose was assailed with a hint of warm water and the tinge of fresh greenery. Momentarily we paused and a rush of warm humid air hit me square in the face, and Tashir lead me forward again.

"You could have just said we were going to the _ekele_," I chided him with a smile.

"Where would the fun in that be? This is simply the setting of your reward."

"Reward? The hell are you talking about?" I asked as we continued walking. He brought me around by the waterfall and stopped. He unclasped my cloak and I felt him untie the knot behind my head, but didn't remove the blindfold. Instead, Tashir leaned in close and whispered in my ear.

"Your reward for surviving you first lesson with Firesong." The only part of Tashir touching me was his hands, but I was acutely aware that the rest of his body was mere centimeters away from mine, and the feel of his breath on my skin made the hairs stand on end. _Damn, who turned up the heat in here?_

The silk was slowly pulled away from my eyes, revealing the most picturesque picnic I'd ever seen. We were right next to the soaking pool and the waterfall which provided calming background music to the small rainforest-on-steroids surroundings. The blooming flowers provided a light perfume and there were enough candles lit to augment the moonlight streaming through the 'glass', illuminating food that was obviously provided by the few _hertasi_ living at the Palace.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed quietly. I turned to face Tashir and saw his eyes glowing with pride. "Tashir, this is absolutely beautiful. Thank you, very much."

"It occurred to me recently we never had the meal I asked you to share back when you were still yelling at me. It would give me great pleasure, my Dragonheart, if you would join me tonight," Tashir said in a low voice, taking my hand in his. He was excited, but looked as if his very well being hung on my next words.

"How could I say no," I replied brightly.

Tashir inclined his head in acceptance and bowed. He kissed my hand again and swept his free arm toward the picnic. "Then come, my fair rose."

"By now you know much about me from our previous conversations, but there are facts about you that still allude me," he said smiling as he helped me sit on the side of the pool. "If you don't mind, I'd like to ask some more personal questions tonight. Nothing intended to make you uncomfortable, but more specific details to the generalities."

"Sure, what the hell," I shrugged. I was a little hesitant but I honestly believed he wanted to know. "Where do you want to start?"

"With music. Which of the various types you've mentioned before do you like? The popular compositions, classical, I believe you called it 'hip-hop'? Which do you prefer?" he asked intently.

"Well, really anything that I think has a good beat. I grew up listening to oldies, stuff my grandparents and parents listened to when they were my age, and then there are certain country songs that I just adore, but it's mostly the rock/pop music genre. Songs that have more of an edge to them. Whatever I can groove to."

"You mean music that makes you dance?" he asked.

"Yeah. Either that, or have you ever heard a song that sent chills down your spine? A song that makes your blood boil but freezes it in your veins at the same time?" Tashir smiled and nodded in understanding. "A lot of the songs I loved to rock out to would do that to me. They'd give me that shiver."

"Name your favorite." I shot him an incredulous look and laughed. "What?" he asked sounding slightly offended. "You don't have a favorite song?"

"No, I do, but it's like asking me to name my favorite book. Damn near impossible due to the sheer number," I replied laughing. "I mean, do you want it by genre, artist, or decade because let me tell ya it'll be a pretty long list."

Tashir thought for a moment, then answered. "That note you wrote me last fall in response to the poem I gave you, that was a song, correct?" I nodded. "Obviously it meant something to you because you chose it, so it must be from one of your favorite performers. Name one of your favorite songs by that person."

"Fair enough. The artist in question is considered one of the queens of rock an' roll, Pat Benatar, and the song I gave you was called 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot' if you couldn't figure it out. While it is one of my favorites, I think my favorite Pat Benatar song is 'Invincible'. The first time I heard it, it made me sit a little taller and made my blood boil and run cold." I closed my eyes with pleasure as the chords of the chorus rang in my memory, bringing a smile with them.

"Sing it for me," Tashir asked after a few moments.

My eyes snapped open and I scoffed at his request. "What? I can't do that, I don't sing very well and I could never do the song justice."

"That's nonsense and I'm quite serious. Jennifer, I'm a Bard and can tell just by hearing a person speak whether or not they would have a good singing voice. Yours is a little rough, but beautiful in its own right. Please. You've heard plenty of Valdemar's music, it's time we hear some of yours."

It took a little more prodding by Tashir but I agreed. I could hear the notes and words so clearly in my mind I felt like I was listening to the song right there. The world melted away with every word sang and my worries were carried off with every note. And I felt truly and deeply _happy,_ like all was as it should be.

Silence lingered between us as I ended. I almost wanted to break into another of my favorite songs, but wanted to know what Tashir thought. I looked over at him questioningly and was surprised to see one of the biggest and happiest smiles he'd ever given me. I blushed and looked away.

"You really do have a gorgeous voice and though the Bardic Gift is not one of yours, the Projective Empathy you do possess more than compensates. It's obvious you love to sing." I tiled my head in question, causing Tashir to laugh.

"You were Projecting the entire time. It was interesting because I could hear your voice and feel the emotions the song gave you. But I could also hear music unlike anything I've ever heard and a separate voice singing as well, which I assume was the original performer. I didn't know you could do that."

I couldn't believe it. "You…you could hear the music?" Tashir simply nodded. "I didn't know I could either."

As the night went on he got me to sing a little more and asked me more questions about myself, like my favorite book, movie, singer, and a few others. With each question I found it easier to answer and found myself really enjoying his company, to the point where I would volunteer information or ask Tashir the same question.

It was around ten when he walked me back to my room. But I didn't want the evening to end; I wanted it to continue on. We reached my door and I was about to ask him something that had been weighing on my mind for a while when he beat me to the punch.

"Before I leave you, I have two more questions, if I may?"

"Sure," I smiled.

"When is your Birthing Day?" he asked, locking my gaze with mine. I could have sworn I felt my knees give a little.

"You're the first one to ask that. It's on October twenty…umm, six days before Sovvan-Night, I think. I'm not sure how similar my calendar is the one you use here," I replied.

"Does anyone know?" I shook my head. "The anniversary of your birth has passed twice during your time here and nobody knew about it?" Tashir's voice rose slightly with anger.

"My birthday is a month after I came here, so it's not really a happy time for me anymore. It's no big deal," I defended as I felt my throat tighten a little at the thought. _Who really wants to remember how long they've been away from home with a special event like that?_

"Jennifer, that will not happen again, I promise you," Tashir said firmly, his eyes never leaving mine. He smiled again with a hint of mischief sparkling in his eyes. "For my second question, how old are you?"

I laughed and raised an eyebrow at him. "Didn't your momma ever tell you it's not polite to ask a lady her age?"

"With a vocabulary such as yours, I hardly think of you as a lady."

"Ouch! Now you really don't deserve an answer."

Tashir's smile widened but the sparkle died. "Seriously."

"I just turned twenty. Why did you want to know?"

"Curiosity."

"It killed the cat, y'know."

"I'll take my chances."

"Okay then, my turn for one last question, and I want a serious answer," I said leaning against the door jam and crossing my arms.

"Of course," he nodded.

"Back home a guy like you would never even notice me, so what did I do to catch your attention? Right now you're proving to be an absolute sweetheart and lately I've felt more comfortable with you than anyone, save Shayna, and I've told you things I haven't told anyone else. But why me? What do I bring to the table?"

Tashir chuckled quietly. "A thoughtful question and yet such a simple answer. You caught my eye because I never caught yours."

"Really? You're not joshin' me?" I asked in disbelief.

"Quite. It's no secret I have an easy time with the ladies, I always have. But you are the first woman I've met who has not been swayed by a pretty word or a glancing look; you wanted nothing to do with me and made me work for your affections. What do you bring to the table? The knowledge that I have to work to keep the one woman I desire most," Tashir said softly as he brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

I was struck dumb and winded. How do you respond to an answer like that? When I didn't, he took that for a sign to leave. He said goodnight once more and had taken a couple steps before I came to my senses.

"Wait a sec," I called. Tashir stopped and gave me a questioning look. _I can't believe I'm going to do this, but for some reason it feels right._ Quickly, I placed a hand on his chest, stood on tiptoe, and gave his a light kiss. A real one. I gave a small laugh when I saw the look on Tashir's face. His jaw had dropped slightly and was looking at me like I'd sprouted horns.

"You earned that. Thank you, so much, for tonight. It was amazing."

Tashir shook his head slightly, as if to clear it and gave me his most charming smile. I raised an eyebrow but returned it warmly.

"No, Jennifer, thank _you._" And he left.


	12. Goodbye to You

_**Disclaimer: **_If for some insane reason anyone reading this thinks I own more than the original characters (Nia, Trine, Jennfier, Tashir, Shayna, and more or less Kris) in this story, then I want to know what they're smoking and if they'll share. Everything else belongs to Mercedes Lackey so leave me alone. And the song at the end belongs to Michelle Branch so don't sue me for that either.

**A/N:** Hello again everybody! It's been what, almost 2 weeks since my last update? (dodges things being chucked in general direction) I know and I'm sorry, but before we get to Ch. 12 I've got a few housekeeping things to clear up.

1) Updates - Last Monday was the start of spring semester at college, whereas the previous weeks where I'd updated almost every three days was Christmas Break, so now I have to balance writing this story with homework and my job. I'll try to update about once every week or two from now on, but no promises. At the same time though it's good, because the next two or three chapters deal with the main climax of this little tale and I want/need to plan them rather carefully so I can blow ya'll away. So please be patient with me.

2) Reviews - I feel like such a genius on this point. It was recently brought to my attention that the anonymous review option had not been enabled, so only registered readers could leave a review. (Everybody thank Yami Hime Hikari for setting me straight!) My most _profound_ and _sincere _apologies to whom this may have affected. That little hiccup's been fixed, so that rant in the previous chapter I made about lack of reviews, lets' just pretend I was drunk when I wrote that and forget about it. Okay? ;)

3) Kris - A couple people have had a question about him so I thought I'd clear it up for anyone else. If you haven't figured it out, Kris is Elspeth's younger half-brother and twin to Princess Lyra, who I have written as a Field Herald, and thus only mentioned twice. In the disclaimer at the beginning of the story, I referred to Kris as 'this version' because you only hear about him usually from Elspeth's POV and as just kinda being there. So all I've done is take him from however old he is in the_ Mage Winds_ and_ Mage Storms_ trilogies and grown him up. If you haven't gotten to those books yet then I suggest you do so soon because the remainder of this story makes more sense after you've read them.

4) Magic - Just to throw this out, I decided after 25 years magic would be around 65-70 percent back to normal from the events at the end of _Storm Breaking_ (book 3 of_ Mage Storms)_. In case anyone was wondering.

Okay, I think that's all I have to say for now. Oh hey, what's that down below? Holy crap I think it's the start of Ch. 12! Hot damn!! After long last, here it is. Enjoy! (Geez that was a long note...)

_Ch. 12: Goodbye to You_

Events of the next year and few months were pretty much work, work, and more work. My training with Firesong became more involved and consisted of mostly testing the limits of my Gift, allowing me to eventually mask my Mage Gift from Mage-Sight, (a trick I remembered Need saying she could do once) along with my other abilities, and to channel energy from the leylines and nodes into energy blasts. Firesong got pretty damn jealous at that one.

I was through the majority of main classes I needed for Herald training, but I wasn't going to break the record for early graduation. Most of what I had left was field training, as it was all but decided I was either going to be on the Pelagris border as a field Herald or in the capital teaching. I never really saw myself as teacher material but, oh well, fine by me. I'd been living day to day for so long I hadn't even begun to think about what I'd do _after_ my training was finished. As long as someone had an idea...

My relationship with Tashir had become interesting because after our date I really started to think about where he stood with me. Did I consider him to be a really, really close friend, or was I looking for a romantic relationship? I had no idea and the last thing I wanted was to lead him on just to later break his heart. But I _really, really_ liked the guy and I couldn't bring myself to break it off. Was I afraid of starting a relationship or was I just indecisive? I didn't know, yet it was one thing I knew I wanted to see through.

One mid-July morning, Midsummer's Eve, I awoke with a start. I had been in Valdemar for almost three years and never in that time had I woken up so excited and scared. But it was a good scared. I didn't quite understand why we hadn't done it earlier, but no matter. The day had come.

I dressed quickly and ran outside to get Shayna for an early morning ride. That damn habit of Kris's had worn off on me, though I still didn't consider myself a morning person. But that day I would need to be calm and collected if things were to go without a hitch.

_:Nervous?:_ Shayna asked as I reached her stall and placed a blanket on her. It may have been mid-summer but it was cold as hell that morning.

"A little, but I'm excited too. It was one of the first things I Felt when my Gift manifested and Elspeth was right, it's intoxicating. But today's the day I get up close and personal with it in order to prove I've overcome a huge psychological barrier," I said brightly as we moved out into the pre-dawn morning.

_:As if there's any doubt left. People are more afraid you're as powerful as Vanyel Ashkevron and you'll blow up the Palace. You have similar problems to his, but you've weathered them much better I think.:_

"Personal observation?" I teased as we crossed Companion's Field. I loved reminding her I knew the Companion's dirty little secret.

_:Hardly.:_ she retorted quickly. _:I'm old enough, Chosen, but not that old.:_

_:So the only crazy-ass old lady allowed around here is Sayvil, right?:_ I quipped back.

_:I'll tell her you said that.:_

_:I don't care. I'm not scared of Sav…I mean, _Sayvil._ I'm probably on par with her nephew, so bring it on. Her Chosen, however, I am afraid of, but then Kerowyn scares the crap out of anybody.:_

_:Play with fire and you'll get burned.:_

I laughed. "I do that nearly every day so what's your point?"

Shayna then gave a sharp kick, causing me to fall off her back and nearly landed face first in a mud puddle left over from a huge storm a couple days earlier. Just as I recovered from having the wind knocked out of me and tried to stand, she pushed me backwards into the mud.

_:Oh, did you fall off?: _she asked in mock concern. _:The great Herald-Mage trainee is going to be introduced to the Heartstone today and I come to find she can't even ride her Companion. Tsk, tsk, maybe you should be taking riding lessons again with the first-years.: _

"Point made, I deserved that," I said grimly as I extracted myself from the mud.

_:Yes, you did.:_

"I did not, however, deserve to be pushed into the mud!" I said laughing and grabbed a handful of mud and chucked it at the white figure dancing and whickering in front of me. I hit her square on the flank, which was rewarded with another shove into the mud.

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Three hours and a change of clothes later I found myself in front of a door and afraid to go in. I wasn't afraid of the Heartstone itself, but I _was_ afraid of what would happen if it didn't accept me. Elspeth, Darkwind, and Firesong didn't see why there should be any problem, but their reassurances failed to put my mind to rest. In almost three years I had gone from having no Gifts, to this. Bloody hell.

Elspeth placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Daunting, isn't it?" she said warmly.

I bit my lip and nodded. "In more ways than one."

"You'll be fine. The introduction takes only a few moments and then you'll get to start your Adept-test, which I'm sure you'll pass with flying colors," she said calmly.

I looked at the woman beside me and seemed to see her for the first time. She was about my mother's age, just over fifty, with snow white hair, piercing blue eyes, and years of experience behind her. I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever become half the Herald-Mage she was.

"You really have that much faith in me, huh?" I asked.

"We all do. Mother and Step-father especially. I think Vree hurt my husband's feelings the other day when he told him, 'Wise human. Smarter than you'," Elspeth laughed. "But we're all incredibly proud of you. You've far outstripped any expectations we initially had. Some would call you a prodigy."

"No," I said looking back at the door. "I'm just a messed up kid about to tangle with a living rock."

"Then after you," she said and gently pushed me forward.

I opened the door and was greeted with a familiar mental image brought to life. The circular table, stone benches, and the Heartstone itself were all just as I'd imagined. Darkwind was already inside and smiled as Elspeth and I entered, motioning for me to take a seat.

I sat, gaze fixed on the medium sized, multicolored crystal in front of me. To normal sight the stone hardly flickered, but with Mage-Sight it was like looking straight into a light bulb, and I could Feel the pulsating power. I started to break into a sweat and my hands shook a little.

_Focus dumbass. This thing could make or break you._

I closed my eyes and took a few deep calming breaths, making sure I was Grounded and Centered properly. There was no turning back. "Okay, let's get this party started. Ready to use that lead butt of yours and anchor me here, Mr. Ed?"

_:As ready as can be, psychotic rambler.:_

Elspeth and Darkwind took my hands in theirs as I reached a mental "hand" toward Darkwind. He "took" it and I was immediately blinded by a warm, white glowing light. Whatever this thing was it was insanely old and insanely young at the same time, yet I knew it could kick my ass in a heartbeat.

I reached a little deeper and was overwhelmed, audibly gasping, by the sheer _raw_ and friendly power I Felt. I opened myself to it wholly and Felt an intelligence probing me, testing my intentions. Both Shay and I then received a feeling of welcome and acceptance; the Heartstone approved of and recognized us. _Sweetness_. Now for the next step…

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I brought my "hand" back and pulled myself up and away from the power center, releasing my mental hold on the Heartstone. I did it; the _vrondi_ would now alert all mages, not just Herald-Mages, to danger around Valdemar, Hardorn, and the northern half of Karse. All I had done was take the original spell Vanyel had placed on them so long ago and widened the area of surveillance. An impressive feat, even by Vanyel's standards.

I fell forward, resting my elbows on the stone table and placed my head in my hands. I had never,_ ever,_ been so tired in my life.

"Holy shit, dude; that was insane. And I thought Touching a node for the first time was bad," I breathed heavily.

"Congratulations, Jennifer. You have successfully linked yourself to the Heartstone and passed your Adept-test," Darkwind said, his eyes and voice overflowing with pride. I smiled weakly back and at Elspeth when the magnitude of what I'd just done hit me like a ton of bricks.

By adding my signature to the Stone, thus allowing me to utilize its power whenever I wanted, signaled I was no longer a Mage trainee. I may not have the golden-brown uniform yet, but I was officially an Adept-class Mage.

I laid my head on my arms as I felt tears threatening to fall. One more door to my past was closed and another to my future had opened, throwing everything into realistic light. Part of me had thought going in that this was still a game I could pull out of at any time; not anymore. By linking myself with the Heartstone I had made myself as much a part of this place as another Mage and there was no going back.

"Jennifer, are you alright?" Elspeth asked worriedly. I lifted my head, wiping away a fallen tear.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay," I reassured them, taking deep breaths in effort to regain my composure. "I finally realized what this all really means. If I go home, I'm not going back with a few tricks up my sleeve. I'd be going home as so much more than when I left. It's just kinda scary," I said huskily. I reached up and clasped my hand around my dragon pendant, squeezing it hard.

"Come, let us get you back to your room to rest for awhile, shall we?" said Darkwind. He helped me up and led me back with a hand on my arm the entire way as I was rather unsteady on my feet.

_:Chosen, dear heart, are you going to be alright?:_ Shay asked after I collapsed on my bed.

I flung my long braided hair out to the side and felt two hot tears splash onto the pillowcase. _:Yeah, I just didn't expect this to hit me so hard.: _

_:Would you like to come outside for a while and sit by the stream?:_

_:No, I think I want to stay here and rest for a while. Maybe later.:_

_:Should I have Jaysden tell Kris you may not come to the Midsummer celebration tonight?:_

_:No, I'll go. I haven't been to one yet and if I back out he'll kill me. Besides, Trine gets back in from Field duty today, right? I promised him I'd be there as well.:_

_:He's expected by mid-afternoon. Get some rest, love.:_

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A couple hours after dinner Kris came by and we went down to the old temple ruins for a Herald and Bard thrown party. Because I had spent my last two years at the Collegium too wrapped up in studying to go to any celebration held, Kris told me I would make it to this one even if he had to knock me out and drag me. And as I was almost done with regular classes he knew I had the time to spare. I shocked him when I came out in some clothes I'd had from home that still fit: a drawstring black skirt, my orange t-shirt, and black boots.

I had to say it was the most fun I'd had in ages. The music was lively, Kris and Trine had both taught me some Valdemaran dances so I was able to join in the dancing, and I took perverse pleasure in watching Kris glare bloody daggers at Tashir every time he asked me to dance. Then it was my turn to laugh at him and Nia when he asked her to dance a couple times. If only Kris knew how much she had been dying for that opportunity. It felt so liberating to let my hair down and simply enjoy myself for the first time in ages.

The highlight of the evening came when Tashir got up and played a few pieces he'd been working on for what was rumored to be ages. Word was the current Court Bard was looking to retire in a few years and Tashir desperately wanted the job. During the year and a half we'd been "together" he had played for me a few times, but what he performed that night transcended anything I'd heard before.

It was well into the party when I mustered up the courage to answer the call for others to play or sing something. When I stood and walked toward the marble block the performers sitting on, there wasn't a sound except for the chirping of crickets and leaves blowing in the wind.

I sat down and looked at the surrounding faces as I tried to collect my thoughts. How did I want to say what I now felt so strongly? In a few short hours I'd undergone a change that should have happened almost as soon as I was Chosen. But how could I verbally express that to my satisfaction? _Just say it, stupid. The words will come on their own._

I took a deep breath and started. "I don't know many of you, and I know the names and faces of even fewer. Unfortunately, that's been my conscious choice and for that I apologize. I came up with this crazy notion that if I isolated myself from most everyone here, the less chance I stood of becoming attached to this place. I now know it hurt me more than helped but I've never been accused of doing things the easy way.

"From the moment I realized that Shay had chosen me, I've been trying to reconcile my two identities: am I an American first and a Herald second, or vice versa? Then when my Mage Gift manifested it threw a whole other monkey wrench into the equation. Yet deep down I always knew I wanted to be a Herald, so while I never fought it, I almost feel like I've been living the life of two people."

Tears were starting to form but I kept going, not allowing myself to cry. "But who am I anymore? I know I will always be an American; it's everything about me. Nothing is _ever_ gonna change that and I will beat the shit out of the first person who tries! But I also know this. I owe my life and well-being to this country and her crown. I could have ended up anywhere and then God only knows what would have happed to me. But luck won out and I found myself in the best possible place, and given the chance to repay the debt I _know_ I owe. So where's the balance?

"And after being introduced to the Heartstone today, I now feel the calling I should have felt long ago. I have a job to do and if I don't then who will? Who will help those who can't help themselves? Who will try their damnedest to make sure no one else has to suffer what I have by having everything they've ever known ripped away from them? I can't half-ass this anymore. So a part of me has to let go, accepting Valdemar as my new home, all of you as my new family, and become a true Herald-Mage. I have to say "Goodbye", and the best way I know how to do that is in one of my favorite songs."

I closed my eyes and I could hear the melancholy notes of the intended song. I just hoped they all understood what this cost for me, and started to sing.

_Of all the things I've believed in  
I just want to get it over with  
Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry  
Counting the days that pass me by_

_I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old  
Feels like I'm starting all over again  
The last three years were just pretend  
And I said,_

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

_I still get lost in your eyes  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
Closin' my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
But it's not right_

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

_And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
I want you  
But I'm not giving in this time_

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

_And when the stars fall I will lie awake  
You're my shooting star_

The whole while I sang, I Projected thoughts, images, and feelings of Home, letting everyone there know what I'd left behind. They all saw my family and friends, Chicago and New York lit up at night, the Washington Mall and Mount Rushmore. They all felt the pride I had in all those things, and the sadness that I would never see them again. No more Cubs baseball in the summer or 4th of July fireworks. I'd finally said goodbye.

I looked out over the crowd and saw barely a dry eye. Some were trying to hide their tears, others quietly sobbing; I knew they'd all gotten the point. I left the ruins and headed for my spot by the stream as quickly as possible. I'd just killed the evening, but didn't regret my decision to open up like that. Far too many people had told me to let go and move on; now I was going to try.

I started to cry when I reached the trees and it was not long after when someone stopped me and pulled me into such a warm and welcoming embrace that caused my knees to give way and I fell to the ground. I had no idea who held me, but they were a welcome shoulder to cry on and I took full advantage. My friends knew I rarely cried and I was currently sobbing my heart out, so nothing was said for lack of comforting words. When I finally calmed down and opened my eyes a little, I literally saw red and held on to Tashir with more fervor than I knew I had. Something in my head and heart clicked at that moment, and I knew that was where I wanted to stay; in his arms.

Tashir helped me to my feet and quietly said to others that had followed us he was taking me to bed. Somehow through the fog of my mind I heard Kris protest but eventually give in, as did Nia and Trine. _All four followed me, huh? Do I have loyal friends or what?_

Shayna must have come by as well because next thing I knew Tashir and I were on her back, headed for the Collegium. When we got there he refused to let me walk and carried me the rest of the way to my room. Normally I would have put up a fight but I no longer cared. Tashir was taking care of me, and had for so long and subtlety I hadn't really noticed. The small gestures of kindness, making sure food was waiting for me in my room after a long lesson with Firesong, quietly telling Kris, Nia, Trine, and Talia certain things I'd only told him. What did I do to deserve him?

I didn't want to be alone that night and asked him to stay. I could tell he was battling with his inner judgment but he agreed. Neither of us fell asleep right away. We lay on my bed not saying anything, arms wrapped around each other, my head tucked under his chin as he softly stroked my hair.

Eventually Tashir broke the silence, and what he said made me cry all over again. Only this time they were tears of joy.

"You asked me why I chose you and I replied 'because you showed no interest in me'. I'd like to amend that statement." He tilted my chin up so our eyes met and I held my breath at the sight of their intensity. "I've fallen in love with you because you show more strength, courage, honesty, and pride in simply breathing than I have ever seen. You hold your head high when others would hang theirs in shame, and though no one sees it at first, you wear your heart on your sleeve but won't allow it to be wounded. How could I not fall helplessly in love with that and do everything in my power to make you happy?"

My vision blurred with tears of joy and felt his lips take my breath away in the sweetest and most passionate kiss I could imagine. That did it, I was sold. My heart was his and I let him know. If I was truly going to spend the rest of my life in Valdemar, that was as good a time as any to start living again, and learning to love.


	13. Well, What If I Don't Wanna Go?

_**Disclaimer: **_Any resemblance between characters and events in this story to anything owned by Mercedes Lackey is kind of intentional, but I am by no means trying to plagiarize. She's a far better writer with years of experience vs. me, who has nothing but an idea and the desire to neglect her homework.

**A/N:** Hello again, loyal readers. As promised, here is your weekly update and the beginning of the climax of this little tale. And for those of you familiar with diagraming the plot of a book, the climax usually comes at towards the end of a story and hence, I'm starting to reach it. As of right now I foresee about 5 or 6 more chapters and then I'm done. sniff You have been warned. Also any of the geography mentioned, towns and the Middle Barrier, is referenced from_ The Valedmar Companion_ on page 219, so they are supposed to be real places. So without anything else to say, remember to leave a review at the end and enjoy!  
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_Ch. 13: Well, What If I Don't Wanna Go?_

In the last year and a half the Eastern Empire seemed to be content with playing a cat and mouse game on the border. They'd build up troops, the Alliance would send people to respond just in case, and then the Empire would back away. This would happen every few months; it was like Melles' was testing the waters for something, but what? Kerowyn had stopped sending spies over because the last couple never came back so obviously they'd been found out, and neither Hardorn, Karse, nor Iftel could get information either. Whatever was going on was being kept under _enormous _wraps and we weren't going to find out anytime soon.

Then, a month before Midsummer, a deserter from the Empire's army was apprehended not far from Shonar, the new Hardorn capital, and gave King Tremane vital information. Melles' _had_ been testing the border to see what kind of resistance he might initially face when he invaded, which apparently was going to be within a few weeks. He'd amassed a force that far outnumbered anything Valdemar, Rethwellan, Hardorn, Karse, Iftel, the Tayledras, and the Shin'a'in could scrounge up on such short notice. In short, we were fucked.

The reason: Melles was revenge driven. He had spent much of the last two decades trying to reclaim parts of the empire that decided to revolt and breakaway after the storms with some success, but it wasn't enough. Melles believed, as had his predecessor Charliss, the Mage Storms had originated from Valdemar and now that he had a good chunk of the empire stable again, Hardorn and Valdemar were next on the chopping block. Because he thought we were to blame for loosing part of the empire, Melles was going to add Valdemar and Hardorn as retribution.

A pissed off former assassin on the Iron Throne who had 1) killed off the previous emperor, 2) a penchant for revenge, 3) mages that could do who knew what, and 4) a far larger army: doubly fucked.

So it was two weeks after Midsummer when the other shoe finally fell. Word had arrived the Eastern Army had finally started their invasion, and had just taken the town of Fourtears, just south of the Middle Barrier. Selenay had already sent a majority of the Valdemaran forces out to Shonar weeks ago in anticipation, so now she had to worry about the last minute stragglers.

Yet I still couldn't help but view the situation from the sidelines as if it didn't really apply to me. I knew better, but I couldn't fully see the war as my problem, which was so stupid because it _was._ The Empire was Valdemar's problem and hence mine as one of her Herald trainees. God, I was an idiot.

And thus my world was turned upside down again the day I received my golden-brown uniforms, signaling my necessary promotion to full Herald-Mage. Elspeth brought them herself the morning after news of the invasion came. I saw the small pile of gold-brown fabric in her arms and the full bag slung over her shoulder, and I felt my heart and stomach drop with a sickening lurch. She said the remaining Heralds, new Heralds, Healers, and anyone else were Gating out at dawn the next day. First to Shonar, then we'd have a week march to outside Kariswood, where we'd wait and pray.

The remainder of that morning passed in a foggy numbness for me as the fact sunk in that I was preparing for war. In a few days time I would become a murderer, and to what purpose if we failed? Melles' army was massive and the Alliance had no sure-fire way of dealing with them. They had some stuff, sure, but I didn't think it would it be enough.

The Artificers at the Palace had come up with a cannon which packed a pretty decent punch and didn't require gunpowder, which impressed the hell outta me. Iftel and Karse were being secretive with a few tricks they had up their sleeves while assuring everyone they would work, and Firesong had been helping to teach more Kaled'a'in defensive magic to everyone in the Mage Collegium, some of which Treyvan and Hydonna couldn't perform. Then there was me as the ace-in-the-hole, with my node blasts and able to burn Mage energy. I had no idea what to do if called on for a drastic move, but Firesong and I agreed (secretly, mind) that if things got desperate, the two of us calling Final Strike should do the job.

After I'd packed my gear, I sat and wrote a letter I'd hoped I'd never have to, addressing it to my family and friends. I had a really, _really_ bad feeling about the ensuing battle, that I wouldn't make it. And if I didn't, and someday, on the off-hand chance America found a way to Valdemar or vice versa, I needed something to be passed along to my relatives. I stated why they were receiving the letter and explained my half of the story, of how we thought I got there and what I'd become. I said that all things considered, I'd been okay and didn't suffer alone; I had friends who cared for me and a man I'd come to love, and finished by saying I loved everyone, apologized for not being able to tell them in person, and that I'd never given up hope of coming home.

Afterwards I got Shay's things squared away she and I spent the remainder of the day at the stream, talking about anything but the next day while watching the sun travel and eventually fade through the trees. For all I knew it would be my last night in Valdemar and it scared me more than I cared to admit. I hadn't realized how attached I'd become to that country, and now I was being hit over the head with it.

Though Shay and I tried to avoid it, our conversation gradually drifted to the war. That was when I finally lost my composure, admitting how scared I was and started to let out all the incoherent thoughts running around in my mind. I thought getting them off my chest would help, but unfortunately no.

_:Chosen, you need to calm yourself and rest. I'm as scared as you, having never been to war, but becoming hysterical will do you no good.:_ Shayna said, her voice both calm and anxious. I had been pacing for a while trying to relax my tense muscles with no luck. And my pacing made Shay nervous.

"I know, but I can't help thinking this is the end of the road for me. Or worse, the reason I'm here is so I can prevent a Velgarth world war and save everybody's ass, and die in the process. That is ripped straight from the fairytale/fantasy rulebook and the last thing I want is for my time here to be fodder for a story, yet that's all anybody seems to be giving me!" I exclaimed. Yes, I'd decided to accept my predicament, but is accepting the same as believing? Oh hell no, not in my book. American scientific and social conditioning's a bitch.

_:And what if that's true?: _Shayna countered:_that you were the only person powerful enough from any world capable of stopping Melles? We most likely have only one chance for success, it's all or nothing. This is a massive responsibility, yes, but then some would call you a gift from the Gods.: _

"I don't wanna be God's Gift to anybody!" I shouted heatedly, throwing my arms in the air. "Because that damn near means 'prophesy' and 'prophesy' is the worst fucking cliché _anyone_ can come up with! God, wouldn't that be the cherry and sprinkles on top of this metaphorical sundae?" I said grudgingly. "I swear, if in the next few days I hear the words prophesy, destiny, or fate in reference to me, somebody's gonna get hurt."

Shayna sighed heavily and stood, and I felt a pair of mental arms encircle me as she pressed her head into my chest. _:Jennifer, listen to me. Do something to relax. Go take a bath, read a book, go to bed early._ Something. _You're thinking too much about the negatives. If you honestly think this will be your last night in Valdemar, then spend it doing something you enjoy or with Tashir. He's probably looking for you if he knows. I'll see you before dawn.:_ She said before walking back to the stables for the night.

I flopped down onto the grassy bank, burying my face in my hands. I knew she was right, but damn it, I wanted to complain to somebody! But I also knew there wasn't anyone to complain to who would lend a sympathetic ear because they were all feeling similar to me. Wasn't I just up Shit Creek without a paddle?

I sat for a while trying to meditate to the soft song of the moving water, willing my muscles to relax and my mind to stop racing. Eventually they did and I remembered what Shay said before she left. _Tashir's probably looking for you if he knows._ But what if he didn't, and I started to feel guilty. There was no way I could leave without telling him, not after we'd come so far.

I made my way over to Bardic and saw with relief there was a light in his rooms. Tashir should be there. My heart raced with worry and anticipation as I made my way inside and up to the third floor. Would I be welcome so late, was I going to disturb him while trying to compose? God forbid I would interrupt a private conversation.

When he answered the door my worries melted away, because as soon as Tashir saw me I was swept up into his comforting embrace and he led me to his couch. Both of us were at a loss for words, but the silence and his presence were welcoming. Something told me that was where I needed to be.

"So you already know?" I asked quietly, eventually breaking the silence as I curled up against him.

"Of course I do. I went looking for you earlier but decided you'd want some time alone first. It's hard to keep information of such an important manner from Bards. Now, it's a question of keeping us from going through that Gate," Tashir said with a light smile as his fingers absent-mindedly played with a small chunk of node-bleached white hair in my bangs. I couldn't help smiling a little.

I reached up and brought his face down to mine for a deep kiss. "I don't want you to come with us. Please promise me you won't," I whispered, reluctantly pulling away. "I'd be horrified if anything happened to you just because you were gathering song ideas. And to know I could have prevented it by asking you to stay behind…," I trailed off, not quite knowing how to articulate what I wanted to say.

Tashir's brown eyes saddened and he said the words I feared most. "I'm sorry, I can't."

"What?" I leaped up and cried out in disbelief. "Why?"

"I've been asked to do something," Tashir stood and explained. He pulled me back into his arms, forcing me to relax again as I laid my head on his warm chest and listened to the sound of his heart beat. "I can't tell you what, but part of the reason is because I'm from Bolton and was taught to fight by a retired Skybolt, and thus can protect myself. My heart, I'm so sorry."

"But your hands…" I started, knowing a Bard's hands were their life.

"Are less important than what I've been asked to do," he finished.

I swallowed hard. "This 'secret mission' you've been asked to do, will it put you in harm's way?"

"That remains to be seen."

"Then if it does, you better not do anything stupid to get yourself hurt, okay?" I said grabbing small hand-fulls of his tunic and shook it for emphasis.

Tashir chuckled. "Only if the rule pertains to you as well."

"I'm a Herald-Mage, I have no choice," I countered. _Dude, I've had my official uniform not even a day and I'm referring to myself as a Herald-Mage. That's messed up._

"Yes you do. You can try and plan for an event or blunder into something with nothing but a goal in mind. And we both know you are capable of doing either one," he said sternly, pulling away slightly to give me the look that said "Don't argue with me because you'll loose". "Darling, all I'm asking is for you to use your head."

I sighed and thought about what Tashir said for a moment. _Bugger, he's right. Grrrrrr._ "Why do both you and Shayna have to be smarter than me tonight?" I reluctantly asked, looking at my hands which still held Tashir's tunic.

"And how is that different from any other day?" he retorted. I scoffed indignantly and raised an eyebrow at him as his eyes twinkled mischievously and he smirked.

I bit my lip in effort to keep from smiling (failed!) and shook my head. "You certainly have an over inflated ego. I need to be better about keeping it in check."

"I'm surprised you didn't use that barbed tongue of yours just now," Tashir responded.

I sighed again and wrapped my arms around his torso, pulling him closer. "Not tonight. I actually want to enjoy hearing you be a pompous ass."

Tashir just grinned and kissed me again. "Why do I love it when you swear at me? My love, you need not worry so. The next few days will be tense yet uneventful, so you need to rest while you can. We both should as we need to be ready before dawn." As if to enhance his point, the time-bell rang 11pm and I yawned.

"I assume you're packed?" he asked. I nodded. "Then allow me to escort you to your chamber of slumber, my lovely," and he preceded to take my hand and lead me toward his bedroom. I stopped.

"Ah…_un momento, por favor._ If I stay here, how do I know I'm going to actually get to sleep?" I questioned. "I didn't get a whole lot the other night."

Tashir laughed quietly and decided that was a prime time to be eloquent. "Nor did I, but it was worth it, yes? Not tonight, my dear, for we both shall have far too many responsibilities calling us in the coming lights of morning. It will be upon our victorious return, of which I am certain, we will be granted the luxury of sleepless nights," Tashir whispered quietly against my lips, brushing them softly with his own. With that he swept me off to his bed, where I _did _sleep without interruption.

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"If I didn't hate mornings before, I certainly do now," I mussed aloud to no one in particular.

I was one of many uniformed people (_definitely _wishing to be elsewhere, personally wanting to be back in bed with a certain Bard next to me…) waiting in front of the permanent Gate arch next to the old temple ruins in the pre-dawn morning. The Gate had only been built five years ago, after the k'Leshya figured out how to re-establish them and passed word onto the Herald-Mages at the Palace. It had been getting quite a workout over the last few weeks, what with sending troops and needed supplies through to Shonar almost everyday.

I looked around at the many others loitering about, chattering with their Companions or each other and every so often punctuating the air with gales of laughter, and wondered how many had the same feelings of trepidation I did. Many seemed nervous and anxious, while others seemed calm and prepared, like they'd been in battle before or were at least better at hiding their anxiety. I also couldn't help wondering how many of them wouldn't return and which tally I'd be part of: the living or the dead.

_:Chosen, you're wool-gathering again.:_ Shayna said, interrupting my rather depressing train of thought.

I groaned and rested my head on her neck. "I know, but I don't like this!" I whined.

_:Would you like some cheese with that?: _she replied.

"I didn't mean it to sound selfish, and I know nobody's happy about this. I just…even though I have family members who've fought in nearly every major world conflict back home, I never pictured myself being in combat," I sighed. "No, that's not right either! Damn it, I don't know what I'm trying to say!"

Shay chuckled. _:When you're scared you're even less articulate than usual. I believe I know what you mean, however.:_

"Good, at least someone does," I said as I reached up to finger my dragon pendant in search of the strength its likeness possessed; something I'd been doing a lot of. _Genius, get a grip. Whichever Bard decided nicknaming you "Dragon Mage" after this damn thing was a good idea, did so because they think you're courageous and strong. Now regardless of whether or not that's true or you like it, people have begun to expect it, so you should start living up to it. Get a grip, relax, and try to do something useful before you resign yourself to sticking your head between your knees and kissing your ass goodbye!_

_:Interesting way of putting it, but it works.: _Shay put in.

"Oh shut up, Mr. Ed," I replied irritably. I then switched my attentions back to the crowd, scanning it for Kris. As heir, he wasn't coming with us and neither was his sister, Lyra, but he'd promised to come down and say goodbye. I couldn't find him, but I did see his twin coming my way with a hesitant smile. Since she was on circuit most of the time we didn't know each other very well, but the few times we'd hung out we got along.

"You look like hell, but if I was in your place I know I would too," Lyra commented when she came closer. She was blunt like me, yet had the understanding and compassion most girls seem to. And was more sympathetic than her brother, which was amusing since Kris was the Empath and she had nothing more than Mindspeech. Whereas Kris took after his Rethwellan relatives, Lyra was more the image of her parents with dark blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Yeah, I'm just trying not to freak out right now," I said truthfully.

"I can tell," she said and gave me a reassuring hug. "Take care of yourself out there, Jennifer. I'm terribly sorry we haven't gotten to know one another better before now, because Kris speaks so highly of you. And when you come back I fully intend to rectify that."

I shook my head in remorse. "Not to burst your bubble, and this is just me being pessimistic, but I may not be coming back. I have this really bad feeling…"

She cut me off. "And I have this really _good_ feeling you will. My gut says you'll come back in horrible shape, but will recover and be fine. And Lady Shayna, you kick her if she does something stupid," Lyra said pointing a finger at me while addressing Shay. Shay's eyes danced with mirth and snorted in agreement.

"Have you seen your brother by chance?" I asked, changing the subject. "He said he'd come down and I haven't seen him yet."

"I did," the princess replied thoughtfully, like she was trying to remember where. "He was talking with Bard…Tashir, I believe, on the outskirts of the crowd. It seemed like a rather intense discussion. Tashir didn't seem too happy about something and I think I heard him say, "She won't like it"." I thought for a moment before groaning and whimpering at once.

"What?" Lyra asked.

"Lyra, I'm sorry, but you're gonna be devoid a brother. I'm gonna kill him." She tilted her head in question and I explained. "After we leave, ask what's left of him about a "special assignment" and watch him babble his way around an explanation."

Lyra sighed and came to Kris's defense. "He's just trying to look out for you and knows Tashir will do it enough for the both of them. Kris knows Tashir's been teaching you how to use a sword though Kerowyn and Jeri said you were too old, and wants Tashir there to protect you incase you don't have time to respond to a physical attack magically. Plus, it keeps Tashir more or less behind the main fighting line with you, or he'd be at the front. My brother may be dense sometimes, but he knows both of you would be devastated if something happened to the other. He's looking out for both your welfares."

I let her words sink in before responding. So maybe Kris _wasn't_ being as stupid as I thought. "Okay, maybe I won't kill him. And Kris didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it because he _knows_ I hate being coddled."

"Exactly," Lyra said with a nod. She gave me one last hug and went off to say goodbye to others she knew. A few moments later Tashir and his horse found me, Kris following in their wake. I passed Tashir with a smile, grabbed Kris's sleeve and pulled him away from the crowd.

"Your sister spilled the beans. And you're right, I _don't_ like it," I said harshly when I thought we were out of earshot from everyone, and took a perverse enjoyment in seeing Kris visibly pale. He opened his mouth to say something and I cut him off. "But I also need to say thank you for thinking about him too. It's really sweet of you," I continued in a softer tone.

Kris didn't say anything, but stood there with a look a defeat. "As your friend, I would hate to see you hurt in any way and I knew Tashir would try his best to make sure you were unharmed. Yet as someone who loves you, I still do and I know you made your decision, I can't bear to let you go without knowing someone is watching over you. I still don't think Tashir is worthy enough, but from what I've seen he's proven to be a good choice for you."

I sighed. "Kris, I'm a big girl…"

"And can take care of yourself, as you keep reminding me. Jennifer, please, throw me a frickin' bone, would ya?" he asked with a huge grin.

I stared at the prince in shock before we both bust a gut laughing. It sounded so wrong to hear Kris use American slang, and yet was absolutely hilarious. "Dude, you've been hangin' 'round me _way _too much," I gasped in between laughs. "You shouldn't sound like me, it's a bad thing!"

"I have been waiting for the right moment to use that phrase for ages, and it fit perfectly right there," Kris laughed. "I love the way you speak and I expect to hear much more when you come home, so don't you dare say otherwise," he added in a somber tone as he caught me up in a warm hug.

_:Kris, thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You have no idea how much it's meant.:_ I Mindspoke to him; a rare thing. I was like Kero in that regard. Anymore I only used it to talk with Shayna having eventually gotten used to that, but almost never with another person. You know, the whole hearing voices thing.

_:It has been nothing but a pleasure, my friend. Make sure we're victorious and you come home safe.: _Kris replied.

_:I'll do my best. You take care of yourself and don't worry too much. If I kick it, it's at least gonna be with a bang and I'll take as many of the Empire with me that I can.:_

"I expect nothing less from you," Kris said sadly. We pulled apart just in time to see the Gate activate as the power was pulled from the Heartstone. "That's your cue to go." He squeezed my hands and left. As I watched his figure disappear, I wondered if it was the last time I'd see my friend.

I made my way back to Shayna and Tashir, mounted and waited for the line to move forward through the Gate. I was about to travel by Gate for the first (and God forbid last) time, and while I knew in theory what to expect, experiencing it was going to be a bitch. Tashir took my left hand and kissed it gently. "It's just a Gate. Everything will be fine," he said softly.

I smiled weakly. "I still don't want you here, but I am kinda glad you are."

He kissed my palm and placed it over his heart. It was pounding, showing me he was a scared as the rest of us. "I won't leave your side."

"Good, 'cause I'm gonna need you to help keep me sane."


	14. Answers At Last

_**Disclaimer: **_The plot of this story and any characters not found in a Mercedes Lackey book belong to me. Everything else is property of Ms. Lackey. So if I get a lawyer knocking on my door or a phone call about copyright infringement, obviously the American education system is in more trouble than I thought because apparently lawyers can no longer read.

**A/N:** Hello again to all and welcome to another emotionally charged chapter. Not really much to say this time, only that I hope what I've tried to explain makes sense, and that this chapter wasn't originally planned. I came up with this idea about a month ago, while the whole story itself has been in my mind for over a year. So happy reading and hope it lives up to expectations. (puts on army helmet and goes to hide behind sandbags just in case)

_Ch. 14: Answers At Last _

I was not happy. I was not happy at all. I think I can honestly say I was more miserable at that particular moment then I had ever been in my entire life. One of the things I hate most is wearing wet clothing. I hate the way it clings, how it weighs an extra 50 pounds, and how it chills you to the bone. Yet there I was: cold, wet, smelling like a horse, and had done more riding in four days than during the last three years combined. And as an added bonus, was about to face certain doom at the hands of the Eastern Empire. Yea for me!

Why was I wet? Even though we'd used a permanent Gate to travel to Shonar, it still screwed with the weather patterns. So as a result, a tamed down version of the rains causing Noah's Flood had moved in. Obviously I wasn't the only person cold, wet, and miserable, but I really, _really_ hate wet clothes.

Thankfully, though, because most of the traveling party was riding Companions, we'd rolled into Kariswood a couple of days ahead of schedule. And the information we received when we arrived for the night and to re-provision was rather interesting. Seemed the Eastern Army was holding up in Eskavin, roughly three days out from Dianlang. Aand according to the mages King Tremane assigned to guard Kariswood and word coming from the war camp down the road, both the town and camp were being scanned from a distance by Eastern mages. They didn't seem to be trying to assess the Alliance forces or anything, it was more like they were _looking_ for something.

Great, more stuff to stew over. The Empire may well decide to have the Alliance come to them by staying put, which would needlessly involve the citizens of Eskavin. And if the Eastern Mages were looking for something, what was it? Then, more importantly, _how in the bloody freaking hell_ were their mages able to scan Kariswood and the main camp from about a week away?! All the shields any of the Alliance mages could think of, and there were quite a few considering all the countries and mage schools represented, had been placed on the town and camp, yet they weren't doing any good. It made everyone wonder what else they could do.

When we palace stragglers, led by Elspeth, rode into the main war camp on the fifth day out from Shonar, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out moral was low. Anyone could have cut the apprehension and despair with a knife. There was a quiet stillness hovering over the sea of canvas, and the few people walking in the damp air were visibly tense. Body posture was stiff, eyes seemed to dart everywhere, and they would start at the (presumably) normal noises of a camp. The rain had temporarily stopped but the sky was still a dark overcast which only proved to dampen the overall gloom.

I wasn't sure what was worse: being wet and cold, or the atmosphere of camp. Ah hell, it was a toss up.

We in the traveling party broke off into our respective categories to find our quarters and get settled. Healers went to the back, Heralds and Herald-Mages to the center, forming a periphery around the Royal Tent, infantry to the front with the Skybolts, and non-combatants (messengers, cooks, supply people, the few Bards who'd managed to tag along) to the very back behind the Healers. Hardorn, Iftel, Karse, and the few Rethwellan forces had similar arrangements for their armies and the few Tayledras who'd come to play were mixed in with the Valdemarians. The rest of the Tayledras and Shin'a'in clans were going to provide evacuation routes for Valdemar and Hardorn should the need arise.

We Heralds moved to the right side of the camp to the temporary Companions' Field where we were met by grooms to take over the care of our mounts. I was happy to be away from Shayna since we were both acting snippy, yet my anxiety heightened because everything was becoming so real and I didn't want to leave her. I'd been using Shay even more as a teddy bear that week because Tashir hadn't been allowed to ride with the Heralds. He had to stay toward the back with the non-combatants, so I hadn't seen him much during the journey.

I caught up with Narine, my assigned tent mate and fellow new Herald-Mage, and we made our way towards the outermost area of empty tents being set up to claim one for ourselves. I hadn't known Narine very well at the Palace mainly because I'd had so many private lessons. She was a petite, quiet, mousey girl a couple years my junior, but we respected each other's privacy and were civil to one another. And her quiet and calm nature was something I desperately needed to keep from spazzing out.

We found a tent and got to work setting it up in haste so we could finally rest. When Narine and I finished and moved inside to start making it marginally more comfortable, she broke the unspoken agreement of avoided conversation topics.

"I did not think Valdemar would ever have to go to war again, much less I would be a part of it. I am not afraid of the fighting, really, but more of what will happen to us if we fail," she said in a low, quavering voice. She was as frightened as me.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," was all I could think to say as I laid out my bedroll on one of the hard army cots provided.

"Is this what you felt when you first arrived? The uncertainty of what was coming next?" Narine tried to ask in a more conversational tone but her voice still betrayed her emotions.

_God, I'm glad I only have Projective Empathy instead of the full package. I'd be going bat-shit insane otherwise._ I sighed and collapsed wearily on the cot. "I still do, but it's different now," I said. "At first it was the fear of not understanding what was happening, or what was going to occur the next day. Much like now, I felt like I was living on borrowed time. But then it changed to the fear I'd gone crazy with all this being just my imagination. It hasn't gone away, either."

"You thought you had gone crazy? But you always seemed to be so collected; that was why you were called "Ice Queen", Narine said in quiet surprise as she sat down on her cot.

"Yuppers. Look at it from my point of view. I'm mysteriously sucked into a world I believe only exists in a book, develop magical powers which either don't exist in my world or are laughed at, have a talking horse-creature in my head, and now I'm about to fight a basically futile war against an enemy that could kick our asses into next year. Does that sound sane to you?" I asked with a small chuckle.

She shook her head sadly. "Not really, no. I would be worried the person was feeble minded or truly insane."

"Exactly. Now the feeling of borrowed time is back and coupled with the fear of failure. I don't want to say our cause is hopeless, but…" I trailed off and let the silence speak for me. My mind chose that time to channel C-3PO: _We're doomed. _

"So you do not think we will succeed either?" Narine asked meekly.

"Not by a long shot."

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It had been late afternoon/early evening when we stragglers arrived and all I wanted to do was get some dry clothes on and something warm to eat. I'd worry about a quick bath in the morning. After a change of clothing, food became my next priority.

It wasn't hard to find the mess tent. I followed my nose and the small trickle of people starting towards the back of the camp. The warm and savory smell of beef stew wafted through the air causing my stomach to scream out for its first decent meal in days. _I wonder how many more of these I'm gonna get, _I couldn't help but think as I stood in line, surveying the scene in front of me.

The mess tent was more a series of massive chunks of canvas tied together and supported by poles to provide shelter for the cooking staff and various people in differently colored uniforms eating on long wooden tables. The tent was dimly lit with lanterns on the tables, but they didn't do much to dispel the depressing atmosphere. Those who were already sitting down were lingering over their meals as if it was one of the last. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my composure. I wasn't going to break down in front of others. No way in hell.

"Jennifer!" I heard someone yell from across the sea of tables and I turned to see who'd called. I nearly collapsed from relief and happiness as I saw Trine hurrying over and I caught my friend in a big hug. Trine had been part of the first installments of troops to be sent out two weeks earlier.

"Hey, dumbass! How you been holding up?" I asked a little more huskily than I intended. Trine picked up on it and squeezed me tighter before pulling away. He looked pale and haggard; his normally bright blue eyes were lack luster and surrounded with grey circles.

"Better than you, I'm sure. You just got here, didn't you? Go find a seat and I'll scavenge for both of us," Trine said shoving me out of line towards the tables. I found an empty spot and wearily laid my head on my arms as exhaustion hit full force. A few minutes later Trine plunked down a tray heavily laden with stew, bread, cheese, and hot tea. I smiled gratefully at him and picked up one of the tea mugs.

"Did you get a chance to see Nia last night?" he asked in between a mouthful of buttered bread. Nia had come out the same time as Trine.

I nodded. "Briefly, yeah. She says "Hi" by the way. Nia said she was sent back to Kariswood to help with a trauma case they had with a blacksmith, but she didn't have time to elaborate why."

"Something about the blacksmith's son getting stupid with the forge and some of the coals were blown into his face. Burned him pretty badly, stupid git," Trine said scornfully. "Nia and I were eating when she was called away so that's how I know."

I snorted in agreement. "Any idea how old the son was?"

"No, but I would think old enough to know better. I may not know much about the blacksmith trade, but I do know not to mess around with a forge. That's begging for trouble," he commented. Trine then leveled me with a glare. "You're not eating. Eat, woman!" he said, pointing to my quickly cooling stew.

I tucked in as Trine told me all about what had been happening since he left Haven. A few of the scouts the Queen risked to send out for reconnaissance had brought back less than heartening news, but what exactly he refused to say. "You'll find out soon enough," was him only reply.

"Though yesterday, apparently the night sentries caught someone from the Empire trying to sneak into camp. I didn't hear what rank they were, but hopefully we'll get some kind insight on how to hold our own against them," Trine said a little more hopefully than his body language implied.

"Another defector?" I asked. He just shrugged. "Huh. Interesting," I mused.

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The next morning I awoke feeling very uneasy. I couldn't place my finger on what, but I brushed it off as the heightened apprehension around camp and the fact I hadn't been sleeping very well. Nerves, that was all. So I went about finding breakfast and a bath and then seeing if there was anything in particular I should be doing. There wasn't, so I decided to check in with Shay to see how she was faring.

I made it to the makeshift Companions' Field and had to let my eyes adjust to the small expanse of blinding white, which stood out even more than usual against the still overcast morning. I stood looking for Shayna, not quite sure how I was going to find her among so much white (I hadn't perfected telling the Companions apart by a long shot) when I felt something nudge me from behind. I jumped and squeaked in alarm, turning to find Shay had been the perpetrator.

"Shayna, God! You could've said something," I exclaimed.

_:I tried, but you're unconsciously blocking me so I had to get your attention some other way. How did you sleep last night?:_ she asked as she nuzzled my hair.

"Not so good. How 'bout you? The rest of these guys keep you up with their bellyaching?"

_:It was alright. Nothing worse than you this past week.:_ Shayna chided, but her voice held a glint of mischief and humor.

"I'm forgiven then?" I asked pitifully.

_:Quite. We've both been on edge and were taking it out on the other. I'm sorry for yelling the day before last.:_

"It's okay. I'm sorry I've been acting like such a two year old, " I apologized and hugged Shayna's neck. She rewarded me with a cascade of love and comfort. "I'm just really scared."

_:We all are, and for good reason. Some of the other Companions and their Heralds think this ordeal is worse than the Mage Storms. The Eastern Empire is a physically real threat whereas the Storms were magical in nature.:_

"Yeah," was all I could say. At that moment I heard the small, rapid sound of flapping wings. Hovering near the top of Shayna's head was one of the Kaled'a'in messenger birds being used around camp.

_"Herald-Mage Jennifer, the Queen would like to speak with you in her tent as soon as possible," _the little rainbow colored bird said in perfect imitation of Talia. Shayna and I looked at the bird, then at each other in confusion. What the hell could the Queen want to talk to me about? It couldn't be strategy because I sucked at planning stuff like that.

"Umm, okay. I'll be there shortly," I told the bird and it flew off like a stone in a sling-shot.

"Okaayyy…guess I better go see what that's about, huh?" I said, my eyebrows creased with concern.

I made my way quickly to the Queen and Consort's Tent in the middle of the camp. The only thing really marking it as important was the fact it was larger than three normal tents put together and the presence of guards outside the entry flap. I gave them my name and said I'd been requested, when Talia poked her head out and ushered me inside.

Selenay, Daren, Kerowyn, and Elspeth were waiting along with a man sitting in a chair in the middle of the tent with Kero leering over him. He was middle-aged and looked as tired and haggard as Trine had at dinner the night before, wearing an iron-grey uniform that was coated with mud. His white hair had a few sticks and leaves in it, like he'd been hiding in the nearby woods. _Is this the guy Trine said was caught by the sentries?_

The Queen nodded at her daughter and I immediately Felt a change in the atmosphere of the tent. Elspeth had cast a spell of silence so no one standing outside could overhear the conversation. I gave my teacher an inquisitive look, but all she said was, "Just a precaution."

"Thank you for coming, Jennifer. This is a matter of great importance which you need to hear," Selenay said braceingly. "Do you know this man?" she asked.

"Nope, never seen him before in my life. Why?"

"This is Mage Rassil, one of Emperor Melles' personal mages, and he claims to know you, or _of_ you, more specifically," Kerowyn said tartly from her position beside the seated man.

"What! How the hell could this guy possibly know me if he's one of Melles' cronies? I'm not exactly well known outside Valdemar," I stated incredulously.

"I recognize you. You are dressed differently and you white hair marks you as a mage, but you are the same girl I remember seeing," the enemy mage said slowly.

It never ceased to amaze me when I heard someone from outside Valdemar speak because they all seemed to have accents from different counties at home. Valdemar represented England, Karse sounded German, Hardorn was maybe French and Spanish combined, the Tayledras, Shin'a'in, and Rethwellans all sounded slightly Russian. The man's accent was maybe Mexican or African, but his words stunned me more than his voice.

I felt the color drain from my face and I stared. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Please, sit down. I have much to explain to you," Rassil said gravely. I was weary of the guy if he really was part of Melles' personal circle, but I trusted Kero to have questioned the man to within an inch of his life, If she allowed him in the presence of Selenay and Daren, then hopefully things were good.

That was the cue for everyone to sit, except Kero, and Rassil started. "I have something to show you first. It has been in the Emperor's possession for almost three years and it is proof of what I'm going to tell you " he said and Kerowyn handed me something small and rectangular. I took the object from her and it took me a moment to recognize what it was. Kerowyn had handed me a small Nokia cell phone. There was no mistake.

I stared at the phone for I don't know how long. I was ecstatic about seeing something so trivial and so familiar after so long, but the how the HELL did this clown get a cell phone? It wasn't like he was going to make any calls.

_:Chosen, that's something from America, isn't it?:_

_:Yeah.:_ I replied mentally while I verbally asked with tears in my eyes, "How did you get this?"

"Three years ago when his Majesty, Emperor Melles, began entertaining the plans of invading Hardorn and Valdemar, he sent scholars to the archives in search for anything which could help him obtain victory," Rassil began. The man seemed guilty beyond all reproach and something about him screamed he was sorry. "The Empire's resources had been stretched thin over the last few years as the Emperor was trying to bring parts of it back to heel. If his plans of invasion were going to work, they needed to be quick and not strain the standing army too much."

Rassil began to shake and hung his head in shame. "I am a scholar and Mage, and one night, while looking through a bundle of ancient texts, I came across a spell, which after I translated it to the modern tongue, claimed to give a weapon of great power to the caster. I took this information to the Emperor and was handsomely rewarded. His Majesty also allowed me to help him cast the spell, as it required two people, and to help him learn how to use the weapon."

The mage's voice began to crack with grief, but he continued. "The spell contained two parts. First was a seeking component, allowing the casters to see weapons of various strengths, and the second was a Gate of sorts, allowing the weapon to be brought from wherever it was to the casters. When we evoked the first part, we saw not devices as expected, but people with high status Adept level Mage abilities. His Majesty became excited when he realized one of the shown people had more strength than five Adepts combined. He decided after we banished the seeking spell, he would convince the person we brought over to help him conquer Hardorn and Valdemar."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I understood it, yes, but it wasn't making any sense. I sat there the entire time Rassil was speaking with my mouth and eyes wide, trying desperately to wrap my head around what I was being told. When he paused for a third time, I glanced quickly around the tent to see what the others thought.

Daren had taken Selenay in his arms and tried to comfort her as tears ran down her face. Both had their eyes closed, like they couldn't believe what was being said. Kero was livid, and if Rassil could have died just from the glare she gave him, it would have been a welcome death, I'm sure. Talia was next to me and had at some point placed a hand on my shoulder, though her hands were now clenched in rage. Elspeth betrayed no emotion whatsoever and continued to stare directly at Rassil. I turned my attention back to the man in front of me, not sure if I wanted to hear more because I was pretty sure I knew how his story would end.

"A few weeks later, the Emperor called me to his private work room and informed me the time had come to bring someone over. We evoked the seeking component and after some searching found you, my lady," Rassil said finally looking right at me. "You had the strongest Mage ability and the Emperor was impatient so he gave the word to evoke the second part of the spell."

"No. No,… this is…it's…it's impossible. There's no way…" I stammered aloud.

"My lady, it was my fault!" Rassil cried out. "If I had not found the document containing the spell then you would not be here and the coming battle may not have ever been planned! But during the second half of the spell, something unexpected happened. I cannot tell you what. But obviously you did not appear where we anticipated; instead the small device you hold in your hand appeared. Emperor Melles has been searching for you ever since that day, and it was a month ago when he found your location to be in Valdemar."

"Dude, if you're blowing smoke up my ass, I swear I will kill you right now," I said, rising to my feet and letting some of the anger emerging to seep into my voice.

"Jennifer, Rassil is not finished. There is still a little more to his story," Daren said calmly even though he looked pissed as all get out.

"This invasion is partly so the Emperor can expand the Empire westward, but it is also to bring you under his heel and use you as he intended. Melles plans to take Valdemar and Hardorn, then take over the rest of the lands of the west by using you and your Mage ability. He has come personally to find you, break you by witnessing the destruction of the Alliance forces, and then use you to conquer all," Rassil all but whispered. He then buried his head in his hands and started to sob. He felt horrible, that much was obvious.

I stood for about a minute before I could think of anyway to respond. "Why are you here? What's in it for you?" I asked venomously.

"I surrendered willingly. I could not let this battle commence without informing you of the truth. I would have come sooner but Melles has not let those of us from his inner circle out of his sight. I am sure he knows I am here, but I do not care anymore. My lady, I cannot express how truly and utterly sorry I am for bringing you here. If I had known Valdemar was not the cause of the Magic Storms, I never…" he said before bursting into tears again.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. That explanation couldn't be it. I was brought to Valdemar because Melles got power hungry and was gonna use me as a means to an end? The original plan called for me to be batting for the other team!? I looked around at those I trusted and silently asked them to tell me the truth, and they told me just as silently they believed every word Rassil had spoken.

I walked toward the entry flap, closed my eyes, and just absorbed Rassil's words. No, I couldn't believe it. No way in fucking hell was it true, yet a small voice not belonging to Shayna said, "_But it makes sense, too. Yes, it's unbelievable, but it makes sense. And you know Selenay would've ordered the Truth Spell to be cast to prove the guy wasn't lying."_

It hurt, hearing a reason for my "abduction" from home and my life being turned upside down. I had been emotionally and psychologically damaged and it was easier to deal with it when I didn't think I'd ever know the cause. But now, now that a cause had been presented…

"I can go home, though, right? You know how to operate the spell so we could figure out how to get me home, right? RIGHT?" I shouted as I turned to face Rassil again.

Talia spoke for him, as the mage was too overcome with tears. "No, I'm afraid not. Rassil said when he was first questioned the document specifically stated the Gate was one-way, and Melles ordered the document to be destroyed. Nor does he remember all the intricate details the spell called for. Jennifer, I am so sorry for you," the Queen's Own said as she stepped closer, but I brushed her off.

I turned my back again to face the tent wall. My emotional dam collapsed and I fell to my hands and knees with a howl of rage and pain. I couldn't think and it took every effort just to breathe; my lungs were heaving, trying to bring in air but were unable as I started to hyperventilate. It was all about me. The whole reason thousands of people were going to die in the next few days was because of me. It's a lot of blood on your hands.

I screamed and yelled and cried until my eyes were dry and I lost my voice. Three years worth of pent up anger, rage, frustration, guilt, hopelessness, fear, and loneliness all came spilling out at once. I Felt Talia and Elspeth place more shields around me to keep me from Projecting to the encampment, but knowing they were there made me feel worse; that I was being pitied. But I couldn't move. All I could do was scream.


	15. War, What Is It Good For?

_**Disclaimer: **_With the exception of some original characters and the plot, I own nothing else mentioned in the story.

**A/N:** Hello again to all, and welcome to the main climax of "Reality Check". I've had this chapter more or less written for awhile now and I hope it blows away any expectations you had concerning the war with the Eastern Empire. I am by no means a tactical master or really give a hoot about military maneuvers, so the description of the battle itself is sparse. But I trust many of you have vivid imaginations and can picture what it may have looked like for yourselves.

On a warm fuzzy note, I'd like to give a HUGE shout out to my two anon. reviewers, Dani and Traveller. I was really touched by what the two of you said and simply saying thank you seems so inadequate. I've been really proud of how well the story is coming together for some time, but you two really made my week. Cheers to both of ya.

With that said, I'll let ya'll get on with reading. But please no hate mail at the end, save it for the story's conclusion. ;)

_Ch. 15: War, What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!_

I don't know how long I was on the ground crying my soul out and screaming at the world, but it seemed all time had stopped just for me. I knew it was strange for Elspeth to have cast the Silence spell because I couldn't foresee any reason for it at the time. But when I stopped screaming and had some sense back the reason was obvious: it was so I could scream and grieve without anyone outside being the wiser.

After a while I was brought back to the tent I shared with Narine, where I preceded to lay on my bed in a catatonic state for the next day. Talia told Trine, Tashir, and Narine what had gone down and they did their best along with Shayna to comfort me but got nowhere. I was in too much shock to care or think and wanted to be alone. Just when I though I was really starting to heal, my heart and soul once again fell victim to the Jack the Ripper of emotions.

The only thing that brought me back from La-La Land was a meeting of all the Alliance Mages to go over a plan of action. When I got the message, a fire rose inside of me I hadn't realized was smoldering. It wasn't one of revenge, really, but of justice. If Melles thought I was going to lay down and let him take over the land I'd started to call home, he'd obviously never met a pissed off American before. The only way it was gonna happen was over my dead body, and _then _I'd come back as a ghost and haunt his ass for good measure.

Tashir escorted me to the edge of a small wooded area just outside the camp where the Mage Pow-Wow was going to take place, partly for moral support and partly because he was pissed he wasn't invited to the big reveal, saying he should have been there. We had quite the shouting match about it. I didn't see how his being there would have made a difference, and he wanted to know when I'd stop trying to do everything on my own and let him in on the big stuff. I then said he wasn't walking with me. Tashir shot back with "Too bad" and came anyway.

We reached the trees and walked toward the gaggle of mages from the various countries of the Alliance, and when we were close enough to hear voices I stopped him. "This is as far as I can let you go. Magical freaks only."

Tashir looked grim as he surveyed the crowd, his lips pursed thin. "Are you sure they won't make an exception for me?"

I stomped down on my rising anger and said, "Sweetie, it's just a planning and debriefing meeting."

"And how am I supposed to follow Kris's orders when I don't know what has been planned?" Tashir said angrily, looking for any excuse to follow. The only other time I'd seen Tashir angry was when he asked me how to win my heart, and he was just as angry now.

"Because I'll tell you what I'm to do when we're done. Until then, you're shut out of the planning because it's all gonna be Greek to you. Remember when I tried to explain baseball and how confused you were? It's gonna be like that to someone who's not a mage," I responded calmly but inside fuming. I did not need someone hovering over me all hours of the day.

Tashir's gaze transferred to me and he sighed, knowing he was going to lose our battle of wills. He took my face in his hands and looked me straight in the eye saying, "You come to me _immediately_ after the meeting, alright? You're going to tell me what your role will be and where."

"Can I have my curfew be midnight instead of 10:30?"

"_Damn it, Jennifer!!!"_

"Fine, Dad," I replied irritably, winning a slight smile from my lover.

"Smart-ass." He gave me a long kiss and shoved me toward the other mages.

There were others arriving the same time as me, but we must have been the last because the meeting started moments later. Elspeth, Firesong and Darkwind were the only mages I recognized by name standing on a fallen tree trunk serving as a make-shift stage. There was a man dressed in the garb of a Priest of Vkandis, a gryphon wearing the colors of Iftel (I ignored the mental exclamation of "Giant Bird!"), and one of Tremane's personal mages I'd seen in Shonar.

The Sun-Priest began the introductions in a trade tongue so everybody could understand, but like other languages, to me it was English spoken with an accent. That was another trick I'd developed or something that was discovered by accident. Firesong and Darkwind were discussing something one day and I'd overheard them, adding my two cents. What I didn't know was they'd been speaking Tayledras, yet I understood them, and I'd spoken up in Tayledras as well. That was one of the reasons I'd almost gotten through the Collegium in less than three years; I didn't have to learn any languages.

I looked around and saw Lytha and Jervan, both of whom had become good friends to me, not too far away. Once again ignoring the mental exclamation of "Giant Birds!", I went to join them and was greeted with gryphonic smiles and a preen from Lytha.

"How arrre you?" she asked quietly, while Jervan put a wing around me in a gryphon imitation of a hug.

"I've been better," I said with a distinct edge to my voice.

"What isss wrrrong? Doesss Tassshirrr need hisss eyesss pecked out?" Jervan said with a sly glint in his eyes.

"No, it's not him, but he ain't helping any. I'll tell you guys later." They both gave me a sideways glance having picked up on the undertone of my voice that it was something serious.

We turned our attentions back to what was being said, which was mostly strategy being explained; how each country's mages were going to do what and how it would all work together. Rassil had proven his worth and given much needed details about the Eastern Army and what to expect from the Mages. Much of their magic had been effected by the Mage Storms but they could still do more than the Alliance. With a few major exceptions, magically speaking, our two sides were fairly even. It was manpower which scared the crap out of everyone.

Then the Sun-Priest dropped the bomb that sent chills down every spine. "Mage Rassil gave us one more important detail. Emperor Melles, as an Adept-status mage, has somehow found a way to link himself to a node for unlimited power, and he's been feeding that power directly to the army in the form of physical energy and shielding. That is why the reports have said the army seems unstoppable."

Firesong added, "I have spent many days contemplating how this is possible, but found no answers. I believe what needs to be done is find a way to destroy the Emperor's link, thus weakening the energy of the army. Once that happens and if things go as the army generals hope, the Alliance army, in conjunction with us, should be able to overcome the Eastern Army."

The mages all started talking at once. Some were shouting the battle was already won, others screaming at Firesong to think harder, and others still wondering the same as me: how the hell could Melles link to a node and not burn up? Everyone there knew the longer you stayed linked to a node, the greater risk of going up like a gasoline drenched torch.

Then a light bulb appeared over my head, complete with mental 'ding'. _That's it! Burn!_

"FIRESONG, MELLES IS MINE!" I bellowed over the countless heads, quieting everyone at the drop of a hat.

"Who sssaid that?" hissed the Iftelian gryphon while scanning the crowd for the source of the shout.

I pushed my way to the front of the crowd, revealing my person to the speakers. They all looked confused and I repeated myself. The fire of justice burned stronger inside me as I knew this was my moment to show them payback was going to be a bitch. "That diabolical son of a bitch, Melles, is mine."

Elspeth started saying in a low voice revenge was not going to serve any purpose and Firesong said more loudly he was planning on trying to take out Melles himself, but I cut them both off.

"Elspeth, yes this is personal, but it isn't a revenge trip," I said hurriedly to her, then turned to Mardi Gras Man. "And Firesong, I have every confidence you can take Melles out one way or another, but the odds are more in my favor. I'm better than you. I can do this. Call it a…_burning_ desire to do so," I stated dramatically, placing careful emphasis. Darkwind caught on first with a whispered "_Yes!" _and looks of triumph dawned on my other two teachers' faces as well.

I grinned evilly. "The sand in his hourglass just ran out, baby. That asshole is mine."

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Four days later I was absolutely terrified at the sight stretching out before me

The terrain just south of the cluster of mountains called the Middle Barrier was hilly and rocky, which wasn't all that great for waging war, but would have been picturesque under different circumstances. The Alliance military force was placed at the bottom of a hill before one of the few flat stretches of land in the area, facing south-east, and the Eastern Army was just coming into view.

I had been watching them come closer for some time via my Farsight and what I saw made my blood run cold. The army was huge, and I couldn't even begin to guess how many times larger it was than the Alliance. It was almost like someone was slowly pouring black sand down a slope as they came over one of the smaller hills; a creeping infestation accompanied by the sounds of clanking armor and steel.

The mages were spread throughout the army, so every three or four units had a mage to help protect them. I was towards the back with Tashir and Trine, and I was hiding both physically and magically. Until then I didn't think my ability to hide my Gifts would really come in handy, but the day before I Felt the searching probe of the Eastern Mages and decided the best defense for me was to Hide in plain sight. On the outside I was indistinguishable from any other mage, so unless Melles was going to come looking through the Alliance troops for me personally, he wasn't going to find me.

The back was also the safest place for my role in this battle. I was going to take out Melles by finding the node he'd linked to and burn it, thus sending the flames back on him. I had never tried that before and Tashir was livid I'd try something with so much potential to go wrong, but I was sure I'd succeed, and if possible I'd try and turn the flames on the other Eastern Mages as well.

I couldn't see when they stopped marching forward, but I could hear it when they did. About a minute later I heard what must have been Melles' war herald come forth and speak. The man's voice was loud enough everyone could hear him. My guess was he was using magic to Project his voice.

_"Army of the Nation of Hardorn and her allies. By appearing here today you openly declare war on the Eastern Empire and his Majesty, Emperor Melles. And by aligning yourselves with the Nation of Valdemar, who is known to be responsible for the Storms the Empire suffered from most brutally, and who stole a weapon that rightfully belonged to his Majesty, we have no choice but to invade your lands for the safety of the Empire. Surrender now, and the penalties enacted against you will be just, or fight and be conquered."_

I clenched my jaw and hands around Shayna's reigns in rage. _Valdemar stole a weapon that_ _rightfully belonged to the Empire?! He did not just spew that shit and believe it. Melles kidnapped me for his own sick and twisted world domination ploy and the Alliance is the one defending themselves from YOU! _I didn't hear what the Alliance said in response but I heard a roar of agreement swell up around me. It was Go Time.

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It's one thing to see war on TV or in pictures because you're removed from the situation and have the luxury of knowing you're safe at home. You're still touched by the images of blown-out buildings and homes, bloody bodies lying in the streets, and the sounds of semi-automatic gunfire, sirens, and people screaming for their lives. Until Sept. 11th, for a majority of the American people those images and sounds were abstract concepts, yet there was still an element of personal dislocation because the nation saw the events in New York and Washington unfold on TV and in the newspapers.

But to see war, not a terrorist attack, but pure war being carried out before your eyes leaves you hollow. There were no wailing emergency sirens from firetrucks, police cars, or ambulances rushing to the center of a disaster. No rat-a-tat-tat of gunfire aimed at an enemy. There were no buildings to blow up.

The only sounds I heard carried in the air that day were the sounds of the wounded or dying, the barking of orders either vocally or through Mindspeech, the clang of sword against sword or armor, and the periodic blasts of the cannons the Artificers had made. There was plenty for my eyes to see too. I don't remember most of it due to the gruesome nature, but I saw more blood that day than in all of Quentin Tarantino's movies combined. As it was, I half expected to hear someone yell, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning!"

At the beginning of the battle I became more focused in what needed to be done then I ever thought possible. I wasn't able to seek out Melles right away as I was called to another part of the battle to help other mages, but I knew the longer we fought the more urgent the need to take him out. After some time I was sent behind friendly lines to do my part: fry Melles like a char-broiled steak.

Somewhere in the fighting I'd been separated from Tashir by the crash of people, but I didn't have time to look for him. He'd been trained by a retired Skybolt and was one of the best fighters in any of the Collegiums so I was sure he could take care of himself, but part of me was worried sick. I pushed the thoughts from my immediate mind and Shayna and I ran off to find a semi-quiet place to work.

We went to the top of one of the surrounding hills so I could get a look at what was going on below. It was absolute chaos. I jumped off Shayna's back and fell to the ground, immediately switching to Mage-Sight so I could see the intricate network of ley-lines and nodes sporadically situated throughout the landscape. I had to find Melles and the node he was using. I found him easy enough, but I had hit a snag.

_:Do you see anything yet, Chosen?:_

_:No, Melles' mages are using the nodes and ley-lines here, but I don't see the one he's using!:_

_:How is that possible?!:_

"Shay, you're askin' me to explain the craziness of your world? Come on." I sat down and thought for a little bit, trying to ignore the sounds of the battle below. "The power's coming from a node, if Rassil was telling the truth, but not from a local node. Just how far away is the one he's tapped into then?"

_:Is he powerful enough to draw power from over the border?: _Shay asked worriedly.

"That's the only explanation. Watch my back and I'll look."

I focused back into Mage-Sight, invoked Farsight and followed the network of power running through the earth to the east. Because Melles had to have been using a distant node, it was harder to follow his trail back to the source. I'd almost have to come across it by accident or have an idea where all the powerful nodes were in the Empire.

I Crossed the border and was pulled deeper into enemy territory. I didn't think I could reach the Heartstone back in Haven and yet I was almost half the distance to the Palace, only in the opposite direction. _This guy's better than we thought. Damn, this better work._

Finally, I found it. I stumbled upon a node so huge I was almost blinded by its power, and smack in the middle was Melles' link. Where all other nodes glowed a bright clear white, the one he used was opaque and slightly yellow. He has severed all but one large ley line and was using that energy to fuel his men. _Not for long, dip-shit._

I formed a psychic-knife and cut through the remaining line like a hot knife through butter, then threw up the strongest magic and physical shield I could around the node. I concentrated as hard as I could to make the node 'solid', and lit the match.

I didn't have to open my eyes to know the pillar of fire that reached the heavens had momentarily halted the fight. For a brief moment the clanging of metal on metal stopped and screams of terror, not pain, punctuated the air. I heard the sounds of running in all directions and new orders being issued, but saw nothing as I collapsed in weakness and pain.

_:Jennifer! Are you alright?: _Shayna yelled.

"Yeah, never better," I said dryly as I held my head in my hands and tried not to throw up with the realization I'd just killed the Emperor. I heard horse hooves galloping my way and someone vault off its back and pull me close.

"Gods, when I couldn't find you I thought you'd been killed! Then I saw the pillar of fire..." Tashir murmured into my hair. I clung to him like my life depended on it and silently thanked any of the numerous Velgarth deities listening.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I looked him over. His blue military uniform was splattered with blood and looked exhausted, but otherwise unharmed. He nodded and I kissed him fiercely. "I was so worried when I lost track of you down there, but I had to leave..."

"I know, it's alright," he said and we both looked to see if taking Melles out of the equation was doing any good. I'm no tactical planner and so the movements of the fighting troops meant nothing to me, but it was obvious to anyone while I had helped make the Eastern Army more vulnerable, it wasn't by any means enough. They were literally and figuratively killing the Alliance out there.

I then saw a couple more Companions coming up to where Tashir, Shayna, and I were, revealing themselves to be Gwena carrying Elspeth and Darkwind and Trine and his Companion Aryon. Trine jumped down form Aryon at a run and helped me to my feet.

"Was that you?!" my friend cried in disbelief.

"Yup. You can now officially count Melles out of the picture because that small bonfire was him. Did it help at all?" I said breathlessly, leaning on Trine for support.

"Not that we can see yet," Darkwind said grimly as Vree came down on his shoulder. The bondbird tilted his head and looked at me.

_:Hurt?:_ Vree asked.

_:No, not hurt. Tired.:_ I answered simply.

"Can we do anything to turn this battle around, because it looks like a lost cause?" Tashir asked Elspeth.

"I don't know. Kero and the others came up with every battle plan they could but we're being overwhelmed by the sheer size of the Empire. Firesong thinks the only thing left if a Final Strike," she said sadly.

"There has to be something, we can not give up just yet," Darkwind said. "We were able to overcome Falconsbane and Ancar at once, so we have to be able to think of something now."

I looked down the hill to the bloody and war-torn field and saw the situation as virtually hopeless. Maybe Firesong was right, and he and I should ride into the battle and call Final Strike, effectively wiping out everyone. That may be the only way. Suddenly, I was hit by an idea that was either brilliantly simple, or downright suicidal.

"No, I don't think it's over yet," I said quietly as I stepped away from Trine, mesmerized by the violence unfolding before me. "I think I still have an ace up my sleeve." _If I can pull this off, then it'll be a rout on our part. The Empire's army will have suffered the biggest blow we could deliver and turn back. If not, I'll be dead and take quite a few of both sides with me._

"What are you talking about, Jennifer? If this goes on any longer there'll be nothing of the Alliance forces left! What can you do to turn the tide?" Trine cried in frustration. I couldn't blame him. We were loosing ground every second and soon the war would be lost.

"Elspeth, have Gwena send a message to every single troop out there and tell them to fall back and retreat on my signal. I've got one shot and I want to make sure as many of our people are out of there as possible." My heart was starting to pound from the adrenaline and knowledge of what I was going to do was something incredibly stupid.

"Jennifer, what are you going to do?" Darkwind's voice was dangerously low and tinged with worry, but his eyes shone with a fear I'd never expected to see coming from one of the strongest people I knew.

"Something either stupid or brilliant, but in attempt to save you all," I replied gravely.

I looked at Tashir and felt my heart break. His brown eyes silently screamed for me to tell him I wasn't going to leave; that I would stay so he could protect me, but somehow knew I was going.

"I'm sorry, and I love you," I whispered and quickly pressed my lips to his, Projecting a rapport so strong and deep it left nothing to the imagination. All my love, and all the words I'd never had the chance or courage to say, I made sure he felt in that one moment.

I pulled away giving him one last long look then jumped on Shay, forcing her into the fasted gallop she could muster. There was a large empty hill about a half-mile away with a better view, and hence shot, at the battlefield; that was our destination. The screams of the dying and the clang of swinging swords rang in my ears as Shayna ran, serving as constant reminders of what I was trying to stop. No more innocent people had to die, no more meaningless blood spilled just because some power hungry fool decided he wanted more. I was going to stop it or die trying.

I got down when we reached the top of the designated hill, staggering a little from the reaction headache setting in. My head was pounding, but it would be nothing to the pain I'd feel if I survived my next stunt.

_:ELSPETH! TELL THE TROOPS TO FALL BACK NOW!!:_

Minutes later, thousands of men were running back towards our lines. The Eastern Army was confused: some of them were rushing forward to follow the Alliance retreat while the rest tried to reform in order to take advantage of the change. But they wouldn't get far.

"Shayna, I know you Companions sometimes know when they Choose their Herald how they will die. Is this it for us?" I asked, resting my head on hers for a moment while I regained my balance.

_:I honestly don't know, Chosen. I've never seen an end for us.:_

"Is there a chance we'll live, then?"

_:By the Goodness of the Goddess, I hope so.:_

"I'm scared."

_:As am I.:_

_:I love you, you stupid, talking horse.:_

_:And I you, you ignorant and arrogant American.:_

Taking one last deep breath, and Grounding and Centering myself, I turned back towards the battlefield. Extending my hands and focusing with every ounce of my own strength and Shayna's, I threw up another physical and magical shield around as much of the Eastern Army as I could. The dome enclosure was large enough to contain a little over two-thirds of the army that was still organized, while the rest had either already broken off from their commands or were headed in the opposite direction. Little matter.

Closing my eyes once again, I reached with mental hands to the nearest and largest node I could find, bracing and opening myself fully to the rush of pure, red hot energy that coursed through my body. Yet somehow it didn't hurt. To help give me the time and patience needed to collect the right amount for my energy blast, I recited the favorite spell of sorceress Lina Inverse from the anime _Slayers_. I thought it was fitting.

"_Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows.  
Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows.  
I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand,  
Before this might gift bestowed in my unworthy hands.  
May the fools who stand before me be destroyed  
By the power you and I possess."_

I opened my eyes and whispered the last two words before releasing the onslaught of power. "Dragon Slave."

Raw node energy ripped through my hands and burned every fiber of my body. It felt like I had been thrown into the sun yet wasn't allowed to die. I don't know if I screamed or not for all I could hear was a deafening rush. The blast hit the shield, piercing it but not shattering. It held for a few moments before the top of the dome blew open, allowing the energy to dissipate into the sky. Incredibly I still had an iota of control, so I cut my tie to the node which effectively turned off the blast. I knew nothing more after that.


	16. See! I'm Okay!

_**Disclaimer:**_ I own nothing but the plot of this story and any characters you've never read about in the _Heralds of Valdemar_ series. Any money I have now or will make in the future gets to pay off student loans, so don't sue me because you won't get anything.

**A/N:** Greetings everybody and welcome to Ch. 16! I know I ended the last chapter on a very evil note, and I have to say I was a little surprised how most of my reviewers thought Jennifer was dead. It kinda made me laugh. As I said a couple chapters ago, I still have a little bit more of the story to tell so there was no way I could kill Jenn off right then. Will I later? I can't say because I want to read the hate mail I'm gonna get concerning the ending. ;D Only three more chapters to go.

Thank you so much to all of you leaving reviews because I really love reading them. I want MORE!!!!! So if you've made it this far and not introduced yourself yet, please do so. I adore hearing from all of you and the comments I've been getting lately have been fantastic, so keep them coming.

Okay, no more rambling. On with the show!

**2/11 ****Edit:** I added a couple sentences to the very beginning since Traveller, one of my reviewers, more or less made the comment the first three paragraphs don't work. Hopefully they do now because I didn't want to take them out since I feel they give a little more insight to what goes on in Jennifer's head.

_Ch. 16: See! I'm Okay!_

I thought I was dead. I really did. And when one dies there are certain things they are conditioned to believe they will see or experience, usually on a religious level. Now, I consider myself a spiritual person, but not religious. However, I am a product of a fairly Christian upbringing so I do believe in Heaven and Hell. I'm still kinda up in the air about God. I believe there is something bigger and better than humans in the universe because A) the universe is too big for us to be the only ones, thus I truly believe in aliens, and B) it's always made more sense to me for aliens to exist than God. If we on Earth are the most intelligent beings in the universe, that thought's scary as hell 'cause we're stupid! Either way, it could be God up there or it could be aliens. I don't know, that's just my crazy-ass thought, and I'll find out when I die.

I also believe in some semblance of an afterlife. Whether it's spending eternity in Heaven or Hell, or more of a Hindu reincarnation thing, I don't know. Personally I'm for reincarnation so I can come back as a well pampered house pet. Think about it. You'd really only have three worries: who's gonna feed you, who's gonna pay attention to you, and where are you gonna take a shit? Sounds good to me!

And to get to said afterlife, there would be a bright, shiny, comforting light showing you where to go. And from what I'd learned in my Religions class at the Collegium, the Havens and Christian Heaven sounded very much alike, complete with said bright light leading you there.

I didn't have any of that. For what felt like an eternity I was surrounded by nothing but inky black darkness, soul searing pain, and echoing silence. I was in my body, but was unable to move, scream, or even cry. It almost looked like a cheesy scene from a science fiction movie except there was no white fog and nobody was poppin' out to tell me anything. I was alone, scared, and lost in the dark. All I could do was pray to Whatever or Whoever was listening to show me a way out. Finally, something did. I saw the bright light and was pulled toward it.

I was able to move again, but the soul searing pain remained and I knew if I was in Heaven I would feel nothing but peace. I must have been alive. Along with the pain came the distant sound of voices and movement, but nothing recognizable. Soon I let the pain overtake me and I fell back into the darkness, but the light still shone like a beacon, calling me back.

The next time I reached the light I was able to open my eyes and uttered a barely audible moan. My eyes could make out no definite shapes, but I could see the gray of stone walls and a dark brown blob that must have been a door. At my moan I saw a flash of green over me and then the welcome cooling mental sensation of pain blocks going up. The mind-touch was familiar and brought with it a name: Nia.

I don't know how long I was like that, seemingly hanging in the balance between life and death, but slowly the fight to live won out. Colors became shapes, noises became familiar, as did faces and one constant link in the back of my mind. Shayna was still there and alright.

Sometimes my conscious moments would be a little clearer than others and I'd wonder why I was still alive. I knew going up to the hill to release such a massive amount of node energy was a dumb idea and I'd probably die, because that's what all the great Heralds do, right? They make some self sacrificing decision an end up six feet under, if there was anything left bury. But I was alive! What the hell?

Not that I wasn't glad I was still breathing, don't get me wrong. But I was even too weak to Mindspeak with Shayna and felt worse than I had when I'd first arrived in Valdemar three years previous. Shayna "told" me though mental images and thoughts I was severely hurt and had been moved to Shonar with the rest of the injured for better care. Nia was there, as were Trine and a couple other Healers; they had volunteered to stay behind and nurse me back to health as the rest of the Valdemaran Army and Heralds went home.

But the most important thing she "told" me was I had done it. My version of the Dragon Slave had won the war and seemingly all but wiped out the over 200,000 man strong army of the once feared Eastern Empire. The Alliance came out victorious because Melles' presumed 'toy' came back and bit him in the ass. It was impossible to know what that meant in the long run for the Empire, but hopefully I hadn't gone and made things worse. With any luck the regional governors of the Empire would take over, forming small independent nations and leave Hardorn and the West the hell alone!

I personally had no concept of passing time since I wasn't always aware and awake, and the room I was in had no windows to the outside, but according to Shayna I'd been unconscious for almost a month. All of the wounded Heralds, Shin'a'in, or Tayladras had already been sent home via Gate, but I remained in Shonar due to my extra sensitivity to magic. If anyone so much as cast a shield spell within five yards of me, I'd go into convulsions because I'd burned my Mage Gift pathway so badly by acting as a conduit for so much pure energy. I wasn't going anywhere for a while.

As the days passed into weeks, I slowly regained my strength and "reality" began to sink in. It may have been in defense of myself and countless others, but I was a murderer. Thousands of families on both sides of the battle had lost a loved one because of me, either because their nation was aligned with the one I happened to be in or their emperor had delusions of grandeur. It's a horrible feeling to have that much blood on your hands, and even worse to know there was absolutely nothing you could've done about it.

The war had occurred during the middle of August and it was roughly the middle of October before I was deemed healthy enough to head back to Haven. I was still pretty sensitive to Mage energies, but Nia said I'd survive the Gate trip back with probably nothing more than a massive headache and I'd have to continue to take it easy for awhile after we got back.

Nia came and told me one day that we were expected to be in Haven in three days so I better start relaxing concentrate on getting better. I know I'm not the best patient in the world and if I sit around with nothing to do for very long I start going stir-crazy. But I'd been giving everyone a hard time by trying to do things at normal speed. I thought I had more energy than I did, and thus was getting frustrated when I couldn't do something or was told I couldn't. I don't like being treated like an invalid and that was exactly what was happening.

"Jennifer, by the Gods, if you don't sit down and rest you'll be in no condition to travel!" Nia yelled at me as she entered my room. When I woke up from my coma and was able to stay awake for more than two hours I was moved to a comfortable room in the small palace (or would large keep be more accurate?) King Tremane lived in so I could recover in peace. When Nia came in I had been trying to move an incredibly heavy yet insanely comfortable chair over to a large window so I could use the light to read, but I hadn't gotten anywhere with it.

"I'm fine, it's just this damn thing is heavier than I thought," I puffed back, trying to pull the chair a few inches toward the window. Instead my foot slipped, causing me to fall on my ass rather painfully. "OW! Jesus Christ, that hurt!"

"Well that's what you get for trying to do something you _know_ you're not strong enough to do yet," Nia scolded as she helped me up. "You could have asked one of the guards outside to help you and then you wouldn't have hurt your rump as well."

"Nia, chill for crap sake. I'm fine. Just losing a battle with an armchair, which I find ironic since I wiped out almost an entire army," I scoffed as I sat in said victorious chair. _You may have won this battle, oh mighty cousin of the Lay-Z-Boy, but when Nia leaves we're having Round 2._

"If you've lost a battle with a chair, it means you don't have the strength or energy to spare with physical exertion. And if you're not well enough to go back to Haven then I'll have to explain to the Queen why we won't be coming home in three days," she said and leveled me with an arched glare, giving the impression she was lording over me from her standing position.

"We're going back in three days?" I asked a bit taken aback.

"When you're not being stupid and using energy you don't have, there's no reason why we can't head home. I can put up some pain blocks to help with most of the pain the Gate will undoubtedly cause, but if you can survive acting as a living conduit for node energy I'm positive you can survive the trip home relatively unscathed," Nia stated in a very matter of fact tone.

"And if I continue to be stupid?"

"Then both Queen Selenay and Consort Daren have given Kris permission to come through and drag you back unconscious."

_:AND you'll have Tashir and I to answer to as well, Chosen.:_

"Oh God, the horror," I winced.

"And I'm sure Tashir will have a few things to say as well. Of course that will be after Shayna, myself, Trine, and most everyone on the Council rips you to shreds for being thick," Nia continued grimly.

"So do we leave three days from today, or is it three including today?" I asked with a sigh.

"Three from today, so if you want that chair moved I suggest you ask one of the guards to help you," she said pointedly, "or you can just sit on a pillow _in_ the window instead. If you hadn't noticed, the sill is large enough for a person to sit comfortably."

"And even though the sun is warm and shining, the stones are still colder than crap and you know I like to be snuggly warm when I read," I said, trying to feebly justify moving the chair.

"Jennifer, there are plenty of pillows in this room for you to sit on and protect you from the cold stones, as are there plenty of blankets to cover yourself with," Nia countered.

"It's always about details with you isn't it?" I was deliberately being a smart-ass now, partly because it was fun being able to tease Nia like that, and because I knew she knew I was okay if I was able to talk back like that.

"Oh that's it. If you want to banter with someone I'm going to find Trine. _I_ have better things to do than argue with you," Nia replied irritably, but I could see the humor in her eyes and a smile twitching on her lips. Seeing that just goaded me more.

"And pillows get flat if you sit on them for too long while the chair is more comfortable and less lumpy…" I started to whine, but Nia cut me off with a shout of mixed frustration and laughter and marched out of the room. I sat in the chair a little while longer, feeling a little guilty because I _did_ know better than to try and move the piece of monstrous furniture. However, I thought I was nearly back to normal and could argue I was merely testing my limits.

_:Jennifer, you know that argument won't work. Now you either ask of the guards to move the chair for you or you should toss some lumpy pillows on the sill and, what have you said before…suck it up.:_ Shayna said tartly

"But I don't wanna," I pouted.

_:Oh, I'm definitely going to tell Tashir how difficult you've been.:_

"Meanie."

_:Stupid.:_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I did eventually get the chair moved, and by my own volition thank you very much. I knew I could do it, but it did, however, take much. _much_ longer than originally anticipated. And so it was a short lived victory because I had to abandon the Lay-Z-Boy cousin the next day. Yes, it took me two days to move a chair which weighed probably about fifty pounds (I said it was insanely heavy), roughly twenty feet. I know, I know, Nia was right and I should have asked for help, but I proved I could do it. And no, she was not happy with me. Neither was Trine when Nia told him, but he laughed and got over it.

Anyway, the day after I got the chair moved was the day we were to Gate back to Valdemar. I was nervous as to how my body would react when the Gate was established, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was my own stupid trick that had made me overly-sensitive to magic and I was going to have to ride it out.

As promised, Nia put up pain-blocks and one of King Tremane's personal physicians that had come with him during Tremane's "invasion" attempt years before, gave me a drink of something that was supposed to help dull sensitivity to magic even more than pain-blocks. So as a result I was feeling _pretty_ woozy and unsteady on my feet while waiting for the Gate terminus to be established.

"How are you feeling, my stubborn friend?" Trine asked as he walked up beside me. We were outside in a courtyard, standing before the Permanent Gate arch in the early afternoon sun. Shay was acting as a support post as I had both my arms draped over her back in effort to stay erect with my chin resting on her side.

I flopped my head over to look and Trine and smiled when I saw his expression. It was clear he was trying so hard not to laugh at me and I couldn't blame him. I was out of it.

"I feel………weird. My, my, my, head feels………..swirly and if I, I, I didn't know better…..I'd say I was um….a….um…." I stammered slowly as Trine attempted to stifle a laugh. "Ya know what? Fuck it. I'm...higher than...a kite right now."

Trine finally laughed aloud at my behavior. "I can tell! What in Havens did Tremane's Healer give you?"

I looked at him for a moment before responding. Not because I was trying to figure out the answer, but because my thought patterns were that messed up. "Ya know, I ..don't…..know. Not that I know from……experience,…but….if I had…to guess I would say I would…..probably say liquid Pot. Only I don't have the munchies," I replied slowly.

Trine laughed harder. "Good Gods, is this what you're like drunk? Because if so then we _must_ try it some day. Bright Lady, His Highness would die if he saw you like this!"

"Yup, I know. Kris would...freak. I'm only glad you people don't have...video cameras or the..internet here, otherwise I'd really be screwed," I said a little more normally. This comment earned me a confused expression from my friend and it was my turn to laugh at him. No, not laugh, giggle. "I'll explain sometime when I'm sober," and I reached out to tweak his nose.

Trine dissolved into a heap of laughter with that and some of the other people loitering around came over to make sure everything was alright. He assured them things were fine, and at that moment the mage that was going to set up the Gate came into the yard.

Like every other person in Tremane's personal circle, this guy was older, about sixty or so, with the white hair and piercing blue eyes that seemed to mark every mage, and dressed in a long, flowing blue robe. But as usual, I was the exception to the rule. When I saw myself in a mirror for the first time after I woke up, I fully expected to be a bleach-blond with bluer eyes; not so. The only thing different about me was my bangs were now white, making me look more like Rouge from the X-Men than anything. I thought it was pretty kick-ass.

"Are you ready to return home, my dear friends?" the mage asked. "I am to apologize for His Majesty's absence, as he greatly desired to see you off, but he must attend to some urgent matters."

"That is quite alright, Mage Kellen," Trine replied graciously, slipping into diplomatic mode. "I believe we are ready to leave, so as soon as you are ready to establish the Gate, we shall be on our way." Trine then turned to me and Nia, who was standing behind me now. "Are you girls ready?"

Nia nodded and I simply said, "Am I ever ready for this stuff?"

Shayna then knelt down and allowed me to mount, and Trine and the other Healers strapped me into the saddle. If I was going to go into convulsions because of the Gate, I at least wasn't going to fall off Shay and crack my head. When they finished, Kellen nodded and began.

I instantly Felt the spell being set up and it _hurt like hell!_ It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it still sucked. I clenched my jaw, closed my eyes, and did my best to bear with the pain.

_:Are you going to be alright?:_

_:I think I'll live.:_

_:It will be over soon, love, and then we'll be home.:_

_:Hope so.:_

The final jolt of energy that anchored the Gate to the other terminus sent the most painful jolt down my spine and through my head that I'd felt in ages. Then I felt Shay move forward, with each step the pain getting a little stronger, and then I felt my stomach drop and a strange feeling of nothingness. As suddenly as it came, I heard Shay's hoof beats on ground again and voices telling her to continue toward the Palace so they could get me to bed.

By then my head was pounding so much I was seeing stars and heard rushing in my ears. I vaguely remember sensing the clasps on the saddle being undone and someone pulling me off into their arms. I momentarily opened my eyes to see who had me, and grinned weakly when I saw who it was.

"I have a lot to say to you," Kris said warmly, his brown eyes shining with relief.

"I'm sure you do. But I'm high and I hurt, so can it wait?"

"It can. Let's get you better first." With that he carried me into the building and down a long passage way I didn't really recognize.

"Where are you taking me? This isn't the Healers?" I asked groggily.

"To your new suite in the Heraldic Wing. No more rooming in the Collegium for you now that you're a full Herald. Tashir and I moved your things, and when you're feeling better you can set it up more to your liking," Kris said. We'd reached a spiraling stair case and with the help of a couple other Heralds I was carried up to the room I'd chosen before I left for the war. It was one of the other tower rooms, just like Talia had at first, and I chose it for the same reason: privacy. Plus, living in a set of tower rooms is a fantasy _every _girl wants.

The door to my rooms was opened and Kris carried me over the threshold and into the bedroom. He carefully lay me down on the bed and pulled off my boots, then gently covered me up.

"Get some rest and I'll yell at you later," Kris said quietly and showed himself out. I didn't need telling twice, as I was asleep within moments.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up, presumably hours later, I found I wasn't alone in my bed anymore. I had been awakened by the feather-light sensation of something on my lips, and when I opened my eyes, it was to such a welcome sight my eyes started to well up with tears.

"So this is where you've been hiding, my fair one. I thought you ran away," Tashir whispered softly, using what I recognized to be two of my most hated (and now secretly loved) pick up lines from when I first started yelling at him.

"I did, but I came back," I replied just as softly as a tear rolled out the corner of my eye.

"I thought I'd lost you," he said, his voice cracking a little with emotion as he wiped away my fallen tear. "I tried to follow you up the hill, then you let loose that node blast and I thought for sure you were dead."

"I thought I was too, but I couldn't see another way to win."

Tashir then gave me a kiss so deep and so full of love, he literally took my breath away. I don't know how long we kissed, but I didn't care because the man I loved was alright and with me again. I could have died happy right then and there.

"I knew I couldn't do anything for you if I stayed, so I made Nia and Trine promise to take good care of you and bring you back safe. I see I have a lot to thank them for," Tashir said when we finally pulled apart.

"I wasn't a very good patient, so don't be surprised when Nia goes off on a tangent," I said with a slight smile.

"I wouldn't expect the woman who will take anyone to task for something she doesn't like to be a good patient," he laughed. "I love you, Jennifer. And though I know I cannot possibly ask you to never do anything like that again, I can ask that you never again do it in front of me."

Tashir then crawled into bed, wrapping me in his arms for the first time in months and I reveled in the feeling of him next to me. I was alive, Valdemar and her allies were safe, a major threat had been taken out, and I had my man next to me. Life was now officially good.


	17. Finally Moving Forward

_**Disclaimer: **_As much as I'd like to, I make no money off this story. And even if I did it wouldn't be enough for me to do anything with. This is only for fun and as a procrastination device.

**A/N:** Salvate! If any of you know Latin then you should recognize that word as "Greetings!" As promised way back when, I've kept my update to within a two-week waiting period. The reason it's been two weeks instead of one: midterms suck. And the one I have on Monday is going to kick my ass, so if I don't update ever again after this, it's because the midterm did me in. No, it's not my Latin midterm, but that class in general sucks right now too. If only I didn't want a Classics minor...

Anyway, here's my Valentiney chapter that's more focused on Jennifer and Tashir's relationship. I was hoping to get this up for V-Day, but oh well.

P.S.- Danni, I hope this clears up your confusion.

_Ch. 17: Finally Moving Forward_

The next morning I awoke to find the sun streaming in my window from an odd angle, one that signified it was early afternoon. When I realized what time it was I wasn't surprised to find myself alone, but I was surprised to find note on the pillow next to me where Tashir had been the night before.

_Good morning, or more likely, Good afternoon, my Dragon Heart. Rarely  
have I been privileged to witness the sleeping form of someone as lovely as  
yourself. Were I a master of paints instead of words and music, I would  
capture your magnificent beauty and display it for the world to acknowledge  
no woman could ever be your equal. The heavenly white of your hair defines  
you as a fallen goddess rather than a mere mortal, and the blue pools under  
your closed lids further betray your earthly origins. Words cannot express,  
though their master I may be, how I loathe to leave you this morn, however you  
know better than I the call of duty. But I shall return, sleeping Goddess of  
beauty and my heart, confident to find you well and rested, and just as eager for  
my return to your side as I._

_My love is forever yours._

_That_ woke me up, I assure you. Charm was Tashir's specialty and he knew how to use it to his full advantage because I turned to mush. I smiled and giggled like a school girl when I read it, but I couldn't help rolling my eyes too. Man, he was laying it on thick!

_:Good afternoon, Jennifer, and welcome back to the land of the living. Are you feeling better after a good night's sleep?:_ Shayna asked brightly.

_:Hey, Shay. Not too bad really, but then I just woke up.:_

_:I would think you'd feel better than "not too bad" after waking up to that note.: _she scoffed.

_:Well, yeah, but I'm still feeling the effects of the Gate so that's putting a bit of a damper on how I feel at the moment.:_ I pointed out to her. I looked at the note in my hands and smiled again. _:Shayna, what did I do to deserve him?:_

_:Do people really need to deserve someone's love?: _Shay replied.

_:No, not really. But it's humbling to know he could have anyone he wants and yet continues to put up with me. I just feel like I need to have done something to deserve it.:_

Shayna chuckled mentally and sent me a torrent of love, which I returned. _:You did nothing to deserve me and I love you, nor will you ever have to prove your worth. Anyway this is becoming more of a conversation you should have with Tashir when he comes back from teaching in a few candlemarks. Go make yourself presentable as the fallen goddess he claims you are. Though I'm more apt to call you a lesser demon.: _

"Oh shut up, Mr. Ed," I said with a laugh, and she rewarded me with a mental raspberry in good humor.

I crawled out of bed and somehow found the energy to get myself a bath and dressed. By the time I dragged myself back upstairs I was ready to fall asleep for the next week. Instead I opted to collapse in my window seat which contained some plump light blue and green pillows I'd made, a warm blanket and one of my favorite books. The window was just big enough for me to curl up on the thick padding comfortably and allow another person to sit. I made a mental note to thank either Kris or Tashir for setting up my reading corner.

Not only was privacy one of the reasons I chose that room, but because there was a huge built-in bookcase next to the window. It wasn't the library area I'd always wanted, but it was good enough for me and my plethora of books.

I was able to stay awake for a little while but eventually slipped into a doze, which was how Tashir found me when he came back.

"I was expecting to still find you in bed," he said quietly as he placed some white hair behind my right ear, bringing me out of my semi-conscious state. Tashir was sitting next to me on the seat, and I must have been pretty out of it if I didn't feel him sit down.

"Nope, not after waking up to find that note you left," I answered with a sleepy smile, which made him beam with pride. "Plus, I was more or less under orders from Shay to drag my butt out of bed."

_:I said no such thing.:_

_:Are you eavesdropping on a private conversation?:  
_

_:You're twisting my words so I have a right to defend myself.:_

_:I am not!:_

_:I beg to differ, Chosen.:  
_

Tashir started laughing which brought my attention back to him. "What's so funny?" I asked.

"Your face," he laughed. "Shayna must have said something you didn't appreciate because you acquired a rather amusing expression."

"She decided she was going to start an argument," I said sourly.

_:I was only trying to defend myself from having my words taken out of context.: _Shay shot back in feigned haughtiness.

"And there she goes again!" I cried in amusement. "Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, and people wonder why I have a contextual problem with Mindspeech. The voices in your head aren't supposed to argue back."

"Well, they do now," Tashir laughed and kissed me gently. "If you can argue with your Companion I know you're feeling well, so the next question is have you eaten?" he asked.

"I had a servant send something to the bath for me, so yes. Anyway, who do I thank for getting my reading window all set up? You or Kris?" I asked earnestly as I motioned to our seat.

"Kris, I'm afraid to admit," Tashir said almost ashamed. "He asked me to help him move your things up here, saying he had some things he wanted to talk to me about. I meant to take charge of your books, but Kris got to them first."

I gave him a confused look. "And you weren't okay with that?"

Tashir took my book from me and held my hands, staring at them and not saying anything for a while. "I should have been there yesterday when you came home, but I was detained in a meeting and couldn't get away. And Kris managed to set up your reading corner just as you prefer before I could," he sighed, letting the silence drift over us.

"He still loves you. And even though he knows you've chosen to be with me, I think he believes you'll change your mind. He didn't come out and say as much, but it's obvious in everything he does for you." Tashir paused again for a moment. "I should have been there when you came home. _I_ should have been the one to set up your reading corner. _I _should have been there for you, and yet it was Kris." His eyes met mine, and I could see how much that knowledge tore him up inside. "You could have a prince, and be a princess. But you chose me. Why?"

I was shocked, to say the least. For someone who seemed so confident in our relationship, I realized for the first time Tashir had the same fears as I did about us. I figured he was the strong one in the relationship, so certain about us. Apparently I was wrong.

I cupped his face in my hands and drew him close for another kiss, this time however, Projecting every ounce of love and happiness I felt when we were together. Tashir responded in kind, but when we pulled apart I could still see the doubt in his eyes. I was prepared for that.

"Did it ever occur to you, that it doesn't take a royal title to make a girl feel like a princess? That maybe a good part of the reason I haven't fallen for him is _because_ of the title? Could you see the two of us together, considering the way we fight? Or us married and me as Co-Consort?" I asked seriously. That got a skeptical laugh out of him. "I agree, fat chance. It could get too ugly, too quick.

"You make me feel like a Princess whenever you sweep me off my feet. You get me. You _understand_ me in ways nobody _ever _has, not even Shannon, my best friend growing up. You know I'm messed up and you don't try to fix me, but you do try to help me cope. I've never had to pretend around you because I know _you see me._" I was starting to cry a little now but if it helped drive home what I was trying to say, that was cool. And it seemed to be working. "I don't think you see me as a Herald, or a Mage, or whatever anyone else does. I firmly believe you see through the façade, through the mask, and see me. Kris doesn't, and that's why I love you."

Tashir rewarded me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen before adding his own two cents. "And even though he's royalty, he could never best me when it comes to looks. I'm just too damn handsome," he preened, causing me to laugh.

"This is true," I said nodding my head knowingly. "It's hard to pay attention to a prince when you've got Johnny Depp's twin banging down your door."

"Am I to understand this Johnny Depp is a very handsome individual?" Tashir asked with a smirk as he pulled me into his lap.

"He's only one of the most gorgeous men on the face of the earth, and a very famous actor from home," I responded fondly. "But like all of the attractive men back there, he's taken. I had to come to a different dimension to find my guy. It's really pretty pathetic," I said archly.

Tashir agreed. "It is. That makes you a rather poor excuse for a person. Hermit-like in fact," he teased with a malicious glint in his eyes.

"Yup, that's me," I confirmed as I looked at him. When our eyes met, we both bust into laughter that was only stopped with another passionate kiss.

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The weeks after my return to Valdemar were filled with rest, rest, and more rest. But as I'd demonstrated back in Shonar, much to Nia's chagrin, I couldn't just sit around and do nothing. I wasn't even allowed back into classes until I'd been back a month, just because nobody wanted me to get 'stressed out'. You wanna see stressed out? Leave me to sit on my ass for a month in a book world after I've taken out an army. Then I'll show you stressed out.

As usual, I heard plenty of rumors flying about me and what I'd done out on the battle field when I'd returned to Haven. Tashir would tell me a little of what he was hearing from the Bards, much of it so over exaggerated I wanted to puke. The rest of my friends and I were hearing snippets of quiet conversations claiming I was a demon because only demons could demonstrate that much power. Then there were the Bards coming up with nicknames like "Hell's Fury" and "Fire-Breather". As if "Dragon Mage" after my necklace wasn't bad enough.

Even when I was allowed back to classes (mostly how to _properly_ interact the locals and that kind of stuff, nothing really taxing), I still found myself with oodles of free time and rumors flying fast. As a result, I did the only thing I felt I could do at that point to relieve the stress: I wrote my side of the story right from the get-go.

There I was, having recently turned twenty-two and I was writing an autobiography of sorts. The main purpose of the 'journal' or 'book' was that even thought three years had passed since my arrival in Valdemar, people were _still_ making up stories about me and I was sick of it! Even when I was actively trying to quell the rumors myself by going to the nearest sources and explaining crap, they refused to listen. Some people there's just no reasoning with.

So I wrote.

I started out by writing as much as I could remember concerning American History (sadly not much) and geography (even less yet but I was trying), so whoever should stumble across the work in years to come would at the very least have a rough idea of where I came from. Then I started talking about nearly everything that had happened to me since I arrived, doing my best to explain how I saw and understood everything. Along the way I had to include more detail than I thought about American culture and how I thought all those things defined me, thus making me the person I was. Looking back, I could say it was half an American pop-culture ethnography and half autobiography, showing how American culture influenced one of Valdemar's Herald-Mages.

It didn't take me long to write either, which was a little surprising. Not because I didn't have much to say, but because as soon as I sat down to write, the words flowed from me like a river. And as I did, much of the pain, anger, and grief that still resided inside me was eased. When I finished about three weeks later, I realized writing about my life and America was the best therapy I could've hoped for. One more door to my past had been closed, and another to my future opened. I was slowly moving forward.

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"I have some good news, and I have some bad news," Tashir said out of the blue one night during the first week of December.

Snow was lightly falling outside and we were in his suite in Bardic just hanging out. I was curled up under a wool blanket with a cup of tea reading, and while I was making sure the fire in the fireplace was keeping the room warm (it's great how having the Firestarting Gift can help regulate room temperature), I was freezing. Yet like every other male I've met, Tashir was a little too warm but putting up with it.

I looked up quickly, hearing the undertone of nervous worry in Tashir's voice. I took a moment to quietly drool over him. He was sitting by the window working on a new composition with his favorite glittern, wearing only a white under-tunic and scarlet breeches. The soft light from the fire and candle next to him illuminated his features perfectly, and his not-quite shoulder length dark brown hair was tied back in a short tail. He looked like someone on the cover of a romance novel. _Damn, girl. How'd you manage to land this gorgeous stud?_

"What's up?" I asked.

"A couple days ago, Bard Johen pulled me aside and said he would endorse my application for Court Bard," Tashir said with a sly grin. With a squeal of delight I flew off the couch and into his now open lap. I threw my arms around his neck, giving him a big congratulatory kiss.

"Baby, that's fantastic!" I exclaimed when I broke away. Tashir was grinning like a mad-man, clearly happy I was so thrilled. "The current Court-Bard is endorsing you! It's like, having a commercial air during the Super Bowl! That means you're practically his hand picked successor, right?"

He nodded, still grinning from ear to ear. "I might as well be. When Johen pulled me aside and informed me, I felt as if someone had pulled a rung from under my feet; I couldn't believe it."

"Oh, I'm so proud of you!" I squealed again as I hugged him. "You've wanted this for so long, and now you're practically a shoe-in. 'Court Bard Tashir Lafaldon'. Gotta rather nice ring to it. So what's the bad news?" I asked, silently bracing myself. _What could be so bad?_

"Johen said he wishes to retire within the next two years, and since one of the requirements for the position is a year long writing and composing sabatical, I'll need to be leaving sometime shortly. Preferably just after New Years'," Tashir replied morosely. I felt his arms around my torso tighten a little, effectively pulling me closer at his lost words.

I scoffed. "Is that it? Please don't tell me you're asking my permission to go."

"No, I'm not asking permission. But I do need to know you will be alright if I'm not here," he said defiantly.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Okay, look Romeo. Let me fill ya in on three things. One, if you're gonna start complainin' 'bout bein' away from someone you care for, then ya better find another audience 'cause you're preachin' to the choir. Two, I know you find the idea of pining after a distant love an' whatnot romantic as hell, but like it or not I _can _live without yer ass. No, I'm not quite fully recovered but I will continue to get better if you're not around. And thirdly, I'll probably be leavin' for my internship this spring anyway an' I've been told I'm most likely gonna end up somewhere along the Pelagris. So for most of the time you're gonna be away, so will I _and _I'll be too busy with my own shit," I concluded.

"Gods, you're swearing at me and dropping off letters from your words. Do you have any idea how much I love hearing you speak that way?" he replied huskily. I rolled my eyes again but felt my cheeks blush. Tashir then sighed heavily and hung his head, letting my words sink in. "You are positive you'll be alright?" he asked intently.

I had to laugh. "If I can survive this whacked-out place and all the crap I've had thrown at me, I think I can handle you being gone. This is your chance to get the job you've always wanted so who am to say "no"? As long as you come back ready to be the youngest Court Bard in history, I won't mind at all," I said lowering my voice a notch. I punctuated my statement with light kisses, ending it with a long and deep one, while letting my hands run suggestively over Tashir's nicely muscled chest. That drove him just as crazy as my "Suburban Ghetto" speech.

He smiled wickedly. "A year and a half is a long time to be without your love."

"Then you shouldn't have decided to shack up with a Herald," I grinned back.

"You, my Dragon Heart, should not have been so magnanimous as to allow yourself to be Chosen."

"As if I had much choice. Maybe I should make sure you won't miss me too much while we're apart, hmm?"

"It may take more energy that you are currently able to spare."

I pondered that thought for a moment. "It's possible, but finding out's half the fun. Wanna help?"

The rest of the evening was spent finding out just how much I had to spare. We were both pleasantly surprised to find I had more than we thought.

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True to his word, Tashir left the week after New Years' with the promise of writing me nearly every week with samples of music and his 'adventures'. I told him as long as none of the Heralds had to bail his ass out of trouble and he didn't get hurt, he could have all the adventures he wanted.

And true to my word and belief, I did seem to gain my strength faster without being hovered over. But I missed him terribly, more so than I thought I would. But I was happy for Tashir as the trip would hopefully open the one door in his career he wanted so desperately.

I officially graduated from the Collegium that mid-March, and by the first week of April I was on my internship to the Pelegris just as predicted. I was paired with a regular Herald, Herald Byron, who had requested me personally. He usually rode our circuit, which was along the southwestern border of Valdemar, just north of The Comb, and asked specifically for me because I was the only Herald-Mage graduate and there had been reports of some new crazy-ass Change-Creatures in the area. Because of the location and dangers typically associated with it we would only be gone a year, which was fine by me.

I was right when I told Tashir I was going to be busy. I had Changelings to deal with and dispensing my new responsibilities as a Herald. And you know what? I was totally cool with all of it. The morning Byron and I set out I felt exhilarated at finally being able to put all the knowledge I'd learned to good use, and not as a weapon. From that moment on I felt my life had purpose. It was high time I exercised it.


	18. Attack of the Killer Beastie

_**Disclaimer: **_The only part about this story I own are the original characters and the plot. Valdemar, Heralds, Companions, and the magic mentioned in here are the brain child of a writer much more talented than me.

**A/N: **Hey everyone! I think I survived my midterm so here's an early update for everyone. This chapter may seem a little random in the whole of things, but I promise it's here for a reason. I think I've got everything making sense, but if someone sees a plot hole please let me know so I can fix it. And I'd like to say a major thank you to Dani. I'm really honored you've made me one of your few exceptions. I don't think I've got anything else to say, so here's the second to last chapter!_  
_

_Ch. 18: Attack of the Killer Beastie_

The forest seemed completely devoid of life even though the freak storm that had dropped almost a foot of snow and half an inch of ice had past three days ago. Once in a while I would hear a bird chirp or hear a rustling sound among the bushes, but otherwise the woods were virtually silent. There were animals out there, but they were certainly smarter than myself, Byron, and the four men from the village we had with us.

Why were all the cute woodland creatures smarter than the humans and two Companions? One, the cute woodland creatures hadn't been sitting in the snow for almost three hours, and two, they were either somewhere else looking for food or hiding from something that could rip their heads off in one bite. Not _waiting_ for it.

Let me back up a sec. It was the last week of February and my year internship was almost over (I had roughly a month left). Until the week before things had been rather uneventful. Not that I wanted things to suddenly go to hell, oh no. I was perfectly happy with nothing out of the ordinary occuring. But, of course, because my life in Valdemar could never be simple, and of the wonderfulness that is Murphy's Law, something was bound to happen.

Byron had told me before we'd left the Palace that our circuit had recently seen an upswing in the presence of Changelings, for whatever reason, and a few of the towns along the edge of the Pelagris had asked for further assistance form the Council. One town in particular, Woodview, was having a really rough time of it.

It was one of the larger towns in the area and many of their men had either been wounded or killed while hunting in the forest by what was described as a giant white _thing_, and thus the remaining able bodied men were scared shitless and refused to do anything about it until backup arrived. The townsfolk had done everything they could think of to try catching the thing but were having no luck. That's were I came in.

I was a powerful Herald-Mage who had shown nothing was safe from my wrath and still needed to go on my internship. So why not send me out to play with the big, bad beastie things?

When Byron and I reached the other towns calling for help, all I had to do was set up a few magic sensors that would allow the men hunting to know when a Changeling was in their vicinity. That would place them on guard that something was up and allow them to defend themselves. We stayed a day or two longer in a couple towns to make sure they worked, and when they did the townspeople proved to be apt to take care of themselves.

It was different in Woodview. On our second trip through during the end of February, we were greeted with the not so welcome sight of a town in uproar. Byron and I were herded off to the town temple where it seemed the entire town preceded to tell us what had transpired since summer.

The sensors and other precautions we'd set up for the town weren't helping. In fact they weren't even going off, leading to seven more deaths. And it wasn't that the men still brave enough to go out and hunt weren't doing so in other areas away from the initial attack sites, because they were. It was more like whatever was out there was following them, or there was more than one. The last death had occurred three days before Byron and I showed up, so we were able to hear every gory detail from the town Healer.

Two men had gone out hunting: Keni, who had been killed, and his friend Mikeal who escaped with three broken ribs, a massive head gash, and a dislocated shoulder. Mikeal told the Healer that they had been out checking the rabbit traps when a huge white creature, that looked like a cross between a bear and a rabbit, pounced on Keni and started tearing him apart. Mikeal tried his best to attack the beast, but the Changeling's fur and hide seemed to be impervious to the knife he used.

I found one element very strange about Mikeal's story as told by the Healer, since Mikeal was too heavily drugged with pain medicine to talk. It was that the Changeling ran off after it had ripped open Keni's chest. Only after it ran off was Mikeal able to drag himself back to town and get help.

Keni's widow had been sobbing uncontrollably while the Healer retold the story, but when he was done she screamed out the only words she'd apparently spoken since the attack.

"Oh Gods! It killed Keni!" she cried, dropping to her knees and clutched a handkerchief to her chest.

_You bastards,_ I couldn't help thinking to myself, but immediately felt horrible.

:Jennifer!_ How can you make jokes at this poor woman's grief?: _Shayna yelled at me.

_:I'm sorry! It just popped into my head! I didn't mean it as a joke.: _I said sheepishly.

"Herald Jennifer, what do you propose we do next? Since your sensors don't appear to be working for these folks, is there anything else you can do?" Byron asked

I crossed my arms and thought for a few moments. "I'm not sure it there's anything else I can do without going in and trying to find this thing. If I can get a look at it, maybe I'll be able to figure something out." Then another idea struck me. "Question, all the men who have been killed as of late were wearing the sensors, right? Including Keni?"

"Yes, Lady Herald. All of them were wearing them on their coats just like you said to," the Healer replied.

"Mikeal didn't have on though, correct?" I asked again.

"No, he said Keni was the brave one and wouldn't let Mikeal wear it," he said.

"And all of the men who've died since I gave you the sensors died from chest wounds?" I questioned again. The Healer nodded as understanding overcame him.

"Damn, I think I made a bad situation worse," I muttered grimly. "Folks, I am terribly sorry about this, but from what I've just heard I'm willing to bet this particular Changeling is attracted to magic and killed those men because of the sensors I made," I announced to the crowd still inside the temple, who all started murmering at once. I thought for a minute more before calling out, "Okay, if some of you could please bring forth the immediate family members of all the men who were killed before Herald Byron and I came this summer. I'd like to see their parents if they're living, wives, children, brothers and sisters." The people jostled themselves a little as others left to fetch the requested family members while others just stood around wondering what the hell I was thinking.

"What are you thinking? That there's some kind of family trait?" Byron asked curiously, knitting his eyebrows together.

"Maybe. I could be barking up the wrong tree but I can't be too sure," I replied

Roughly fifteen minutes later all the family members were assemble in front of me. They all looked rather scared so I did my best to placate their worries by explaining what I was going to do and why. Then one at a time, I tested every one of them for Gifts, _specifically _for the slightest hint of the Mage Gift. Just as I thought, all of the blood family members had various levels of potential mage ability.

"Well folks, I may have an answer. All these people have a potential for magical ability," I said loudly over the many audible voices of the townspeople. "What that means is it's _possible_ that the adults _could have_ developed the Mage Gift, one of the many Gifts trained at the Collegium in Haven, at some point in their lives. It also means the children_ might_ develop it in the future. All in all, that means that the men who were killed quite possibly had the potential to develop the Mage Gift as well, thus making them a target for the Changeling."

That didn't seem to go over so well because the whole temple burst into questions and accusations at once.

"People! I'm not finished!" I hollered over the din to get their attention. They quieted down. "Thank you. Now, this isn't anybody's fault but mine for not asking more questions sooner. What I think is going on is the Changeling can somehow sense those with Mage potential and is attracted to them. As for why it kills them, who knows, but we need to kill this thing before it does in anybody else," I said sternly. Hopefully they all followed that.

"An' how do ya suppose we do tha'?" asked one of the women who's brother had been killed.

"I can infuse an even larger object with more magic and place it in a clearing to act as bait," I said quickly and calmly. "Then when the Changeling shows up and is hopefully preoccupied with the object, I can try and kill it. I will, however, need some people to come along in case something goes wrong."

Unfortunately the next day the snow and ice storm hit and Byron and I spent a couple days helping the town dig out. Then it was time to put my idea into action and hope like hell luck was on my side. Byron didn't really like it, but agreed that he couldn't really see a better solution. So that's how I came to be crouched behind a giant bush on the edge of a clearing in the Pelagris Forest, waiting for Bugs Bunny's evil cousin to show.

The air temperature was just above freezing and was making the ice on the branches of the tree above me to melt and the water drip directly onto my head. It was a Chinese water torture made worse by my feet being numb from the cold and just being tired of waiting. After two of the men with us had built a snowman in the clearing, I placed an illusion on it to make it look like a deer and infused it with more magic. I was masking my Mage Gift as well, so hopefully my plan wouldn't backfire and set the beastie on me.

_:Do you see or sense anything yet?:_ Shayna asked me. She was off at a distance waiting in case she needed to come save my sorry butt.

_:Nope, not yet. Though I do have the suspicious feeling that this tree's peein' on me.: _I responded bitterly while glaring at the branches above me. At that moment a large chunk of snow decided to fall, landing on my head and making me even more irritated.

_:I hate the snow. I honestly think nature is conspiring against me right now.:_

_:No, if nature were conspiring against you then the earth would open up and swallow you whole.: _Shay joked.

_:Sweetheart, don't go giving Mother Nature ideas. I'm about ready to give up on this place. What does Byron think, or does he even have an opinion?:_ I asked. I knew part of my training was for the senior Herald to slowly defer authority to me so I could learn how to handle situations, and he'd been doing that for quite some time. But every now and then he would refuse to venture any advice and frankly, it was annoying.

:_He agrees, if you don't see anything within the next halfmark then we should try a different location.: _Shayna said after a few moments of silence while she conferred with Lizza, Byron's Companion.

_:Sweet, I can do that.: _I turned my attention back to the clearing and the "snowdeer", wondering if I should try a different illusion form, when I suddenly saw movement on the edge of my peripheral vision. I wrenched my neck a little as I turned my head sharply to the right, but saw not some big bad beastie, but a snowshoe rabbit. It had just hopped out from under another bush and slowly made its way to the "snowdeer", sniffed it, and then sat there and stared at it.

_:What is it, Chosen?: _Shay asked worriedly.

_:There's a rabbit staring at the "snowdeer".:_ I said warily as I watched the rabbit carefully. The dumb rabbit was just sitting in front of the pile of snow, staring at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

_:If it's just a rabbit then why do you sound nervous?:_

_:I've never told you about _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _and the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, have I?:_

_:No. Is it relevant?:_

_:Only in that I'd much rather go up against a Changeling than the Killer Rabbit.:_

_:Is this Killer Rabbit as large as the Changeling is supposed to be?:_

_:No, but that's what makes it so terrifying. It's just this normal sized bunny that can rip a man's head off.:_

_:You have a unique way of relating things here to American culture.: _Shayna said with a sigh.

_:Na, you can thank the British for _Monty Python. I said with a smile as I silently recited the migrating coconuts scene.

After a few more minutes of watching the rabbit I really began to loose my patience. I was just about ready to stand up and yell at the bunny to run just for something to do, when its ears pricked up and its head swiveled towards me, eyes wide with fear. It then scampered off back into the trees as fast as it could, kicking up little clouds of snow in its wake. I was about to turn around to see what could have scared the rabbit when I heard a low, menacing growl from not too far behind me.

I closed my eyes and winced. _:Oh shit. Shayna, I think I'm about to become dog food.:_ With that I turned around slowly to see exactly what I was about to fight off.

The damn thing was creepy as all get out. It was easily the size of a bear, with white fur, medium length rabbit ears, and a set of long fangs poking out of its mouth that looked like a set of Ginsu knives. The brief look I got of the claws showed they were as formidable as the teeth. The Changeling growled at me again, this time curling its upper lip back to further reveal its teeth which sent shivers down my spine.

I was able to throw up a physical shield in time to marginally protect myself as the beastie lunged and knocked me into the clearing. I landed on my back with such force the wind was knocked outta me; it landed on top of me, scratching like mad to get through my shield and rip me apart.

I gathered my strength and used my Fetching to help throw the creature off. It landed with an earth-shaking thud on top of the snowman, and the magic in it stopped the Changeling long enough for me to create a levinbolt and throw it. The bolt hit the Changeling, but it did nothing; almost as if the creature simply absorbed the bolt.

To my left a number of arrows came flying from the trees (Byron) and the yells of the men from the town filled the air, momentarily distracting the Changeling from me. The men charged the Killer "Rabbit" but it just swatted the men and arrows aside like they were flies. Each man landed with a loud _thwump_ in the snow and the Changeling lunged at me again. This time I was more prepared and lobbed a fireball at it, nailing it square in the face and stopping it in its tracks. The fireball made the bear-bunny scream in pain, but didn't deter it one bit.

Shayna came up from behind it and managed a solid kick to the thing's head. I heard the crunch of bones breaking in the Changeling's skull but it had no other overall effect. Lizza then came out of nowhere and tried to kick it into a tree yet missed, which allowed the Changeling to get a solid swipe at her side with its claws, leaving four deep red gashes. Lizza cried out in pain and Shayna rushed over and tried to kick it again. She also missed, but the beastie only batted her aside and came rushing for me again.

I had a couple more levinbolts, stronger this time, and threw them at it. Again they seemed to be absorbed. I tried to roll out of the way but misjudged my timing. I inadvertently gave it a clean shot at my back and felt four claws rip through the muscles in my left shoulder. I screamed as the pain coursed through my body and briefly clouded my mind, and then felt another set of claws rip through the muscles precariously close to my spine.

I then heard Shayna give a piercing battle scream as she once again kicked the Changeling off of me with a sickening crunch. I turned my head to my left and watched in mesmerized shock as Shayna, Lizza, Byron, and the four men were able to get the upper-hand and finally kill the damn thing. Shay looked over to see me watching and rushed over.

_:Jennifer! Can you hear me? Say something!:_ she cried in panic as she knelt down by my face and softly whuffed into my ear.

"Jennifer, don't move, whatever you do!" Byron said sharply as he crouched down beside me and looked at my back. If the pain I felt wasn't indication enough I was in bad shape, the look on his face told me all I needed to know.

"I'm gonna go ge' help, Herald Sir," one the men said and I heard him rush off through the trees back toward town.

"Jennifer, say something. Let us know you can hear us," Byron said with a hint of panic creeping into his voice. He pulled off his coat and placed it over my back to help keep me warm and to put pressure on my wounds.

"If only I'd had the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, I could've taken care of it with one shot," I croaked.

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I never thought I'd be so happy to see Haven again two months later, especially since I was seeing it from Shayna's back. I was only lucky that Woodview had been one of Byron and my last stops on our circuit before heading back to the capital and the town had such a fine Healer. After three weeks of rest and treatment we were sent packing with the instructions to keep me from doing anything more than eating, sleeping, and a little bit of walking. I didn't have any broken bones, thankfully, so I only had to wait for the muscles to heal enough for me to ride.

Under normal circumstances it would have taken a month to get back to Haven, but because my back would give out after about three hours, even after my saddle had been fitted with a backrest, we took about a month and a half. But finally there we were, on the large hill just south of the city which gave travelers the first glimpse of Haven. Shayna and Byron wanted to get me to bed as soon as possible so I could rest, so we rushed the rest of the way to the Palace and didn't let up the pace until we'd reached the House of Healing.

Shayna had spoken with Rolan and Talia had passed the word along to the Healers, specifically Nia, about what had happened a few weeks earlier, so they knew I'd be in bad shape when Byron and I finally showed up. Almost as soon as we made it to the front door of the Healer's building, Nia rushed out followed by a couple others. Shay knelt down so they could get me off her back and onto my stomach on a stretcher to carry me inside.

"I was hoping to welcome you home in a much more jovial manner," Nia said with a slight chuckle as I was carried inside. "But it seems you can't come back unless you've done something to hurt yourself."

"I don't go out of my way to, believe me. I'd much rather come back in one piece and not drained to the bone. Shit," I hissed through the pain after a particularly painful jolt of pain raced through my shoulder.

We entered a type of examination room where I was propped up at an angle on a bed, and the Nia shooed the others out so she could look at me in private. She helped me slowly strip off my tunic and shirt and I heard he gasp in surprise when she saw the bloodstained bandages that covered my back.

"Talia didn't say you had been bleeding this badly. I would have thought after two months it would have stopped," Nia said, not bothering to hide her concern.

"I know. We asked another Healer about that. They said it was because we've been traveling and the wounds were so deep to begin with, that they haven't been able to heal properly," I said with another hiss of pain as she slowly peeled them off.

"Oh Gods," she gasped as she examined me closer. "Some of these look like they went down to the bone."

I nodded. "That's what the Healer back in Woodview said, and that I was lucky the gashes over my spine weren't deep enough to rip it out."

There was a knock at the door then and someone entered. "Good Gods, Jennifer! What have you been doing to yourself!" Trine exclaimed when he got a good look at my back.

"Nothing deliberate, I assure you," I said through gritted teeth as Nia gently placed some kind of paste stuff on the gashes. It stung like crazy, almost like I was getting a tattoo. I then explained what exactly had happened, filling in the parts Shayna had left out when she gave Aryon the cliff-notes version to pass onto him, since Shay sent Trine specifically to help me back to my room.

Trine listened intently as I told the story, and when I was done he looked a little pale.

"You certainly don't do things the easy way, do you? At least you can think of these as the first of many battle wounds we Heralds wear with pride."

I grimaced. "It's not like I went out of my way to earn these. The damn thing outsmarted and ambushed me."

"Yes, well, it's not that hard to outsmart you," Trine said with an evil grin.

I gave him the Glare of Death. "You are so lucky I'm in no condition to kick your ass right now."

"Oh, Trine will you stop for a moment? Honestly," Nia said exasperatedly as she bandaged me back up. "Jennifer, I'm going to send you back to your room so you can rest but I want you to walk so your muscles don't weaken. And this idiot," she said as she smacked Trine upside the head, "_is_ going to help you, so I don't want to hear about you trying to do too much on your own," she told me pointedly.

"Yes, doc," I said, knowing better than to argue with her right then, especially after she got upset with me while we were holed up in Shonar.

"_And_, any ideas Tashir may have over the next few weeks he can just forget, alright? Not that I'd expect you to feel up to anything. I want you sleeping on your stomach and if you start to feel worse or even slightly feverish, I want someone to come find me right away, understand?" Nia continued with an almost drill sergeant-like tone.

"Aye aye, Cap'n," I said with a mock salute. I stood gingerly and Nia helped me put my tunic back on, and then turned me over to Trine. He took my right elbow and helped lead me out of the building with slow, even steps back towards the Palace. Towards home.


	19. In The End

_**Disclaimer: **_I only own the original characters and the plot for this story. My only two intentions were to write my own Valdemar tale and to procrastinate on my homework. If you think I've been up to more than that, you are sadly mistaken.

**A/N:** Hello, hello, again everyone. Well, here it is: the last chapter. Even though I have it split up into two separate entries you'll see when you finish reading that they really go together. So think of this update more as Ch. 19 - part A and part B.

So you remember how a few chapters back I said I fully expected to get hate mail when the story came to an end? Now you get to know why I said that. And I just want to make one thing perfectly clear: when the idea for this story (in whatever incarnation it took) first popped into my head about seven years ago, this was the ending I always saw. This was not something I came up with one day and just thought, "Oh, hey, I think I'm gonna be evil with the ending." No, _Reality Check _was always going to end this way. This is how I'm keeping with Mercedes Lackey fashion and dropping a mountain on my heroine. :D But don't fret, because my imagination is working overtime on the sequel. I don't know when I'll get around to writing it as I _really really_ need to start doing my homework, but there will be a sequel sometime in the future. I'm not done screwing with Jennifer just yet.

And quickly before I let you read the end, I'd like to thank everyone I know of that's read my story. I'm absolutely thrilled to death that all of you have liked my story enough to either add me to your favorite or alert list and to leave reviews. I cannot say how much I've loved hearing from you, and even if I wasn't able to respond to all of you, thank you so very, very much for all your kind words: **Anita H., Capitan Kurt Hoffman, Herald-Mage Saskia, Raggedygal, Wolf Music, Yami Hime Hikari, dragonlilly393, oneswordsworn, Blood-Covered-Ivory, Brianna Jacobs, ChildDevil04, Delphine Pryde, GinaStar, Herald Kahlan, Laeli, Lossien, Mad-4-Manga, Malaika Pyralis, SunlitShadows, hping, i can't believe i'm alive, mongo39y, sparkySCI, Dani, Traveller, lostsoul, ACL, and GinaLee.  
**

_Ch. 19: In The End..._

By the time I returned from my internship I'd been in Valdemar for 5 ½ years and really had come to consider the country as home. It was kinda funny realizing how much I'd changed over the years, going from a young adult who was freaking out over her surroundings to a Herald-Mage who was able to look almost any situation in the eye and keep her cool. I never in a million years would have thought my life would turn out that way. But then, does life ever go the way people plan?

I amazed everyone over the next month by playing the role of the good patient and allowing myself to heal without pushing my limits. I have a high tolerance for pain so it wasn't the pain from my wounds making me rest, it was Tashir. He got one look at my back and nearly had a heart attack. He never said anything, but I could tell by his reaction he was so sure I almost died again. He then preceded to scale back a good deal of his teaching schedule so he could take care of me. Now, I hate being waited on and treated as an invalid, but I didn't have the heart to tell him to back off. If there were any doubts still lingering about the palace as to how much he cared for me, they were shattered after that.

Once I healed, I stayed at the Palace to help teach a few of the Mage trainees. It was mostly a few upper level trainees who were having problems with their concert work but there were a couple new trainees who had problems coming to terms with having the Gift. So I tried my first hand at teaching, and with a little help from Talia, played Mage councilor and managed to convince the young ones that having the Mage Gift didn't make them freaks. Who better to tell them that than the biggest freak of them all?

Once that was done I did a little more work-related traveling. I was sent out to k'Valdemar at one point along with Elspeth for a 'Mage council' of sorts concerning the resurgence of Changelings in the Pelagris, and thankfully didn't have to participate in a new Changeling hunt. I was also sent for two weeks to White Gryphon with Lytha and Jervan as the Mage representative for Valdemar. It was for a treaty meeting with a small band of magic using nomads who wanted to settle in lands north of the seaside city. I wasn't playing the part of diplomat _per se_, but I was being toted as one of the main sources of magical knowledge in Valdemar and thus needed to be there.

All that took the rest of the summer, so when I finally had some time to breathe it was almost fall; about mid September. That thought struck Kris one afternoon while he and I were hanging out by my favorite spot at the stream, waiting for Nia, Lytha, Trine and Tashir to meet us out there for lunch. Well, we humans were going to eat. Lytha was coming out just to join the party and get away from responsibility for a while.

"I just realized, you've been here for almost six years now," he said quietly as we set out our picnic lunch.

I sat back on my heels for a moment and pondered that. _Has it really been six years? It feels like a lifetime._

_:Yes, Chosen, you've been here six years. It does seem like you've been here longer, doesn't it?: _ Shayna said gently.

"Wow. I've been so busy this summer I hadn't really thought about it, but you're right," I said in response to both my Companion and friend. "Huh, that's crazy."

"What's crazy? Making us come all the way out here for lunch? I have to agree," Trine said as he and the rest of our lunch mates made their way through the trees. He plopped himself down on the blanket Kris had spread out, grabbed a plate, and started loading it with food like his life depended on it. Nia rolled her eyes at him, taking a seat between him and Kris. Lytha gracefully curled herself up beside Nia as Tashir took his usual spot beside me.

"You'rrre acting like you have not eaten for daysss. Arrre yourrr ssstudentsss giving you that much trrrouble?" Lytha trilled with a laugh as she watched Trine dig in.

"I woke up late and had to skip breakfast. Gods I'm hungry!" Trine exclaimed in between mouthfuls. "Rambunctious students I can handle, an empty stomach I cannot."

We all laughed and helped ourselves to the food as the conversation turned to trivial gossip and other non-important topics. It was so nice to be able to hang out with friends for a few hours and forget about duty and responsibility, to just have a chance to act like people. It was a beautiful cloudless day, with the pine trees providing the right amount of shade and perfume to the air while the stream and chirping birds provided the music. Things, in my mind, were perfect.

"So what were you and Kris talking about earlier that you thought was crazy?" Nia asked when we were about halfway through the meal. I had just taken a bite of the sandwich I'd made and shot her a look that said 'You just had to ask now, didn't ya?'

Kris laughed at my expression and answered for me. "I had pointed out that she's been here for almost six years and she said that she hadn't really thought about it."

"I haven't had the time to!" I said after I swallowed. "The Queen or Circle's kept me jumpin' from one task to another all summer so I haven't had a chance to reflect on it."

"Has it been six years already? Havens, it feels like it's been longer," Nia said thoughtfully.

"Tell me about it. I've been through more in six years here than in my whole life growing up in the States. I feel kinda like I'm forty instead of almost twenty-five," I said archly.

That earned a chuckle from Tashir. "If you feel forty, it certainly doesn't show. You still look lovely to me," he replied as he planned a kiss on my head. I blushed slightly and noticed Kris look away suddenly, as if he was trying to look anywhere but at us. _I really need to talk to him and get him to stop chasing after false hope._

_:I agree. You two need to talk and you best do it soon.:_ Shayna told me suddenly as she came to join us. She lowered herself down behind me and I leaned back against my impromptu backrest.

"Welcome to our gathering, White Lady," Kris greeted Shay, which she returned with a nod of her head. The others gave her their own greetings before Kris asked me one hell of a weighty question. "Jenn, I'm curious. Looking back over the last six years, how much do you think you've changed? I mean, I know I've seen quite a drastic change but I'm curious as to how you've seen it."

"That's a good question!" Trine remarked enthusiastically. "How has the warped mind of the Amrikcan Herald changed over the years?"

"It's _American!"_ everyone corrected him in unison, causing me to burst out laughing. He brushed them off with a wave of his hand.

I didn't say anything for a while as I though about my answer. Exactly how different was I from when I came? There were the obvious answers, that I'd been Chosen by a talking horse and gained super powers, but what about beyond that? I knew those weren't the only ways I'd changed, but exactly were the other ways?

"Ya know, I think I can say that in general my life is exactly how I wanted it to be. The specific details are so far out in left field that they blindsided me, but overall, I have everything I wanted," I answered finally. The expressions of my friends ranged from shock and confusion (Kris, Lytha, and Tashir) to understanding and content (Nia and Trine).

Lytha was the first to respond. "How did you come to that conclusssion?"

I smiled and paused to think about how I wanted to phrase my explanation. "Like this. I didn't realize it back then, but when I started college I was really floundering. Most people start college with a major area of study in mind and a rough idea of what they want to do with their life. I didn't. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and while that's normal, I felt so out of place. All my life I've wanted to do something useful, something meaningful. But I always thought that because of the way my world functions, you needed butt-loads of money to make any sort of difference. But it took me coming here to find out differently.

"I never expected to have powers or a talking horse," and I laughed as Shay glared at me. "But I did always want to be surrounded by friends who love me, a job I love, and be standing on my own two feet. I'd like to think I've achieved that. There've been huge bumps and massive pot holes along the road, but in the end I think I can honestly say I'm happy and have everything I want."

"But what about your family? Your parents, brother, and friends from home?" Tashir asked concerned.

I shook my head. "I'm not saying it doesn't hurt anymore. That's one wound that's never gonna heal. I still miss them and various things from home like crazy, but you learn to move on and draw on that pain for strength. If I can use that pain to help me understand others when I have to, then I don't want it to go away."

_:That was beautifully stated, Chosen. I'm very proud of you for realizing that.:_

_:Thanks, Shay.:_

"I was hoping you'd say something like that, otherwise you would have proven to be dumber than you look," Trine said with a mischievous grin.

"Oh shut up, dumbass," I shot back playfully.

My friends all laughed again but stopped when we heard the timebell ring 2pm. We'd been in our own little world for over two hours and unfortunately we still had work to do. Nia, Shayna, Trine and Lytha left soon after. If only I'd known it would be the last time I'd see any of them, I would have said so much more than a simple "Bye".

"Are you coming to Court tonight?" Tashir asked me nervously before he left. As part of the long process of earning the position of Court Bard, another requirement was to play at Court for a month. The other three applicants had already done their stint and that night was the beginning of Tashir's.

"I said I'd be there, unless you changed your mind," I said.

"No, no, I haven't. I'm just really nervous about tonight. I want you to come," he said earnestly.

"Then I'll be there. I may fall asleep before the night's over but I'll be there for as long as I can stomach," I told him brightly. I'd only been to Court a small handful of times and absolutely hated the atmosphere. It felt too much to me like high school with all the popular people huddled in one place. Though for Tashir I was more than willing to put up with it.

He smiled gratefully and kissed me goodbye before running off to his afternoon classes. There was so much more I wanted to tell him. So many more kisses I wanted him to have, so much more love I wanted to give him.

I turned back to help Kris pack up the remains of our lunch when he stopped me by saying, "I don't have a chance with you, do I? There's no way I can change your mind or your heart?"

I sighed heavily, not expecting to have the topic brought up so suddenly. _This conversation is either really gonna suck or go better than I think._

"I'm sorry, but no. Kris, I care about you and love you, but as I've told you before I see you only as another brother."

"Was there something I could have done differently, or was it hopeless from the start?" he asked, allowing a small amount of hurt to creep into his voice.

"Kris, it's not you. You and Nia were the first people here I connected with, and you were the first person I felt safe around. I think it was that which put you in the protector role from the beginning for me, and I can't help but think you'd love nothing more than to lock me in a room so I can't be hurt by anything." I stepped toward him and took his hands, looking him right in the eye. "I don't need protection, or to be saved, or anything like that. Yes, I have a whole fuckin' mountain of issues, but I can deal with them and sometimes I feel like you don't think I can."

He hung his head sadly. "That's because I've known you from the beginning. I saw how close you were to self-destructing and I never want to see you like that again. I know you can handle things yourself, but I'm not sure if the way you choose to is healthy. You bottle things up and refuse to let us help you, but that's what the Heraldic Circle is for. It's so you don't have to go through things alone." Kris squeezed my hands back and gave me a wane smile.

"Bottling up emotions, unfortunately, is an American trait you're never gonna stamp outta me," I said with a laugh. "Not all American's are that way, granted, but independence and being able to stand on one's own two feet are things we prize. Even when they apply to emotions."

Kris shook his head again in disbelief and said, "Then I'm never going to understand your culture. You act so much like a Valdemaran at times that I forget you're not from here."

I nodded knowingly. "Valdemar got lucky with me, that I'd read the books about this place. A choice in the matter would have been nice," I said acidly, "but at least I knew what was goin' on and was able to adjust. I mean, you guys could've been landed with someone who really was crazy or, say, an ultra-conservative Christian who would have flipped over the concept of there being more than one God. But you got me instead. And as much as I complained at first, deep down buried somewhere, I did really think the whole situation was kinda cool."

Kris smiled at me with such pride and warmth that I could help but return it. "You've said so many things today that I never thought I'd hear you say. You really have changed and grown, so much. It makes me very proud to have you as a friend."

"And nothing more?" I questioned.

"And nothing more," he said soberly, and pulled me into a hug. "You go ahead and go back to get ready for dinner. I'll take care of this," as he motioned to the picnic stuff.

"You sure? We carried a lotta shit out," I asked.

"I can manage."

"Okay, I'll see you at dinner tonight then," I called over my shoulder and made my way back towards the palace, again not knowing I wouldn't see him that night.

I sent a Mindtouch to Shay to ask her opinion on my conversation with Kris only to find she was taking a nap. As I crossed Companion's Field I thought about going to find her and waking her up, but thought better of the idea. Shay was like me; wake us up before we're ready and suffer the consequences.

I was halfway across the Field before I stopped and looked up at the cloudless blue sky, taking a moment to wonder how things were back in the States. What was going on over there, at Home? Who was the new President? Which political party controlled the House and Senate? What was going on politically and socially in the world? Who'd won big at the Oscars that year and the Grammys? And then I thought, how different would my life be if I'd never ended up in Valdemar? What if the day of Sept. 22nd six years previous had been a normal day for me? Would I be at peace with my life?

_Probably not,_ I thought. _I'd most likely be working in a job I hate, with few friends and no boyfriend. My life may not necessarily be better here, but at least I'm happy. _I turned my steps back toward the palace and began thinking about how I wanted to kill time before dinner with the Court, when I blacked out with no warning.

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When I woke up, I had the worst reaction headache I'd ever experienced and hurt all over. In fact, I felt much like I had when I first came to Valdemar. But instead of being in a warm and comfortable bed, I was cold and the bed felt stiff. I could hear an annoying beeping to my right and felt strange things on my skin.

_What the hell? Since when did the Healers come up with things that beep? Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, what happened to me this time? _I opened my eyes a crack, and then they flew open as I registered the sight before me.

I wasn't at the Healers. At least not the Valdemaran kind. Directly in front of me was a large console holding a 17 inch television and a stereo. To my right was a heart monitor, which began to beep more insistently as my heart began to race in panic. In the back of my left hand was an I.V. drip and a finger pulse monitor was on my index finger. I was in a hospital. A real, western medicine, _hospital!_

"Wha…!" I exclaimed weakly. That got the attention of the other person in the room which I hadn't noticed before.

"Jennifer? You're awake!"

I turned my head and was further stunned by who I saw. She looked older, as if the stress of six years had aged her faster than time should have. Hair that was once a dirty blonde was now liberally streaked with grey and there were more wrinkles on her face, but there was no mistaking the older woman.

"Mom?"


	20. A Life Interrupted

_**Disclaimer: **_The songs "Everybody Knows" belongs to the Dixie Chicks and "Who Knew" belongs to Pink._  
_

_Ch. 20: …A Life Interrupted_

That was last fall, and it's summer now. June to be exact. I've been back in the States for nine months and I feel like I'm reliving the past six years in reverse. Back then I use to wake up every morning expecting to be either at home in my room or in my dorm at college, with everything turning out to be a bad dream. Now I wake up every morning and expect to see the opposite. I still expect to hear Shayna say 'Good Morning' or for Tashir to wake me with a kiss. But they're not there. And I can't tell people why I cry every morning because they won't understand.

I was told I'd been found by the side of the road not five miles from my parents' house. I was taken to the local hospital and that was where the doctors and police figured out who I was and contacted my parents. That kicked off a media frenzy about "the abducted college student who miraculously turns up nearly six years to the day of her disappearance". Reporters from newspapers and tv stations from all over the country wanted to talk to my family and friends about me, and so we didn't have a moment's peace for ages.

The media had sketchy details about me, but they all knew about the scars on my back from the preliminary details the police released. They all knew I spent the first few weeks home in self-isolation because I couldn't deal with the circus threatening to breakdown my fragile mental walls. They all knew I was scared and confused but refused to back off. They wanted the juicy story and they'd be damned if they were going to miss any detail. So they were there when I was reunited with the rest of my family, when I saw my childhood friends for the first time, when I decided to try and go to a movie. They were always there.

But I never gave them the one thing they wanted: my version of events from the time I went missing. When I was initially interviewed by the police I simply told them I didn't know what had happened to me, that I couldn't remember. It was easier to say that then to try explaining what I believed to be the truth.

The doctors had taken one look at the scars on my back and determined I'd been attacked by something. But because there were no similar scars anywhere else on me, they thought I'd been tortured. Yeah, like I was honestly gonna say the mutant cousin of the Killer Rabbit was to blame.

The psychiatrists I talked to all said I had suffered from some sort of severe mental trauma along with emotional and psychological abuse, which would explain why I'd mentally blocked out the last six years. The theory was I found them too painful to deal with so I suppressed them. That diagnosis was followed by weeks of therapy and hypnosis to try and recover the memories as to give the police something to go on in their investigation.

But I never let them hypnotize me. I let them _think_ they had, but I was smarter than that. I knew if I told them what I honestly believed happened to me I'd be given a one-way ticket to a psychiatric ward. I knew the psychiatrists would think I was crazy and a possible danger to myself, so they'd keep me so drugged I wouldn't be able to function. So I never told anyone; I kept it to myself and never breathed a word of what I thought I knew.

But my parents suspected I was hiding something, especially my mom. We'd always been really close and I think she expected me to at least open up to her if no one else. But then the fights started when I didn't, which caused a rift between my dad, brother and I. So I moved out of my parents' house and in with my best friend, Shannon.

Shannon tried not to get involved but Mom tried to coerce her into forcing the info out of me, which caused an even bigger fight one night. Mom even came right out and said she knew I was hiding something and demanded I tell them what I knew. I stuck to my story that I didn't remember and called my mother delusional. I said that she was looking for someone to blame and was trying to take it out on me. Mom hasn't talked to me since. Every now and then I'll talk to my father or brother, but not Mom.

Then four months after I turned up, Shannon and I decided it would be best if we got away from there. She'd been thinking about moving to Chicago for awhile and we both figured that was a good time to do it, so we did. We got away from the media circus and my family, and it felt so liberating to not have them lording over me anymore. We were on our own just like we'd talked about since we were kids.

We had a hard time finding a job for about a month and just lived off savings, but we both were hired at a night club on the south side that was kinda like the movie _Coyote Ugly._ The girls who worked there adopted a false personality and we'd serve drinks, dance on the bar, and sing to the songs the DJ spun. The punk-rocker chick persona I adopted was my therapy; it's how I vent my anger and pain now. I never would have dreamed of doing something like this years before, but it's funny how people change.

So I've been in Chicago for five months and I don't feel any closer to 'normal', to being whole. There's no one I can tell about what I remember because I'm afraid they'll lock me up for being crazy. I mean, think about it. I have _vivid_ memories of being in a kingdom and meeting people that only exist in a fantasy book. I would swear on my life the memories I have are real but I know there's no way that's possible.

And I can't prove it either. The white chunks in my now short and spiky hair can be explained away as premature graying, and the doctors already have an explanation for my back. And I don't dare try and use my Gifts as proof, because what if I'm just imagining them? I still have them, as in I can still use them, but I don't dare. As much as I would love for it to have been real, the memories I have are most likely the result of my mind trying to cover up the fact I was kidnapped and tortured for somebody's twisted pleasure.

So now I'm sitting here on the shore of Lake Michigan, writing down everything as my only way to cope. This is the only way I can relive the memories and not have them haunting me, as if writing them down will purge them from my mind. But at the same time, I'm not sure I want them gone because I _was happy. _I loved my job and was loved by so many in return, and I may never have that specific feeling again.

But it's not like I haven't learned anything. I now truly know you don't have to be a millionaire to help people and that even little acts of kindness can go a long way. When Shannon and I were looking for work I started volunteering at a couple of homeless shelters in the city as a way to not only help others, but myself too. It was sort of a way to prove my "training" as a Herald, to help those who need it, wasn't for not. And it helps to fill the gaping void where Shayna used to be. But it's not enough.

I miss them. I miss them all so much. It hurts like hell that some days, like today, I just can't be around other people. I want nothing more than for someone to come up to me and tell me it wasn't just a dream or a bunch of false memories. I desperately want to hear Shayna's voice in my head again, to trade barbs back and forth with Trine, to have Nia yell at me to take it easy and fawn over how lucky I am to have Tashir, to fight with Kris over something stupid. But most of all I just want to feel Tashir pull me into his arms and assure me everything is going to be alright. I want it all back _so much._

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I closed my notebook with a sense of finality and looked out over the cool blue waves in the lake. Normally water helps calm me, but not today. Today I'm unreachable; just lost in my own crazed mind. I know someday I'll be okay again. I mean hell, if what I remember is true I ended up being okay in the end, but it took me about five years. So I know someday I'll be okay, just not right away.

I jumped as my phone rang from its place in the sand next to me. The caller ID said it was my friend from work, Melissa.

"Hey, what's up?"

_"Hey Jennifer. I have a mondo huge favor to ask you. As you know I went out of town for a college visit, but on my way out of town my car stalled out and the mechanic says it's the alternator or something and he can't get the part in until tomorrow, so I was wondering if you could work for me tonight. I know it's your day off, but I already tried Carly and Sean and they can't, and I know Shannon's already working, so could you do me this huge favor? Next time you need a day off or want to play hookie just let me know and I'll cover for you. Please, I really need you to do this for me?" _she begged.

"Didn't you just buy that thing last month?" I questioned.

_"Yeah and the guy I had check it out said everything was fine, so I'm totally going to make him explain himself. Jennifer, _please,_ can you work for me tonight?"_

I thought for a sec before relenting. "Okay, sure. When do I need to be there?"

_"Nine. Oh Jennifer, thank you sooo much! You have no idea! Kisses!"_ and she hung up.

I flipped my phone shut and wondered why I agreed to work for her. _You know she's just playing hookie so she can spend more time with her boyfriend. I'm too nice sometimes. I need to be bitchier and say no._

I looked at the clock and saw I had to be at the bar in a couple hours so I needed to head home. I gathered the rest of my things and started towards my car. As I sat down and turned the key in the ignition, I couldn't help but think that a year ago I'd been riding a horse-thing as my primary mode of transportation and never thought I'd be driving a car again. _No, don't think like that. It wasn't real and the sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. Those memories aren't real. Just your mind playing tricks._

I shook my head to clear it, turned on my car and plugged my iPod into the adaptor. I was about to pull out of the beach parking lot when the next song on my playlist stopped me. It was _Everybody Knows_ by the Dixie Chicks.

_Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind  
Would you know me and see behind the smile?  
I can change like colors on the wall  
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all  
I think I hide it oh so well_

_Steppin' out, everyone can see my face  
All the things I can't erase from my life  
Everybody knows  
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name  
That's the way we play this game of life  
Everybody knows_

_Looking through the crowd I search for something else  
But every time I turn around I run into myself  
Here I stand consumed with my surroundings  
Just another day of everybody looking  
I swore they'd never see me cry, you'll never see me cry_

_Steppin' out, everyone can see my face  
All the things I can't erase from my life  
Everybody knows  
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name  
That's the way we play this game of life  
Everybody knows_

_They say I'll pay the price  
That's a chance that I'll take  
Though you may think I'm tellin' lies  
But I just call it getting by _

_Steppin' out, everyone can see my face  
All the things I can't erase from my life  
Everybody knows  
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name  
That's the way we play this game of life  
Everybody knows _

When the song ended I found myself sweating and tears silently falling down my cheeks. I'd listened to the song before and liked it, yet I'd never _really_ listened to it before, but then I'd only downloaded the CD a couple weeks earlier. I didn't realize how closely that song related to me until that moment. It was rather unnerving.

I wiped the tears away hastily and pressed the 'next' button a couple times, hoping for something like Nickleback or Red Hot Chili Peppers would come on. Instead it was a song by Pink, but not one I wanted to hear at that moment.

_You took my hand, you showed me how  
You promised me you'd be around  
I took your words and I believed  
In everything you said to me_

_If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out, cause they're all wrong  
I know better cause you said forever and ever  
Who knew?_

_Remember when we were such fools  
And so convinced and just too cool  
I wish I could touch you again, I wish I could still call you friend  
I'd give anything_

_When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone  
I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong  
They knew better still you said forever and ever  
Who knew?_

_I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again  
And I won't forget you my friend  
What happened?_

_If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong and  
That last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again  
And time makes it harder  
I wish I could remember  
But I keep your memory  
You visit me in my sleep  
My darling, who knew?  
_

I sat there and sobbed for what seemed like hours, but when I looked at my phone I saw only thirty minutes had passed. It hurt. I felt like those two songs had ripped my heart out of my chest and set it on fire, since together they spoke exactly what I was feeling. I missed the life and love I'd had and that felt so real. I sat there and let more tears fall freely, and for a moment almost thought I heard someone whisper, "Everything will be alright."

"But it won't. How can it be okay when I miss them so much?" I whispered to myself. By force of habit I reached up to touch my dragon necklace, but my fingertips met only skin. Then I remembered that it hadn't been among the things the police gave back to me. The object that helped me gather strength to make it though the days was gone, and with it was my identity as a Mage, in an off-hand sort of way. That just made the pain worse. "How can it be okay when I don't know if it really happened? How can it be okay when I'll never know if I was really happy? How can it be okay when I feel so alone? When I can't Feel Shay anymore?" I sobbed. And sobbed.

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_Do you ever get those days when you wake up and you just know it's gonna be a bad day? Or no matter what you do, you always end up feeling like the butt end of a cruel joke? Or have you had one of those completely life changing events that comes outta nowhere and your life is suddenly the topic of a Lifetime movie? I have, and I'm not sure if it was the worst or best thing to happen to me. In roughly six years I lost everything and everyone I'd ever known, only to gain things I only thought possible in my wildest dreams. But I think the worst part is I'm not sure it really happened. I have evidence it did, but logic dictates the opposite. But if it did, I know I'd give anything to gain it back._

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And now, let the hate mail start coming!! 

Sugoichicken

**3/18/07 Edit:** The sequel is now up and running. Look for _Reality Check: Taking the Long Way_. You know you want to. :D


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